Another Day In Our Journey….

And it was a good day overall…  lots of laughs, lots of playing… lots of love… lots of fun….

But, as usual, there were tears.  Not the gut wrenching, outright uncontrollable sobbing that some of you have witnessed…  more the quiet, ‘crap I’m crying again’ tears.

There was walking with my sister….  talking with my sister…  showing her snapshots of the pain that I have lived through in the past while.  She knew of the pain…  but this is the first real ‘face to face’ conversation about the pain… and I think that face to face always has more impact than text or a phone call.

We did have some laughs…  some tears…  she reassured me that, no matter what ‘the dark side’ says or what his version is… she will always be with me, behind me, pulling for me and wee to make a great life… have a great future…  and she wants to be a large part of that…..

We also managed to score one small victory for ‘the good guys’… and thanks to friends (again…  THANK YOU)…  this is possible…  I’m getting the pets back!!!  Rob and Nikki are going to help with the cats until I move (THANKS GUYS!!!!!!), Stewie will stay with me, and Melissa (THANK YOU SO MUCH) will keep the old man…..

And, in just over a month… we’ll be all together… under one roof…  The family….  all together again!

And, hopefully, maybe, perhaps, I might actually get lucky and get some material possessions from ‘the dark side’…  from that house…  hopefully….

I can pray for miracles right????

While I sit here…  finishing a glass of wine…  talking ‘material possessions’ with my sister… watching her put things aside for me… writing my blog..  I can’t help but think about all of my rock solid safe spots during this storm… all of the friends who have been there….  ensured that I was safe… that I felt safe…  that I was well.  All of the people who have checked in and kept tabs when I was obviously less than ‘well’…  All of the people who have been there to witness the meltdowns…  Everyone who has helped to wipe the tears… or has shared in the tears….

All of you who have been there to share the laughs…  see the smiles…  because, we must admit, there have been laughs and smiles…  even through all of this.

And for those who have been there to listen…  been there to lend an ear, a shoulder…  been a stable and safe harbour for all of my thoughts and feelings….

There are not enough thank yous in the world for every one of you…  I hope, that in some way, watching me and wee start to live again, start to rebuild our lives…  start to grow… with be a measure of ‘thanks’…  And I am hoping that each and every one of you know that, you’ve been on one ugly road with me…  in the future..  anything, any time…  call me.  I’m there for you.

My sister said something very poignant today.  She told me that I truly do have a second chance….  a second chance at life. I was brave enough to take the steps to ask for that second chance; I have braved everything that has been handed my way so far, now the clock is ticking down to when wee and I have our own place; a truly NEW FRESH start.  She told me that she hoped I realize how lucky I am to have what most people are not strong enough to go after, and to take full advantage of it…  make sure I rise from this with my head held high…  and with all of the class and grace that I possess.

She said that she can understand that I am hurt and angry right now, in this moment, but to be sure to not let that anger and hurt write the next chapters of my life for me.  She told me to make sure that the anger and hurt do not become who I am, but that they stay where they belong…  in the last chapters in the book labelled ‘previous life’.

I will heed that advice… and take every word of it to heart…  Anger and hurt will not be welcome in my new home…  in my new life…  in my fresh start… the fresh start that I am going to build for me and my wee….

It will be nothing but joy, success, and sunshine…

Why Is Everything Important In My Life Always ‘Delayed’????

The SCHEDULED induction of my wee’s birth; delayed.
Surgeries; delayed.
Meetings; delayed.
Court dates; delayed……

How frustrating is it to be all packed to run out the door and go to court to get everything dealt with, only to receive a call from your lawyer, just as you are struggling with your wee to get her shoes on, that says, “woops, delay”…  GRRRRR…

And I was a bag of nerves over today all last night and all today; until that call…  Now I don’t know whether to be relieved that things have been put off, or maddened that the process is being dragged out and I have no idea what, if anything, I am going to end up getting from that house…

Now the court date is set for just days before the move.  Do I assume I am going to have nothing and start begging my friends even more for EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING that they can set aside for me… or do I assume that I will get my ‘fair share’…  Do I prepare for the worst and hope for the best??? What do I do????

