And The Weekend….

A wee-free weekend….  wow…  Is it wrong to be almost relieved to have some ‘me’ time???  Because, let me tell ya, after the puking, the snotting, the coughing, the runs to the doctor, the runs to the hospital…  I am…  a few precious days of wee-free time…

Right now….  I am sitting here…  on my mushroom..  feeling better than I have in a week or more….  wondering if ‘life’ can get any better….

I don’t think it can right now….

But then again, you never know….

Could It Be???

Is it possible???  Is it?? Or am I holding onto a hope again that will only blow up in my hands????  Oh I hope not…  because, I must be honest, this is kind of delightful!!!

Ok…  let me back up…  Oh wait…  must blow nose… then back up…

Ok…  Let me see….

Approximately 3 days ago, text messages started flying between the Darkside and I; wee is sick; again!!!  She can’t come to see you this weekend, I’m sorry but she HAS TO get better.  And she was sick…  Very sick….

Messages back and forth, a few ludicrous demands, then an email from the Darkside to me….  with some more silly demands…  fine…  I texted back quickly with a “thanks for your email, the answer is still no to part and, I will address the rest when I have time, when little is asleep and I can give it the attention it deserves.”

And I did.

I sat down that night, I read his email several times.  By no means was it a LONG email, but I read it with many different perspectives in mind.  Then I thought…  How do I handle this…  How do I reply that might actually get me somewhere other than bashing my head off this wall that I am facing…???  HOW???!!!

I opted to open my heart…  explain some of my pain…  explain where I am at… and why…  I also explained AGAIN that I never wanted it to be this way….  Never.

I wrote it all down…  I read it…  I edited it…  I read it again…  I took stuff out…  I put stuff in…  and then I thought…  how will I feel if this falls on deaf ears?  If bearing my heart like this gets me no where again with this man???

Then I thought…  but what if it does…  what if it pushes us in a direction where he can understand why I hurt… and that, by carrying on the way he is, he’s just prolonging that hurt and anger…  What if???

Sure, he’s been told many times over the last few months that his antics are doing just that, and he hasn’t listened…  but MAYBE, just maybe if he hears something more from ME than ‘Call your lawyer’, he’ll actually listen… especially if what I say is so full of facts that he can’t lie his way through it…  he can’t…  And trust me, he couldn’t…  there is no way he could read what I wrote and say “she’s lying”…  he can’t…

So I sent it, and, not being a fool…  I also Bcc’d my lawyer… and made it clear that I had done so….

At first it was met with silence… and I told Christy that it kind of stung that NOTHING at all had come from that…

Then wee asked to talk to the Darkside on what would have been her visit day.  A text from me to him… “She’s asking to talk to you, may we call”.  Response YES PLEASE…

Emotionally I think that act there…  perhaps combined with the email…  I think it may have rocked him to the core…  He could not hide the tears…

Next day… a text…  “how is she”…  Response back from me…

Next day…  Same…  A text…  no demands… no silliness…  just a text…

Sunday…  Same..  Only, this time I offered to open my home to him, his sister, her husband and their children for a short visit…  Wee still isn’t well…  but please, do feel free to come…  and they did.

It was delightful to see his sister and her family… and he was ‘kind’…  he even turned over a few more things that are mine…

That night, I got sick…  very sick (yes, sicker than a dog as I type this but I want to get it down!!!)…  a text… “Can you help… can you take her for the night…  please.  I’m so very sick”…  There are others I could have called… I know this… I have… and they would have come…  but all I kept hearing was how he sounded on the phone talking to her….  yes, it tore at my heart… and I wanted to offer to him, her father, the first opportunity to do the right thing.  Not the first opportunity he’s had in the last several months…  but the first opportunity this week….  Like I said in an email that I just sent to him thanking him again for coming; I’d rather have her with you or I… I would always rather have her with YOU OR I…  than someone else.  And I would…  He may be the Darkside… but he’s still her dad.

He was more than accommodating when he came to pick her up…  and promised to drop her off before he goes in to work for the late shift…  He was thrilled to see her…  and she was delighted to see him…  and it was a ‘odd’ truce…

Could we have found a truce???  Could we???  Dare I hope???

I can’t help but hope… as I sit her… wondering if I’m done throwing up…

And I Knew It Would Happen….

HE’S BACK!!!!!  That’s right… and right on schedule too…

Geezuz…  I don’t know what’s worse; PMS and my cramps… or dealing with this…  Oh wait!!  I know…  THIS!!!  At least PMS and cramps only come once a month for a day or two.  THIS is the gift that keeps on giving!!!

Again, he seems to think that ‘threatening’ with going in front of a Judge will scare me…  Please…  drag me in front of a Judge…  I have nothing to lose…  WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT???!!!!!  A Judge made recommendations, we want to follow them…  I have NOTHING TO LOSE!!!!  You’re the one who wants to sit on your white board and make no decisions; not me.  You’re the one dragging this on… not me…

Oh why…  why oh why…

You know, it’s funny, I thought I’d have a million things to say today.  After his email though, it seems that I only have one thing to say…

WHY???

Six Days In…

And the pot still hasn’t been stirred…  Odd…  Very odd…

I want to be cautiously optimistic that there has been some growing up done of late…  or that perhaps he has found another poor soul to torture with his lies…  But if that is truly the case; where are the final papers??  Get them drawn up already please and let me go!!!  It’s time to get things final and legal; well past time if you ask me.

Or is he just feeling ‘pitty’ for me for all of the illness that I have had to slog through with Wee lately; giving me a break before he stirs the pot again?

