And The Holidays….

Oh, Christmas really was delightful; thanks to many, many great people and my great friends and their families!!!!  Kamara had a great time and, I relished every moment that she smiled!!!

Thank you to everyone; Rob, Nikki, Alex, Ryan, and their families, Robert, EVERYONE!!…  who made this Christmas so very special and magical for her!

And then she got sick…  Oh so very, very sick.

How happy am I that I ‘followed my gut’ and took her to Emerg?  VERY!!!  How happy am I that, even when the Triage nurse was looking at me like I had lost my marbles, I kept insisting?  VERY!!!  How happy am I now that she is well and truly on the mend???  VERY!!!…

It just shows…  parents…  ALWAYS follow your gut instinct when it comes to your children.  ALWAYS…

She is on the mend though, my little wee…  the antibiotics are doing their work…  and, life is returning to ‘normal’…  or what we consider normal at this point…

But now, whether because of lack of sleep, too much baby snot, or just too much worry…  I’m on my way downhill…  and truly feeling like death…  No good.

Through all of this..  the Christmas insanity…  the gifts… the visiting… the fun…  the sickness…  wee and I, well, we smiled… we laughed…  we loved…  and we thrived…  

Thankfully we have such a great bond, her and I…  and thankfully I’ve been ‘the caring one’ for so long that handling this illness on my own was ‘just another day’.  If I hadn’t had all of the practice doing it ‘all on my own’ for so long…  well, this little journey would have been more than just stressful…  I likely would have come undone.

It’s just too bad, unfortunate, that more care and concern wasn’t shown to the situation when the text went out “She’s sick”…  All I can keep thinking about is how I would have acted/reacted had I received a text like that about her.  Nothing would have stopped me from getting to her… getting to her bedside…  being there for her.  Unfortunately, that isn’t how everyone thinks though; which breaks my heart.

I just wish people didn’t have to be TOLD to care.  I wish, if people really didn’t want to care; that they’d just eff off; disappear…

I wanted so much for wee…  Hopefully I can give her everything I want her to have and more…  on my own…  because the writing on the wall says that ‘On my own’ is how it’s going to end up eventually…

And The Ignorance And Insanity Continues….

But can I honestly say I’m really surprised…  No, I can’t.  Not with any level of honesty.

It was a simple request…  so simple…  and he was getting the world handed back to him for fulfilling my simple request…  and he said no, ‘because it’s MY weekend.’…

So, now I’m washing my ‘bitch pants’ and making sure they fit… and I’ve told my lawyer to do the same… because I’m tired… tired of always doing the giving while he does the taking…  Tired of being the ‘adult’ in all of this…

And I’m tired of him not putting Wee first in all of this…  So very, very tired….

So it will end…  it will not end well…  nor will it end nearly as ‘cleanly’ or ‘courteously’ as I had hoped for when this entire process started…  I honestly wanted it all to be fair…  I honestly wanted both of us to be OK..  to be able to talk…  to be able to be ‘friends’ on some small level for Wee…

That may still happen one day…  but it will be one day far, far in the future…  when the thought of his name no longer makes me gag…

And our ‘friendship’ and ‘courtesy’ will always have ‘witnesses’ attached…  because I will never trust that man again….  with anything….

It’s funny…  Google divorce.  Google ‘ugly divorce’.  Google ‘messy divorce’…  Google ‘screwed during divorce’…  you’ll get many, many blogs and articles written by men and for men regarding how they were screwed or how they will be screwed.  You may find a small handful of blogs from women who are complaining about their exes acting like children during the process…  but not many.  But I know oh so many women who have been hit HARD by the legal system, truly screwed over by the laws and their exes during a divorce.  I wonder why there aren’t articles written pointing US as women in the correct direction and teaching us how to cover our asses against the onslaught of our ex as he drags us through the system…  Why is that???

Is it because, no matter how bad it gets, we as women are usually the ones putting our kids first (and note, I do say usually.)…?  Or is it because we prefer to suffer in silence; not allow the public a view into our problems???  Or is it because we just believe we won’t be heard and our stories will be turned against us, used against us and, somehow be made to be OUR fault…???