I think, in this case, preparing for the worst is my BEST option…  I have a wee and I have to make sure that she has what she needs to be comfortable….  and that I have what I need to take care of her, including but not limited to a full set of kitchen supplies so that I can cook for her….

Speaking of wee…  Please go to sleep!!!  Please???  Turkey….

Oh… the process…..

Oh the agony….

Oh the heartache….

My sister has lovingly offered to attempt to find out from ‘the dark side’ what items I may be expecting to get from the home…  That ‘touching base’ was going well; full of lies from his side, as expected; until he insinuated that I had said ‘bad things’ about her as well…..  How many times is he going to tell people that I love and hold dear that I have said horrible things about them….????  Why would he even go there???  Anyone who is walking my road with me right now… I have never said a bad word about….  And if I had, I would have said it to their face, because that’s the kind of person I am.   I don’t trash talk…  I don’t talk behind people’s backs…  that solves nothing…  I’m an adult; if I have an issue with you, I damn well bring it up with you.

So how DARE HE insinuate that I have said anything bad about anyone that I love and hold so dear right now that I can’t imagine a day passing without at least touching base with them.

And how DARE HE keep lying the way he is….????  Did you know I’ve been having ‘affairs’ since June?  That I’ve been ‘sharing pictures of my daughter’ with many different men….?  And setting up dates while he was at work???  Did you know that all of this has been going on while I was a full time mom, a full time house wife, a part time student?????  GEEZUZ…  really?????

Why is it that he has such a hard time accepting the fact that I have FRIENDS…  that I share pictures with FRIENDS…  and that those friends he had seen pictures of before, heard from (and of) before… and, many times, had broke bread with before… but now I’m messing around…  with my FRIENDS????!!!  REALLY?????

UG…  I feel a Linda Blair moment coming on!!

He also likes to claim that he was always helpful, supportive, just a picture perfect husband….  Who never did anything wrong… who was always open to discussion…  who loved everyone with all of his heart and soul and, who through all of this, has had nothing but the baby’s best interest in mind….

Yeah… and I fart rainbows and poop gold nuggets.

I do hope that all of my friends and family know that the crap he is spewing is just that; crap.  I hope everyone knows that if I had an issue with them at any point, I would man up and say it to your face…  I also hope that my friends and family know me well enough to know that I am a person of integrity… someone who takes vows and promises seriously… and I never once stepped outside of that marriage; as shitty as it was for me.

And She Is Once Again Where She Belongs…

Curled up under our mushroom FAST asleep….

And happy….

Tomorrow… tomorrow is a big day in the ‘Family Law’ portion of this entire mess that started on one dark and stormy night.  Tomorrow is the day that my lawyer is hoping to have 99% of the issues finalized.  We know there is one issue that won’t be… but, as for the rest of it; the division of property and financials; we’re hoping that will all be done tomorrow….

I’m hoping that things land somewhat in my favour, and that I don’t have to ‘resort’ to walking away from EVERYTHING that I’ve ever owned to keep from drowning in a pile of debt.  I’m hoping…  but, I have a feeling….

So then, I will have to pray that all of my friends come through for me in a BIG way….  and that I’m able to at least get enough stuff given and donated to my cause to allow wee and me to be comfortable until I can start purchasing everything again…..

I’m so terribly nervous about tomorrow….  Tomorrow will be the first time (if he shows up) that I will actually see him since the 24th.  Tomorrow will be the first time that I will be breathing the same air space as him since the 24th.  Tomorrow will be the first face-to-face since he put me in jail.

I’m not looking forward to tomorrow at all…  Not one bit.

I’m hoping that I can get away with saying nothing at all; that Nancy can do all of my talking for me.

I’m hoping I can get at least my kitchen stuff from the house…. a good kitchen is hard to pull together (and expensive!!)…  and I’ve got (had) a great kitchen!!!