That is what I fear is happening….  I fear that there is still more to come; more insanity to deal with brought to me by him…  otherwise, really, WHERE ARE THE FINAL PAPERS!!!  Let’s get this agreement done.

I have a feeling…  a feeling in the pit of my stomach… that his next move is going to hit me in the pocketbook…  and leave me scrambling and begging; again.

I know I’m not the only one fearing this…

I just hope I can get the Settlement Conference booked before the magic 6 month mark…

Yes, I know, I know…  why the rush…  why the push…  why am I wanting to set land speed records on everything that has to do with him and finalizing things…??  The answer to that is simple my friends…  very simple; trust.  I don’t trust him with a dish of dog food and a postage stamp…  I need things in writing and sealed by a Judge; that is the only way I will find an ounce of peace from that person and his shenanigans.

Sure, he can ignore the documents; he’s proven already that court documents signed and sealed by a Judge matter not to him; but I would hate to be him when I drag him back to explain his actions to said Judge.

Hell, I hate to be him at the Settlement Conference if the Judge asks of him even half of the questions that need to be and should be asked.  I wonder if he’s practicing the answers he will give in front of the mirror as I am writing this…

I do always have to wonder; to lie as well as he does, to everyone, including himself, does he have to practice in the mirror daily…??  I do have to wonder…

Oh the silence..  I thought I would enjoy some peace from the games; from the biweekly calls to my lawyer to either try to stop him or try to tune him in…  Honestly though, this silence..  it is a heavy silence…  the type of silence that you find just before one hell of a summer storm blows through and tears up your town.  The silence is so thick I can almost taste it…  and it tastes sour…

I’m worried; what is he plotting now?  What shoe will drop next?

People seem to think he’d be foolish to allow this to go in front of a Judge for the Settlement Conference.  I do have to say that I agree with them…  I do..  he would be foolish…  Since that is the case, why the continued silence???  Why has there been nothing from his camp regarding even attempting to settle???

I guess I need to drop in on my lawyer…  find out where we’re at with booking that Conference…  and see if we can bang on their scummy rock; see if we can’t get a response or some kind of action from their side…

Something is better than the silence…  at least then I know approximately where his head is at.

2012 Begins….

Full of hopes…  Hopes for me and wee…. Hopes for friends….  Hopes for everyone who has walked this long and exhausting road with me…

Hopes…

All I can hope at this point is that those hopes don’t explode in my hands like so many other hopes have during this battle…

Last night was a rough night for me..   Trying to ring in the New Year without my wee…  Let me just say that it was not one of my shining moments…  But, thanks to a great friend who dearly loves me and wee, I made it into 2012 safe, clean, in a bed, in my jammas…  and knowing where my pants were (a little inside joke for those who remember one other incident where I wasn’t thinking straight or behaving as well as I should have.).

Honestly…  I don’t know what I’d do without all of my friends, near and far, who have supported wee and I through this mess and helped to guide me along this road…  this road with so many bumps, pot holes, sink holes, and dark and scary twists and turns….  I don’t know what ditch I would have ended up on my ass in…  So thank you all so much…  to everyone; Dave, Christy, Samantha, Rob, Nikki, Alex, Ryan, Kristin, Greg, Jess, Louie, Robert, Pat, Jessica…  everyone…  The list truly does go on and on…  but thank you all…  You know who you are.

And thank you for not judging me…  during all of those times when I have been less than my responsible self…  when I have veered off the path that you work so hard to keep me on…  When I have acted like ‘little girl lost’..   Thank you…  thank you for not judging me.  Thanks for just being there…  supporting me…  and steering me back on the path that you want to see me walk..  the path that I need to walk…  For me; for wee.

Oh I miss her so much…  the hole in my chest is very large today…  5 more hours till she’s back home with me though…  back in my arms…  I can’t wait…  5 more hours…

Until then, I shall pass the time tidying up my house…  sipping ginger ale…  munching on toast…  and thinking about all of the people who mean so very much to me…  who have helped me make it this far….

Has it really been just over 4 months since this whole mess started???  Really???!!!

It’s time too; time to focus on the NEED TO DO things in my life…  time to focus on building a new life for wee and I…  We have a foundation… in our new home… surrounded by our friends…  loved by many people…  We have a foundation… and a solid one…  Now it’s time to start putting up the structure that will house us for the rest of our lives…

It’s time to get school done.  It’s time to financially prepare ourselves for whatever may roll down the pipes in the future…  it’s time to focus on getting the issues settled…  it’s time to stand up and brace myself for ‘one more fight’..  because, really, in the grand scheme of things that is all that is left…  One more fight…  Sure, he may throw wrenches in once in a while; every two weeks I’m sure (Why would he stray from that routine???)…  but those wrenches are just that, wrenches; bumps in the road to be handled.  There is really only one FINAL fight that matters… and I have to brace myself and prepare myself well for that… And help Nancy prepare our case well for that…

2012…  a time of new beginnings, fresh starts, great friends, promises to be kept… and one final fight…  One final fight for the life that wee and I deserve…

The theme song for my 2012:

What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song,
And I’ll try not to sing out of key.
Oh I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm,I get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends. 

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

What do I do when my love is away.
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you’re on your own)
No, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, get high with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna to try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I need somebody to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love.

Would you believe in a love at first sight?
Yes I’m certain that it happens all the time.
What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can’t tell you, but I know it’s mine.
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm I get high with a little help from my friends,
Oh, I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends

Do you need anybody?
I just need someone to love.
Could it be anybody?
I want somebody to love

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,
Mmm, gonna try with a little help from my friends
Ooh, I get high with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends,
with a little help from my friends.


~The Beatles – With A Little Help From My Friends~