Perhaps it’s all of the above.

I know I don’t write this blog to play pointy-finger pokey-chest with my ex online…  I write it more as an electronic journal… a way to get my thoughts and feelings out there…  a way that allows all of my friends to keep track of where I am at any moment and, prop me up a little bit more if need be…

I’ve always tried to stay true to my blog and the reason that I write it…  I’ve always tried to not turn it into a slander column…  And it’s been hard; there are some times that is a very hard task.

But, again…  the phrase…  “She tried…  Fuck did she try” comes to mind…

I spend so much time trying…  trying to be fair…  trying to do what is right…  trying to find a way to extend the ‘olive branch’ while not opening the dam to a flood of inconsiderate, hateful, and hurtful messages…

I guess, now, after this latest…  I’m done trying…  let the chips fall where they may…  I’m done trying…  Now it’s time to push back and just demand what is right, what is fair….

It’s time to try on my bitch pants…  I hope my lawyer is dusting hers off.

Catching Up….

Ahh…  a great day…

But it’s amazing how a great day can turn quickly to tears once the sun goes down and the wee is asleep…  Amazing…

I finally got around to uploading some new pictures…  catching up on some emails…  getting my thoughts in order for my trip to see my lawyer tomorrow…  Just to touch base, ask for her to get clarity on a few things, and get her to work on getting things finalized…

It’s time… it is actually well past time… that things got finalized…  Really???  It’s time…

I’m tired of the biweekly games… the biweekly threats… the biweekly chaos…  It has to stop.

I’m tired of the monthly uncertainty when it comes to my finances…  That has to stop too.

I’m tired of being tired… tired of dealing with child-like temper tantrums thrown by a grown man…

I’m so tired of being tired…  I’m exhausted.

I want it done..  I want certainty…  I want stability for my wee…  I want to be able to know what my life is doing from day to day and week to week….

And I want to know if the games he is playing are of his making or if he really is the ‘poor me’ soul that he claims…  If he is…  I have some legal advice for him…  Get a new lawyer.

I’m tired.

But…  I think we’re almost ready for Christmas…  There are a couple of small things I’m still hoping to get my hands on for wee…  but other than that…  I’ve spent all I can…  and…  my plans are made…. A great family Christmas for me and wee is in order!!  I can’t wait!

But I’m tired…  tired of worrying…  tired of wondering…  Tired of trying to figure out and juggle numbers that I shouldn’t have to…

And tired of remembering things that he has kept…  kept from wee… kept from me…  things that break my heart…  make me cry…

Tonight I remembered her baby book..  her first year boxes full of memories (ultrasounds, cloths she wore home from the hospital, baby bracelet from the hospital, pictures, memories)…  her hand and foot cast…  he kept all of it…

And gave me nothing….   Nothing but another river of tears that lead to the oceans that I have cried….

I asked dear Christy today; because I feel this ‘mess’ starting to get ‘personal’ for me…  and when things get personal, they get petty; if you see me getting petty, please, please, stop me.  I know that she will…  She’s my voice of sanity far too often…  I just pray that I’m big enough to never have to be told “you’re getting petty”.  I pray I can stay on the ‘bigger’ side of things.

I pray I don’t become the monster that he is…  a petty, petulant, ill-behaved child demanding everything THEIR way…

But I must admit..  stomping my feet and screaming; and having someone give in to my whim…  that would feel so delightful right now…  Hell, he’s done it for 4 months…  Why can’t I do it JUST ONCE and have it work; have someone listen…???  Why????

Why is it that is STILL feels like the legal system is catering to him and his childish ways???  When will that stop???  When will he be put in check?  When will someone stand up and tell him to grow the hell up??????  WHEN????

And why…  why does HE get to pick and choose what wee and I get and don’t get…??  Personal items…  memories…  why??  WHY DOES HE GET TO CHOOSE????