Oh, and the grooming stuff for Stewie… I’m sure that poor boy is DESPERATE for a haircut!!!

And the baby stuff….

And I’m hoping I can get those things without being buried under a mountain of debt….

Otherwise, I’ll have to walk away… and hope that I don’t get buried under a mountain of debt…..

I can’t afford a mountain….

Man, am I nervous…..

And I Was Out For A Peaceful Dinner…..

And what a great dinner it was….  great company….  great food (highly recommend The Bungalow FYI)…  good wine….  and then…  Douchezilla showed up…  and destroyed everyone and everything in his path.

And let me tell you what an epic meltdown that was for me…  I think I scared the life out of everyone within a 6 table radius….  I’ve never seen a server clear a table so fast…  and the sideways glances as we were leaving the restaurant…  pretty priceless….  
The glances though were likely due to the fact that I am a very ugly crier (as previously mentioned).  And man was it UGLY!!!  All sobbing and snot and running makeup…..  geezuz…..
And then the screaming as we got to the safety of the ‘outside’ of the restaurant…  I’m sure they were still heard inside though…..
I just don’t understand… where are people’s priorities???  My priorities say that if the wee is with me… she is WITH me…  especially if she is sick….  She is stuck to me like glue…  And I have her 95 percent of the time.  I plan my life to INCLUDE her… all of the time.
Douchezilla on the other hand would rather spit poker chips and toss cards around then be with his sick baby…  who may need to be loved and snuggled…  on his FIRST NIGHT of the actual visitation schedule….  
Really folks??  Is that how parenting works????
And worse, his parents are supporting this behaviour by being the sitters….!!!  REALLY????  GEEZUZ…..  I would love to replay for them some of the things that they have said about how other people choose to parent…  just to remind them of those things….  so that, perhaps, they can see that really, they are no better (if you ask me, they’re worse) than the people they were talking badly about…  
Really…  poker… that’s his choice on his first night with his daughter…  poker….  
Great priorities Douchezilla….  
And you wonder why I wanted a divorce.

Notes From The Mushroom Before Bed…..

Well, the weekend is almost here….  in 10 hours and 48 minutes I will be dropping my wee off for a weekend with….  her father.

I’ll miss her with every ounce of my being…  every ounce….

But, I’m hoping to get some school work done….  hoping to get some fun in…  hoping to not spend my entire weekend missing her and crying because she’s not around…  hoping that there will be points in the weekend where I can stop looking at the clock and counting the hours until Sunday at 6pm; when she is back with me.

I know this weekend will be a little extra full of worry… she’s not feeling well…  ear infection.  I hope that he is good to her and tolerant of the fact that she will be a little extra needy; especially since mommy won’t be there.

But, I do have to concentrate…  school… it has to move back up on the priority list….!!!  It HAS to!

I do have a few things to look forward to this weekend; a couple of things going on that will definitely distract me from the clock watching and hour counting…  Lunch with a very old and very dear friend…  it’s long overdue!!!  And another great friend coming into town for part of the weekend…  Can’t wait to see you!!!!!!!!!  Both of you!!!!!!!!!!!

But, for now, I should crawl under my mushroom…  curl up with my wee (after taking some Buckley’s….  bothersome cough!!!  Why won’t it go away??!!!)…  mentally pack her bags for her weekend…  and think of all of the dear people we have in our lives…  all of the people who love us to no end….

I love all of you….

Good night.  Sleep tight….

And They’re Back….

All of them…  every demon I’ve been trying so hard to ignore since August 24th; when this entire mess started….  They’re all back… and sitting in the room with me right now…  where it is dark… and I feel so alone… and so tired… and so weak….

There are people on my phone…  talking to me…  and I hear them…  but all they keep saying is “one more day”…  “one more moment”…  “keep your chin up”…  “it will get better”….  All I want to do is tell their well- meaning selves to take a long trip into Shuttytown.

They don’t know…  they don’t know the burden I have carried… the pain I have lived with…  the fear…  and the continued heartache….

