You Have To Be Serious….

What a WASTE of my time and money…   They might as well have just locked the Darkside and I in a room and said ‘sort it out, you have an hour’…  SERIOUSLY!!!!

I don’t know whether to be hopelessly furious right now…  or just sit and hopelessly cry….

My friend Melissa said to me after hearing about the load of crap today turned into: “It’s nice to know that the retards like more than just me!!  A Judge without a clue is a pretty top notch find!!”

I can’t help but think she’s right… it doesn’t get much better than having a Judge look at you and say “I can’t rule on anything; you need to get a Judge”…

SERIOUS!!!!  OK, I understand Family Law is not your ‘thang’ but my lawyer is quoting precedents…  and you have more precedent setting material at your fingertips than I can even fathom…  And you can’t rule???  WHAT???!!!  WTF am I here for??

Opinions your Honour?

Nope… nothing…  nothing…

WHAT??!!!!  WHAT!!!  WHY ARE YOU HERE???  WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR???  Old assed fuddy duddy…  do your damn job and give us some opinions; some rulings…  It’s pretty obvious that ONE side of this bicker fest can’t friggen decide what it is that is really desired…  and can’t STOP LYING…  JUST STOP IT!!!  So friggen git yer head out yer ass and RULE FOR THE LOVE OF…!!!

But no…  I have to wait…  wait for ANOTHER Judge…  wait and wait and wait…  Hmmm..  The earliest… Maybe the end of May…  how’s that sound???

WHAT???!!!!

So you’re telling me I have to go through all of this stress AGAIN…  the not eating… the not sleeping…  the friggen worry…  AGAIN..  because the Judge didn’t want to get off his robes and look up some precedents?????

Great….  Perfect…  Great…  Just what I need to hear….

This is getting insane…

Another friend Rob, when I told him..  He said “Hm…  Didn’t see that coming”..   YEAH NO SHIT!!!!  WHAAAA????

I was hoping for the end..  I was praying for it..  No matter which way it went… it was going to be ‘the end’…  I was hoping…

The legal system…  FYI…  DOES NOT WORK.  DOES NOT.  End of story.

My question at present is:  How long can one person go through everything that wee and I are going through before they lose their mind??  How long?  How long before the simple fact that they have to remain under the constant care of their doctor and their therapist; taking medication that they don’t want to take; until they become so chronically depressed by the situation and their state of affairs before…  well…  before they just stay ‘depressed’…. ??  How long until that happens?

And then, how long until they go crazy…???  Am I sane because I’m asking that??  Or am I crazy because I think I might be?

Do the crazy know that they are crazy?

Is there really any light at the end of the tunnel??  Or is it just the headlight of the next oncoming train that is about to run my shit over and leave me bleeding????

The Seconds….

They feel like forever…  The minutes feel like an eternity…  It’s all dragging…  every second…

My heart is beating faster than the second hand is moving.  How is that possible?

Why is time my enemy??  Again???  All the time?  WHY???  WHY IS IT MY ENEMY….???

Times when I need more time…  I never have enough.  Times when time should move; it doesn’t…  WHY IS TIME MY ENEMY….

All I ever seem to hear in life is “bad time”, “wrong time”, “it’s not time”, or the ever popular “out of time”…. GAWD…  when will anyone look at me and say…  “you’re right on time”…???

Today…  It’ll all be said and done today…  Court…  Settlement…  Done.

I never wanted to be here…  I don’t understand why the Darkside wants to be here…  I never wanted to let someone else decide my fate; the fate of my daughter.

But this is likely best…  Especially if we get a good Judge; a wise Judge…  Perhaps; perhaps maybe this is best.  Maybe, just maybe he’ll come to realize that he has to stop with his bullshit…  Perhaps; perhaps maybe he’ll be held accountable.

Perhaps…..

I’m looking over his paperwork again…  Looking at it…  wondering what the hell they were thinking when they drew it up…  wondering (again) what kind of lawyer his lawyer really is…

And wondering how much of it the Judge will find in favour of…

And another second just passed…  but a million heartbeats…

One more second…

I wonder how much sleep he got last night…  Or was he up all night practicing his lies?

I can tell ya, I didn’t get much… not much at all…  and what I did get was at my kitchen table…

I told my sister about that this morning…  then I laughed…  I told her I looked in the mirror and gave a little scream and thought “Man, there isn’t enough coffee to make this look better”.  She laughed…  I was trying to be humourous…  Problem is..  it was honest; I look like hell.

But I guess she’s right too in what she said; “Being beautiful in court won’t win you points”.

I guess it’s best to just let all of my pain and sorrow hang out there… and pray; pray that our Judge is wise…  and well-versed in Family Law.