Again, this song is looping through my head…  ’round and ’round…  over and over…  someone has hit repeat in my mind…  The thing is… it’s true…

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ’em
But I never asked.
So let me thank you for the time
And try not to waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast.
I hate to break it to you babe
But I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save.
Who cares if you disagree.
You are not me.
Who made you king of anything?
So how dare you tell me who to be.
Who died and made you king of anything?

~Sara Bareilles – King of Anything ~

I do have to ask AGAIN…  who did die and make him King of Anything???  Can anyone answer that for me?????

Let’s Talk About….

Fear…  what Fear really is…  what Fear really feels like.

I have been to places many people have never been to….  I have seen things that no one should ever have to see…  I have experienced things that no one should ever have to experience…  and through it all…  I thought I knew what Fear was….  I thought I had a good grip on Fear and how to handle it… how to use it to push through one more moment of heart-stopping life….

But now… now I know that I have never felt Fear… never actually shook Fear’s hand…  until now…  And Fear grows every moment….

Some people say I’m just scaring myself with my thinking…  some people say that I’m over thinking…  some people say that I just need to stop; there is nothing to worry about….

But my gut says that Fear is sitting across the table from me right now… a gleam in it’s eye…  a glass of wine in  it’s hands…  and a smile on it’s face…  ready and waiting to make my heart bleed.

All I can pray is that what some people are saying is true… that he’s ‘smarter’ than that…  but after today… I don’t think that’s true…  after today…  I don’t know what kind of game he is playing…  or if he is playing a game and is truly as innocent and ‘in the dark’ as he claims…

I just don’t know…  There are too many pieces missing from the puzzle that is the game that he is playing…  the Control Game…  the game that no one wins (As mentioned in a previous post.).

Fear…  it’s laughing…  smiling…  having a great time making itself right at home with me for this weekend…  Until Sunday at 6pm when it will either stand up and push me back into the gutter…  or disappear on the wind, without a trace, like it was never here…

Fear…  Hello…  make yourself at home…  You will anyway.

Now lets talk about Hopes, Dreams, Wishes, and Magic….

Sure sure…  I’m too old to believe in Magic…  but, after all that wee and I have been through… you have to have something…  so Magic…

Wee and I went to see Santa today at the mall…  and I do love our Santa…..  he’s very authentic… right down to ‘yes kids… this is my beard’…  And very kind…

Last year, well, our trip to Santa…  epic fail…  Screaming, crying, emergency calls to Uncle Rob for help…  LOL.  It was epic…

This year…  Thrilled…  Enthralled…

She walked up to Santa and sat me down on the floor in front of him…  He handed her candy canes (another story, yes?)…  and they started to talk…  about if she has been good… about what she would like for Christmas….

Then he turned to me…  “So Mom, has she been good?”…
“Santa, she is amazing…”.
“Well, since she’s been so great, what would you both like to wish for for Christmas?”….

Let me tell you…  I tried… I tried not to get wrapped up in the magic of the moment…  sitting in front of Santa…   Holding wee’s hand…  Having him look as me with that twinkle in his eye… the one that says that he already knows what you want, because he IS Santa after all, he just wants to hear it…  I tried…  I failed.

A tear rolled out of each eye…  I looked down at my lap…  then back up to him…  back to my wee.  I stroked her hair…  and a third tear fell…  I looked back at Santa and said:

“Santa…  it’s been a hell of a year…  we need a miracle.”…

Time stopped…  stopped…  you could hear the screech of the second hands on the clocks and watches through the mall…  He looked at me…  a look…  one that said “Oh how I wish”…  then the moment was gone….  the picture was taken and off we went…  with a “Bless you…  Merry Christmas…  Please”…  from Santa.

I’m hoping for a Merry Christmas…  Hell, right now I’m just hoping for a happy end to the weekend…

I’m hoping that Fear doesn’t get the last laugh on Sunday…

Fear…

“One of the things which danger does to you after a time is -, well, to kill emotion. I don’t think I shall ever feel anything again except fear. None of us can hate anymore – or love.”
—- Graham Greene – The Confidential Agent

Deep Thoughts…

It seems I have had many of those lately…  Maybe it’s the fact that Christmas is creeping up; maybe it’s the fact that things are starting to settle for me and wee, maybe it’s the fact that I have lately found myself with time to think…

Or maybe; and most likely; it is the fact that I always think deeply about life and what is going on in it.

