I want to hope… but I’m tired of hoping. Tired of holding hope only to have it explode in my hands.
I want to pray… but I don’t believe there is anyone to pray to… (Sorry to those whom I offend with that but, my blog, my thoughts, my feelings….)… no one worth praying to anyway.
I want to feel that everything is going to work out… I want to feel it with everything I have… but I can’t.
All I can feel right now is fear.
What if it all goes horribly wrong tomorrow? What if nothing goes my way???? What if he gets everything HE wants and I’m left holding an empty bag that used to hold my hopes?
Why did he make this so ugly? It could have been so easy… so civil… we both could have ‘won’ and walked away ‘ahead’… but now, here we are… me with nothing… him with everything… and both of us with the legal bills piling up….
All I wanted was out… all I wanted was a good life for me and wee… all I wanted was to be able to get through it and still have some kind of ‘friendship’… one where we could celebrate her important stuff together…
Instead I’m left with more hurt, pain, and distrust than any one person should ever have to have…
And, yes, I hate to tell you my friends… HATE too… pure hate.
Yes, the hate will fade… the hurt, the pain… it will all fade… great people will help me find my way to trust again… it will all fade… with the passage of time… But, I will never be able to sit down with that man on any level that even appears to be civil for any event…. And that fact leaves me sad….
I never wanted to know in my heart of hearts that the person that I cared enough about to have a child with would become someone that I despised so fully that hell would freeze over before I could even conceive of willingly being in the same location as them.
I never wanted to know, deep in my heart, and with every ounce of my being, that the person that I had created a child with was someone that I wouldn’t and couldn’t trust with a dish of dog food and a postage stamp…
Tomorrow… what will tomorrow bring for me and wee… Another load of crap? Or will it finally be some form of justice for us? Will the winds of change blow for us??? Will things finally start to go our way???
Or will the riches go to the best liar still???