Sure, they can say they know… they can ‘pretend’ to know…  but honestly… until you’ve walked a mile… you don’t know…

Sure, they’ve wiped my tears… held me tight…  watched me sob…  listened to me scream and cry and rant…. but that doesn’t make you feel the pain…  That just allows you to bear witness to the external effects of it.

I’m tired of the system… of the legal system… the governmental system…  the system that insists that you jump through one more hoop… run one more mile…  beg one more time…  Only to then laugh and say… “oh in a year you’ll get the results you want and deserve”…

One more year…  Sure, it sounds like no big deal…  until you put it on top of everything I’ve already faced….

One more year…  One more year of answering to the criminal courts…  One more year of dancing for them… For what?  Why?  So that I can keep my spotless record….?  So that I don’t have a friggen stupid; should never have been laid in the first place; should have been dropped with no consequences charge NOT appear on my record…  ????  One more year….  Dance, jump….  dance again….  Great.

One more week come and (almost) gone….  full of some small triumphs… but they truly do seem to pale in comparison to the disappointments….  and the challenges….  and the pain….

God, the pain.

I’m not a begger by nature… I hate begging for things… especially things that I need… that I have a RIGHT to have…   every day I find myself begging…  Please help me with this or help me with that or yes of course I’ll do what you say sir because it’s the cheap way to go or sure yes I’ll take more please or yes please kick me in the head again or please help me with the cost of daycare for my girl so that I can finish school or please write me a note so that the government might help me with the cost of daycare so that I can finish school or….

EFF the list goes on and on….

How much can one person really take before they can’t take any more?

How much?

What Is It That Forrest Gump’s Momma Always Said….?

Wasn’t it “Stupid is as Stupid does.”…

That sounds right… and oh so accurate after today’s ‘trip through Stupidville’.

But enough on that…. for those of you involved in today’s trip; you know what I’m speaking of.  For those of you not involved; I’ll tell you all about it on a ‘need to know’ basis….  I’m not trying to be ‘cryptic’ here but, just trying to stay true to my blog which is not a slander column; more a peek into my thoughts and feelings…..

So, on to my thoughts and feelings….

On some levels I feel that today, the good guys (me and wee) may have scored one for the team.  Some people may not agree… but, that’s ok… I think we did and I think that’s what counts….  I feel comfortable and confident in the choice I made; not only for me but also for wee….  I think it benefits both of us.

Other than that….  there is still a lot of stress for me.  Another court date coming up… School is falling behind because, every time I turn around, I either have to meet with a lawyer, go to court, meet with my counselor, or I just plain can’t think beyond the end of my nose….  so school has (unfortunately) fallen way off the back burner, which is now stressing me…  Then there is daycare and that cost….  What if I can’t get subsidy?….  then that all rolls back to “OMG school.  When will I get that done if I can’t afford daycare”…..  It’s become a giant vortex of badness in my head….

My hamster needs a break…  he’s tired from all of the running he does on his squeaky wheel…..

Then there is the stress of ‘stuff’ and ‘stuff replacement’….  MY GOD….  are me and wee going to live on piled up pillows and stacks of books???  Oh wait… we have no books…  And we have no pillows….  Ummm… oh!  We have a tote!!!!!!!!!!  YIPPEE!!!  *insert eye roll please*.

Oh, the stress… the strain…

But, right now… I hear my wee breathing…  sleeping peacefully…  quietly….  and I know, somehow, it’ll all work out… it’ll all be ok….  we’ll pull through THIS too….  Just like we do everything else…  with our friends around us….  loving us… supporting us… and propping us up when needed…..

I can’t thank each and every one of my friends enough…  I can’t…  each and every one of you is so dear and so special to me…  Each one of you has selflessly given of yourself, your heart, your time, and your tears…..  And I can’t thank each and every one of you enough….

One day…  soon…  when this is all done… we’re gonna have one hell of a party….  we’re all going to laugh…

One day….