I saw my doctor today; great man; we are very lucky to have him.  While I was there, he was asking HOW I was doing; how things were, if things were falling into place, where I felt I was at this point, how I was coping.

It was a good long talk; all so that we could assess; can my medication be cut back?

He feels I am doing well…  he’s happy to see ‘ME’ back in his office; instead of the frightful shell of a person I was when all of this started.  He’s happy that I have found reason to laugh.  He’s happy that I am feeling settled.  He’s happy that wee is feeling settled.  He’s happy that her and I have found a routine with each other and that our routine will only get stronger and more fixed as time passes.

He’s was also happy to hear that we took a week; a week without worrying too much about anything more than just enjoying; enjoying our new place, our new space, and each other…  He was happy to hear that we indulged in that.

And, then he was understanding when I said that I was very blue as well, that this time of year seems to have brought on another round of Humble Pie for me to eat, that I wasn’t happy about it… but that everyone seemed to care less about what wee and I have to/can give and care more about seeing us smile and thrive.  Everyone is being so super understanding when I say; “Christmas is not something I can afford to do up large scale this year”.

That did get me a bit blue…  and still does sit heavy in my heart…  It does… it makes me sad that I can’t get my wee and all of my great friends everything that they deserve… But only what I can afford…

And then, I took wee’s dog on a walk…  initially it was supposed to be a short walk…  but it got a little longer, and a little longer…  and a lot more thoughtful with every step.

I kept rolling back to the conversation with my doctor and how that made me feel…  And how I felt knowing how tight things were financially right now…  And then I took a good long look around me; at the other homes in the area; at the other places in the complex, and I realized that many of the people here are in similar financial situations to me…  making it…  getting by… but barely.  And then I started to assess:  Why am I here?  Why is my money so tight right now?  Well, no move is cheap.  And a move at THIS time of the year is an extra kick in the pants.  Top that off with a move at this time of the year where you have to replace many necessities and fill the fridge and cupboards that are bare.  And then add on to that the extra fees that I have incurred and, well, it can leave you wanting.

But in a couple of months, we should be sitting much better, in a much better place because we now have everything we ‘need’, the initial grocery bill is done, the hookup fees, the moving truck; all taken care of…  And hopefully I don’t incur the same level of extra fees in future months…  Now it’s just the cost of month-to-month living…  Which won’t be that much for wee and I.

Then I looked around again and I realized, my situation can only get better from here…  really it can… only better….  But some people; whether to do with choices they have made or situations completely out of their control; will always live month to month; cheque to cheque…  wondering where their next meal is coming from… or debating between a grocery run and the hydro bill…  That made me feel shallow; shallow for being so sad about what I could not buy for my wee and for others while other people will always have to live that way…  Never able to buy everyone what they want to.

And then I thought; why am I being sad?  I am doing everything within my power to ensure that my situation will only get better; including finishing school so that I don’t hop on the ‘subsidized housing lifestyle’ ride.  This is not a permanent thing for me and wee… this is a step… a place to rest… to get back on our feet…  to regroup… and grow from.  Our roots that we put down while we are here will run deep and will ensure that we can get through whatever life hands us; of that I am sure.  But if I don’t use our time here wisely, if I give up on school, if I let go of my dreams, this will become my life… and I don’t want that for me or wee…

So yes, this Christmas is not everything I want it to be… along with many other people around me…  but how many of them can claim that they are doing EVERYTHING they can to reach for the stars overhead?  Or are they just sitting on their pitypots and allowing this to become their lives?

So, while I do feel bad for everyone around me who is in the same situation that I am, I can not waste my time or my sorrow on them because, really, I don’t know their story… I don’t know what has brought them here, to this place, to this financial state…  all I know is my story… the story of Me and Wee…  And, if I compare myself to them without knowing their stories…  well, I could end up feeling unjustifiably sad for them….

