And The Fear….

I want to hope… but I’m tired of hoping.   Tired of holding hope only to have it explode in my hands.

I want to pray…  but I don’t believe there is anyone to pray to…  (Sorry to those whom I offend with that but, my blog, my thoughts, my feelings….)…  no one worth praying to anyway.

I want to feel that everything is going to work out…  I want to feel it with everything I have…  but I can’t.

All I can feel right now is fear.

What if it all goes horribly wrong tomorrow?  What if nothing goes my way????  What if he gets everything HE wants and I’m left holding an empty bag that used to hold my hopes?

Why did he make this so ugly?  It could have been so easy… so civil…  we both could have ‘won’ and walked away ‘ahead’…  but now, here we are…  me with nothing…  him with everything… and both of us with the legal bills piling up….

All I wanted was out…  all I wanted was a good life for me and wee…  all I wanted was to be able to get through it and still have some kind of ‘friendship’…  one where we could celebrate her important stuff together…

Instead I’m left with more hurt, pain, and distrust than any one person should ever have to have…

And, yes, I hate to tell you my friends…  HATE too…  pure hate.

Yes, the hate will fade…  the hurt, the pain…  it will all fade…  great people will help me find my way to trust again…  it will all fade…  with the passage of time…  But, I will never be able to sit down with that man on any level that even appears to be civil for any event….  And that fact leaves me sad….

I never wanted to know in my heart of hearts that the person that I cared enough about to have a child with would become someone that I despised so fully that hell would freeze over before I could even conceive of willingly being in the same location as them.

I never wanted to know, deep in my heart, and with every ounce of my being, that the person that I had created a child with was someone that I wouldn’t and couldn’t trust with a dish of dog food and a postage stamp…

Tomorrow…  what will tomorrow bring for me and wee…  Another load of crap?  Or will it finally be some form of justice for us?  Will the winds of change blow for us???  Will things finally start to go our way???

Or will the riches go to the best liar still???

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Trips Down Memory Lane

Ah…  Memory Lane….  a funny place to visit…  full of hindsight…  full of regret…  full of laughter, tears, fun, fears….

Full of moments….

I just took a quick trip down my Memory Lane via my Facebook Wall…  I wanted to look up and listen to some songs that had been posted on my Wall by Greg during this very difficult time in my life…  Listen to them and smile…  reflect on how some music really does seem to speak of life…  and all of life’s emotions.

What I didn’t realize is how much I’d have to scroll to find the material I was looking for…   I didn’t realize that our journey had actually covered enough of my Facebook Wall to require clicking on ‘older posts’ to see the beginning of this particular stretch of Memory Lane…

But, I guess, in retrospect, that much time has passed since that dark and stormy night so many months ago when our world was turned upside down…

It’s hard to believe that so much time has passed…  but, at the same time, it’s hard to believe that so little time has passed…  Some moments have felt like a lifetime…. and other moments…  well, they have flowed like water over rocks…  Unstoppable…

Time…  time truly is a funny thing…  a beast with it’s own nature and it’s own rules…  Not to be governed by the whims or wishes of man….  not to be harnessed… not to be captured…  and not to be rushed….

Sometimes it is your best friend…  other times it is your worst enemy…  and then there are the few and rare moments that we actually get; that we can actually take; where we can just sit back and watch it pass…  Those my friends are moments I have come to cherish…  no matter where I am or who I am with…  Those rare moments where I can truly just stop for a moment…  silence my mind… and watch time work for a moment…

I think that is one of the greatest lessons I have learned through all of this…  Take the time to appreciate the time…

Another great lesson I have learned….  Take the time to appreciate the people…

And another lesson…  Don’t take the People, or the Time for granted…  When you take time for granted, it turns on you… and when time turns on you… you need the people to hold you up…  and if you have taken the people for granted…  they will not be there…

It’s been a while since I’ve let you all know how much you mean to me…  How much I love each and every one of you for your love, support, guidance…  Your humour…  your generosity…  your unwavering belief in me and my wee…

I wouldn’t be half the person I am without each and every one of you who is on my road with me…

Thank you for making me who I am…

And thank you for loving my wee so completely….

We’re nothing without each and every one of you.

“One doesn’t know, till one is a bit at odds with the world, how much one’s friends who believe in one rather generously, mean to one.” – D. H. Lawrence


Life, Lies, And The Legal System….

Ahh another day… another day of banging my head off the same wall and wondering when the hell the tables are going to turn MY way…  When the legal system is going to work for ME…  When the legal system is going to do what is RIGHT for me and my wee….

Oh wait…  I forgot…  I don’t lie…  I CAN’T lie…  so it won’t.

I relearned a lesson today… one that I had learned last weekend when the lies were rolling…  That the legal system DOES NOT WORK….  DOES NOT….  And it does not make sense…  DOES NOT…  Don’t even bother trying to make sense of the legal system..  it’s like trying to understand why a liar lies.

