It seems I have had many of those lately… Maybe it’s the fact that Christmas is creeping up; maybe it’s the fact that things are starting to settle for me and wee, maybe it’s the fact that I have lately found myself with time to think…
Or maybe; and most likely; it is the fact that I always think deeply about life and what is going on in it.
I saw my doctor today; great man; we are very lucky to have him. While I was there, he was asking HOW I was doing; how things were, if things were falling into place, where I felt I was at this point, how I was coping.
It was a good long talk; all so that we could assess; can my medication be cut back?
He feels I am doing well… he’s happy to see ‘ME’ back in his office; instead of the frightful shell of a person I was when all of this started. He’s happy that I have found reason to laugh. He’s happy that I am feeling settled. He’s happy that wee is feeling settled. He’s happy that her and I have found a routine with each other and that our routine will only get stronger and more fixed as time passes.
He’s was also happy to hear that we took a week; a week without worrying too much about anything more than just enjoying; enjoying our new place, our new space, and each other… He was happy to hear that we indulged in that.
And, then he was understanding when I said that I was very blue as well, that this time of year seems to have brought on another round of Humble Pie for me to eat, that I wasn’t happy about it… but that everyone seemed to care less about what wee and I have to/can give and care more about seeing us smile and thrive. Everyone is being so super understanding when I say; “Christmas is not something I can afford to do up large scale this year”.
That did get me a bit blue… and still does sit heavy in my heart… It does… it makes me sad that I can’t get my wee and all of my great friends everything that they deserve… But only what I can afford…
And then, I took wee’s dog on a walk… initially it was supposed to be a short walk… but it got a little longer, and a little longer… and a lot more thoughtful with every step.
I kept rolling back to the conversation with my doctor and how that made me feel… And how I felt knowing how tight things were financially right now… And then I took a good long look around me; at the other homes in the area; at the other places in the complex, and I realized that many of the people here are in similar financial situations to me… making it… getting by… but barely. And then I started to assess: Why am I here? Why is my money so tight right now? Well, no move is cheap. And a move at THIS time of the year is an extra kick in the pants. Top that off with a move at this time of the year where you have to replace many necessities and fill the fridge and cupboards that are bare. And then add on to that the extra fees that I have incurred and, well, it can leave you wanting.
But in a couple of months, we should be sitting much better, in a much better place because we now have everything we ‘need’, the initial grocery bill is done, the hookup fees, the moving truck; all taken care of… And hopefully I don’t incur the same level of extra fees in future months… Now it’s just the cost of month-to-month living… Which won’t be that much for wee and I.
Then I looked around again and I realized, my situation can only get better from here… really it can… only better…. But some people; whether to do with choices they have made or situations completely out of their control; will always live month to month; cheque to cheque… wondering where their next meal is coming from… or debating between a grocery run and the hydro bill… That made me feel shallow; shallow for being so sad about what I could not buy for my wee and for others while other people will always have to live that way… Never able to buy everyone what they want to.
And then I thought; why am I being sad? I am doing everything within my power to ensure that my situation will only get better; including finishing school so that I don’t hop on the ‘subsidized housing lifestyle’ ride. This is not a permanent thing for me and wee… this is a step… a place to rest… to get back on our feet… to regroup… and grow from. Our roots that we put down while we are here will run deep and will ensure that we can get through whatever life hands us; of that I am sure. But if I don’t use our time here wisely, if I give up on school, if I let go of my dreams, this will become my life… and I don’t want that for me or wee…
So yes, this Christmas is not everything I want it to be… along with many other people around me… but how many of them can claim that they are doing EVERYTHING they can to reach for the stars overhead? Or are they just sitting on their pitypots and allowing this to become their lives?
So, while I do feel bad for everyone around me who is in the same situation that I am, I can not waste my time or my sorrow on them because, really, I don’t know their story… I don’t know what has brought them here, to this place, to this financial state… all I know is my story… the story of Me and Wee… And, if I compare myself to them without knowing their stories… well, I could end up feeling unjustifiably sad for them….
While I know that poverty exists… and that it is a hard road to walk… and that we all have hard times financially… it is how you handle those hard times that defines you…
I feel bad for anyone who is needing or wanting at this time of the year… but I have to remember that right now, I don’t have the time or the resources to feel bad for everyone in the world who is in need… I have to put all of my energy towards ensuring that next Christmas, we are in a much better place financially… and that our lives are heading in a direction that I am happy with.
The rest of the world must wait.