While I know that poverty exists… and that it is a hard road to walk…  and that we all have hard times financially…  it is how you handle those hard times that defines you…

I feel bad for anyone who is needing or wanting at this time of the year…  but I have to remember that right now, I don’t have the time or the resources to feel bad for everyone in the world who is in need…  I have to put all of my energy towards ensuring that next Christmas, we are in a much better place financially… and that our lives are heading in a direction that I am happy with.

The rest of the world must wait.

Our New Home….

Our new space…  Our new place…  OUR HOME!!!!

Thanks to Greg and Robert…  the move went flawlessly…  sorry about the broken backs, knees, hips, arms, etc. guys…  I know it was back breaking work!!  But thanks to you… it got done!

Thank you Jessie for helping me around the house….

Thank you Christy and Samantha for EVERYTHING…  Christy…  I am truly blessed to have a sister like you… and Samantha..  you really are so sweet to me and my wee…  thank you for being you.

Thank you Dave for your help with the mattress Thursday night so that I had a place to sleep; other than the floor!!!  You’re an amazing ‘husband’…  thank you…  I am very fortunate that Christy shares you with me…

Thank you Rob for all of your help on Saturday…  Sorry I missed your party…  Man was I tired….

Thank you John for all of your support and for stopping in…  Your support has been unwavering and that means the world to me and wee…

And thank you to all of the people out there in St. Thomas who pulled together to help to make sure that wee and I have everything that we need to make our house a home…  your support, kindness, generosity, and compassion will not be forgotten!!!!

So now… here I sit…  in our new home….  My heart full of hope…  My home full of love…  And my wee pleased as punch with her new home…

I have some wonderful items that are absolutely gorgeous… thanks to the kindness of friends and strangers..  and wee has some absolutely lovely toys that she thoroughly loves…

What more can a girl ask for from a ‘fresh start’…  a new life???

There are many things that I do still need to do…   Many things that still need to be taken care of…  but time will help with most of that…

I just can’t believe how far we have come…  sure, there are days when it felt like forever had passed…..  like time was sliding through my fingers like water…  but really, 4 months; think about what all occurred in that 4 months and how quickly things started to turn around for wee and I once we got a lawyer on our case.

4 months….  not even..  because, it all started on August 24th…

It’s just amazing how little you can miss of something….  how little you can think of something, until something takes you back… and all of the memories come flooding back…  For me, it was a smell…  the smell of some of wee’s things that came from ‘the house’…  Everything came flooding back..  but then I was reminded…  I was the one that put that smell that I love so much into that home..  I can put that smell into any home that I choose to call mine…

It sounds silly I’m sure…  that a smell can transport you back to a place that you used to be…  that you no longer even feel an attachment to…  but it did…  The simple, clean, fresh smell of air, clean, vanilla… and a touch of lavender…

Now, here I sit…  10:20 at night… on the first night ALONE in our new home…  finished a pot of tea from my new-to-me teapot..  drinking a glass of wine…  planning my day with wee tomorrow…  and thinking….  “Wow”…  that’s really the only thing that keeps going through my head as I look around…  “wow”…

I miss the hustle and bustle of everyone being around…  I miss Robert and his chatter when I wanted chatter.. his silence when I needed silence…  His closeness when I needed a hug…  His friendship and support….

I miss the people dropping in and out… wishing us well…

I miss the friends, the noise, the chaos….

But most of all, I think I miss the knowledge that Rob and Nikki and the boys are ‘right upstairs’…

Well, I guess it is time…  time to stop rambling on…  time to stop looking around and thinking ‘wow’…  time to get ready to curl up in bed for the night…  get some sleep… and be ready to face life with my wee tomorrow….

Wow…  I’m home……

And The Weakest Moments…

I was/am full of weakness so complete… so gut wrenching…. so all encompassing today that, there were literally moments where I could not breath.  I couldn’t catch my breath…  I thought the entire world was going to implode and take me with it.