So, now here I am… with one hell of a headache after banging my head off this wall…  wondering…  what am I going to do?  How far am I going to take this???  How much am I willing to slog through the legal system to HOPEFULLY get what is right for me and wee?

If some people have their way, I won’t be able to fight too much longer…  You can’t run up legal bills that you can’t pay… and I won’t be able to pay them if some people get what they want….  And they could get what they want.

I just don’t understand… how is anyone supposed to have faith in a system that always lets people down, always turns a blind eye to the lies, always seems to support the liars and give them what they want and leaves the innocents who can’t lie sitting in the gutter wondering what express train from hell just ran them over?

And here I sit… listening to my wee…. hearing her talk in her sleep after her weekend away from me…  Hearing her stir…  wondering when the screaming is going to start tonight.  Will it be 1 or 2 o’clock??  Or will I get a reprieve until 3 or 4 am???  I know it’s coming… I know the dreams that haunt her will wake her…  what time will that happen?  And will it happen before I log off the computer from doing school work?  Or before I even crawl into bed?  Perhaps it will be like last night and kindly happen just as I am about to get ‘cozy’….  then I don’t have the opportunity to miss the bed… because I was never in it…  Or, maybe it will be cruel like it was on Monday night and wait until I am drifting between here and dreamland…  and then keep me up for 3 hours….

Either way, I know it’s coming…  the screaming in terror over something that she can’t find the words for yet…

It leaves me feeling hopeless and helpless…  because I can’t help her work through the terror…  because she can’t tell me what it is that frightens her so…  she can’t tell me what has caused her fear…  All I can do is hold her; when she lets me; and listen to her scream….

There is nothing more heartbreaking to a good parent then hearing your child in pain, in terror, and being unable to help them in any way….

Oh, how I wish I could help her…..  get her back to sleeping well at night…  get her back to using the potty…  get her back to being the happy baby she was not so long ago….

Let me tell you friends; there is a special place in Hell for the likes of people that I am dealing with now….

I just hope they can find their way there more easily than I have been able to navigate the legal system….

To Hope Or Not To Hope….

That truly does seem to be the question in my life on almost a weekly basis anymore….

There are many things that I would like to hope for…  I would love to hope for world peace.  I would love to hope for an end to world hunger.  I would love to hope for an end to poverty….  The list really does go on.

But, right now, my quota of hope is all centered around me… me and my wee…  my darling who deserves so much more and so much better than what she gets from some people in her life….

I am working as hard as I can to make up for those shortfalls…  I am struggling daily to ensure that her life is full, rich, and grounded….  I am loving her with every breath I take…  every beat of my heart…

But unfortunately not everyone that SHOULD feel the same way about her does…  Unfortunately…  And that knowledge breaks my heart.

All I can HOPE at this point is that the legal system helps me to ensure that what is BEST for her is what happens…  All I can hope at this point is that the Judge sees things the way I do…  All I can hope at this moment is that all of the smooth-talking in the world doesn’t stop the justice system from doing what is RIGHT and BEST in this case….

And, all I can hope is that; as Greg puts it; my tightrope walk between mushroom caps in my mushroom patch ends soon…

I hope…  I pray…  that things won’t be delayed again…  that no matter the outcome….  it is all said and done on the 28th…  so that wee and I can FINALLY get on with the process of getting into a SET routine…  So that the crap that I seem to have to wade through every couple of weeks can STOP…  so that I FINALLY have the FINAL papers in my grubby little hands… that I can wave proudly around… and say “NO… THIS is what the law says so NO!”…

Until I have those papers….  I have uncertainty… I have turmoil…  I have no peace…  and no peace of mind…  And that means that my wee has none of that either…  because, as hard as I try to hide it from her…  what affects me, does affect her…  Even at her young age, she is very perceptive…  and very aware…  and very much affected by every moment and every change…

So the changes have to stop…  the turmoil has to stop…  the uncertainty has to STOP…  And the only way it will stop is if I have a stack of legal documents in my grubby little hands that I can wave around….

How unfortunate is that???  Not only for me…  but also for wee…. and everyone else involved; Dave, Christy, Samantha, Rob, Nikki, their boys, Greg, Jessie….  the list goes on…  how unfortunate is it that for peace and peace of mind to be found…  I HAVE TO HAVE LEGAL DOCUMENTS….

And what does it say about the strength of character of the other parties involved??  What does it say about them personally?  Really, I think the fact that they breed turmoil only helps to reinforce the fact that what I am asking the courts for is RIGHT.

No one can live their life in a constant state of turmoil.  No one…  not well…  not in a healthy way…  and not in a productive way.  A constant state of turmoil is not a good environment for a baby to do the learning and growing that they DESERVE to do…

All I can hope for at this point is that the 28th comes with no further delays…  that the courts see things the way they need to be seen, and they pass down the judgement that is RIGHT….

Once that is done…  maybe I can go back to hoping for world peace.

And The Legal System…..

Oh, what can I truly say about the legal system???  Other than it doesn’t work… it doesn’t work at all….