I am so tired…  so very tired…  Tired of the fact that this fight seems to drag on and on and on and….  Tired of the fact that he seems perfectly happy to allow the fight to drag on …  Tired of the fact that I don’t get a chance to recover from one of his demands before he makes another…  Tired of the fact that it is constantly feeling like he is ‘getting away with everything’…  while I take three steps back every day….

I’m so tired…  So tired of crying…  so tired of hurting…  so tired of fighting…

I didn’t want this to be this way…  I wanted to be able to celebrate the big stuff together… have dinners together…  be together for special stuff…  for my wee…  I wanted that for her…  That, though, is a pipe dream; one that I know will never be able to come true.

A friend of mine, while trying to bolster me…  trying to get me to dig for one more ounce of fight said to me today “You have to understand, nothing in life is easy.  What did you think would happen?  Shit doesn’t always go your way…  sometimes you’ll have to step up and get dirty.”….

While I appreciated what he was trying to do…  make me angry so that I could focus that anger and push back the weakness…  I had to wonder…  does anyone truly understand what I have been through since August 24th?  Is there a single person who understands ALL of it…  Every moment of it???  I like to think there are… but, are there really?

Rob and Nikki…  they have seen my pain… heard some of the calls…  seen my anger…  wiped my tears…  seen the hopelessness, the helplessness…  heard the screaming, the crying, the yelling in rage…

Greg and Jessie…  they have watched me fall apart… they have watched me rebuild..  they have heard the stories…  they have seen the tears…  they have fed my soul…  they have lived in my phone while I fall to pieces….

Christy and Dave…  they have watched me become the ghost of who I was…  watched me not eat… seen the effects of no sleep…  watched while I hoped…  watched while hope exploded…  watched while I hoped…  called when life exploded again…  They have been there through the frustration… the pain, the anger….  They have been there to see wee come back a shadow of herself…  And dear Christy and Samantha were there the first time I saw my wee and then had to leave… leave to her screaming…  the screaming still haunts me…

Robert has talked me through a lot of common sense stuff…  listened to me rant…  watched me have a total breakdown in a restaurant…  tried to occupy my weekends without the wee so that I don’t think about it…  watched me fight the terror of my own mind…  watched me sleep…  watched me not sleep…  watched me cry…  watched me dream…

In all of that… has any one person really experienced it ALL?  Does any one person really understand it ALL???  Does any one person really know how many oceans of tears I have cried, how much I have sweat and bled, just to try to get as far as I am…  to now be feeling like I just can go another step…  To feel like I have no fight left in me…  Not even for those beautiful eyes so much like my own…  Does any one person really understand…???

Greg and I talked today… and we came up with a powerful image… one he has promised to paint for me…  It was about what I would like to see happen when this process and the stress of this process kills me….  The image:

A lightning-struck stump of an oak; a charred yet stoic stump…  at the base of the stump, a mushroom patch; MY mushroom patch.  Tucked in the mushroom patch, a simple stone with the words “She tried; Fuck did she try” ornately carved on the stone.  From that charred stump, a single, solitary, far-reaching sprig, with an acorn trembling on it..  an acorn trembling on this one sprig, with a single spatter of crystalline dew, spattered like a careless sprawl of diamonds on plush royal velvet….

It’s a strong image…  a very strong image…  and strong words…  HONEST words…  Fuck did she try….

And I have; every day.  I have tried.  I have tried to fight…  I have tried to get by…  I have tried like hell to find one moment every day to smile at…  and that’s not always easy my friends…  But, first and foremost…  I have fought…  and fought fair!!!

But I grow weary…   My soul cries now…  almost all of the time..  My heart bleeds now…  almost constantly…  I have grown weak under the pressure of the battle that he is happy to prolong…  My back is bent under the strain.. the strain of the many faces that I have to wear every day…  The many hats that I have to constantly change…

How much fight can one human be expected to have in them for any one cause?  Even a cause as worthwhile as my wee?  How much?

That is the question…

Where will I find the answer???