It’s a confusing mass of hoops that you must jump through and technicalities that you must abide by…  fine print at every corner!!!  And if you miss the fine print…  you’re screwed…

Thankfully Nancy knows all about the fine print…  otherwise I could have landed in a load of trouble today.

It just doesn’t make sense to me though…  doesn’t make sense to me at all…  Someone is doing something to breech a court order…  and until all lawyers can be contacted, nothing can be done….

What ever happened to “you did it….  I can prove it…  now pay the price.”???

Why is the legal system set up that, instead of doing what is RIGHT and what is JUST, you have to sit back on your mushroom, wait for calls to be returned, and have your heart broken….  Why????  I don’t understand….

I don’t understand why I couldn’t just do what I wanted to so desperately and explain my actions later; and not have my actions (which were the right actions to take FYI) held against me later….  WHY????

Why does the system move so slow for the ‘good guy’ and let the ‘bad guy’ get away with whatever he wants; because his lawyer can’t be contacted…  WHY????

Why does it always feel like he’s ‘winning’ and I’m ‘loosing’….???

Why does it always feel like the legal system is working against me no matter how hard I work to always be the ‘stand up guy’…. ???

Will this ever end up ‘fair’ to me???  To wee???  Will justice ever be served???  Or will some people constantly continue to get their way thanks to their ability to smooth-talk and lie like the Devil?

Oh, how I wish wee was here with me on my mushroom right now…  Where she belongs…..

Another Week From The Mushroom….

And, overall, I must say it’s been a pretty darned fine week!!!  I heard from the DarkSide not at all…  *insert shocked expression*, the wee has been well and having fun, school is getting done, and, thanks to a simple plea for help that I posted on a ‘swap board’ that I am a member of, I have a ton of ‘new to me’ stuff for my new home…..

And, oh, by the way, the big countdown is on to the move date!!!  Weeks…  it’s is mere WEEKS away!!!!!  Can I be more thrilled!!!????  I think not!

While I love Rob, Nikki, and the boys for opening their home to us for so long…  and during a time of desperate need…  It’s time..  Time to start the new book…  not just a new chapter…  a new book in our lives…  It’s time…. And I can’t wait!!!!!

Move day will be chapter one.

My heart is actually full right now…   full thanks to all of the great people who have helped me along my road since August 24, full thanks to all of the great friends who have kept me on the ‘correct’ road during this journey…  sure, I could have done a million rash and out of control things… but my friends, they wouldn’t let me….  My heart is full because of those who have joined my story at various points throughout this journey..  and even full because of those who left my story…  in their own way they left their mark… and made me a better and stronger person…

And, my heart is full because of the generosity I have experienced the past week…  the generosity of complete strangers…  people who wouldn’t know me or wee to see us on the street…  but have opened their cupboards and drawers to us…  and sent us love in the form of items for our new place…

Those people…  all of those people..  each and every one of you who is helping in some way; any way; with helping us get settled…  Thank you…  you have helped to refill my heart…  you have helped to make my soul sing…

And you have helped to restore my faith….  my faith in the ‘greater good’…  in the good in humanity…

Thank you…

And Another Weekend….

Minus my wee has come and gone.   The drop off for her visits to see her father are hard…  Every time I turn and walk out the door, it feels like someone is reaching in through my back and pulling my heart out.  It’s painful… and it sucks.

Again, people say it’ll get easier; that I’ll get used to it….  I wish I didn’t have to.  I wish SHE didn’t have to.

Tonight was a tough night with her, getting her to go to bed…  working with her on her new ‘bad habit’ that she has developed.  It’s shocking to see some of the habits that she gets in the short time that she is away from me; the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) changes that she goes through…  that I have to work with her on changing back to ‘good behaviours’.  Sometimes it’s heartbreaking.

Tonight though, when it came to bed time and not wanting to go…  I can’t blame her; first night home with mom, first night seeing Uncle Rob and Aunt Nikki and the boys, first night seeing Robert, first night seeing her dog and her cats…  I can’t blame her….  I’d be excited too.

But right now, she’s sleeping…. a much needed and much deserved rest…  and I’m sitting here… watching her cats run laps, watching her dog settle in beside her….  and thinking about how he couldn’t even take 5 minutes in his day to write in her Journal to let me know how her weekend was, what he had noticed, what she had done.  He couldn’t even take 5 minutes…

Gee, thanks… for nothing.

Sure, that may seem like a small thing….  it may be something that you’re saying to yourself right now “hell, get over it.” but, not only do I take the time before every visit to write and let him know what she has been up to and what she has learned and pass on any knowledge that he may need to make her visit with him run more smoothly but, along with everything else he does or chooses not to do, one more ‘small thing’ like not writing in the Journal… well… it’s like the straw that breaks the camel’s back…

It just feels like one more way to ‘irritate’ me…

Simple courtesy to the mother of your child…  FOR your child…  it goes such a long way….

Why does the fact that he still can’t display that simple courtesy for me OR for HER still continue to surprise me???