My 2 hour alarm just went off…  2 more hours…  2 more…

How can the clock be moving so slowly…  HOW?  Doesn’t physics rule time?  Physics….  Mathematical equations…  equations that only have one correct answer…  PHYSICS…  HOW CAN PHYSICS BE FAILING ME SO HORRIBLY???

How can time be so constantly against me?

How?

And My Concentration…….

Where oh where has it gone…..  Why can’t I concentrate on this course the way I used to be able to?  Why can I not bang off a solid 6 hours of work anymore without my mind just wandering away…????  WHY????

I know… I KNOW…  YES I KNOW….  I have to get it done…  I have to…  I have to get this done and out of the way so that I can secure a future for wee and I…  I HAVE TO…  I know…  please stop yelling it…  Yelling at me doesn’t help with the issue…

Help me… help me find solutions to the problem please…  Please…  suggestions… I’m open to them!!!

I log into the system…  I set my phone aside on the desk and only answer if it is important (IE:  Daycare, Lawyer, or other important stuff to do that day), I pull up all of the programs that I need, check emails and answer the important ones, start to work, and before I know it my mind is chewing on the mess…  the upcoming court date, the questions, the result I want, the result wee and I need…  chewing on all of it.  Before I know it, a solid hour has passed and I have typed 3 lines…  Ummm not gonna get it done that way…..

What do I do????

Someone help…  Suggestions…  help!!!!  I have to get this done!!!!

HELP ME!!!

Five Days

Time really is a funny thing…  It’s amazing how quickly those sixteen days that I previously posted about went…  Where did they go?  What all has happened in that time?

Now, now we’re down to five…  five days…  At this time on the 28th, I will be pulling out my ‘courthouse best’, dusting off my shoes, and getting ready to make the final walk into Silver Street…  Or receiving a call that we have been delayed…  Because we all know how my life LOVES delays…  LOL…  I pray that is not the case though…  I don’t think my heart and my mind can take a delay…  waiting for this upcoming date, for the paperwork, for the notes, for the correspondence, waiting…  it has taken a toll on me.

Five days….  Five….

What will happen on that date?  I honestly don’t know.  Nancy isn’t worried.  Nancy tells me not to worry.  Jena says Nancy isn’t worried.  Jena tells me not to worry.  Rob says don’t worry.  Rob tells me not to worry.  Change the names a million more times; same sentence, different names; and you get the general idea.  EVERYONE says not to worry..  but, I worry.  There are still too many unknowns…  with only FIVE days left to go…  Too many.

And where is the correspondence from their side?  Where is it?  Why have we received nothing?  Where is the correspondence we are owed???  WHAT IS GOING ON???  Why the silence again?  This is NOT the time to be silent….  WHAT IS GOING ON…..!!!???

I think that is worrying me the most; the clock is ticking; I can FEEL it ticking…  and they are silent…  What rabbit are they going to try to pull out of their hats in five days???

Oh how I wish I had a crystal ball and could see not only what is going on but also what will happen.  Oh how I wish…

It’s amazing how the time has marched on though…  funny…  not in a haha way.  It was actually just the weekend past, Kamara and I had Christy and Samantha for dinner and I happened to glance at the calendar.  I felt my brain come to a screeching halt as I looked at the squares on my calendar..  and I noticed that the court date was one row below the row of squares we were on…   “Well that can’t be right.” screamed my mind…  Then I counted the little squares in my mind; looked over at Christy; and I can only imagine the look on my face…  A mix of awe, horror, shock….  I’m sure there were a ton of other emotions in there too…  “Oh gawd Christy…  it’s only nine days away!”…  

She too has felt some shock about where the time has gone…  But she has much on her plate with Samantha’s upcoming birthday… we all know that a birthday in the works for your children can cause time to race at speeds you can’t comprehend…  But even she felt shock..  Expressed that she keeps wanting to ‘put an extra week in somewhere’….  GAWD an extra week…  I want a redo on this entire month!!!

Five days…

Five little squares…

Five….

Think about us when you’re having your lunch on the 28th…  And hope, pray, that justice is served….

Five days….

Why Oh Why

Why is it that people can’t say what they mean, mean what they say, and just damn well be honest???  Who cares what the truth is…  why oh why can’t you just say it….???  WHY????  Why do people have to lie; hide behind lies; pretend that the truth doesn’t exist???  WHY???

Why are there so few honest people in life???

And I’m not just talking about the Darkside here…  So many people…  so very many…

‘blah blah sure I can’; ‘blah blah yes I have’; ‘blah blah of course I don’t mind’; ‘blah blah didn’t think’; ‘blah blah of course I do’…  GAWD….  the blah blah drives me MAD!!!!

Maybe it’s because I’m so engrossed with dragging one lying piece of work through the courts right now to try to get some peace…  but I can’t take one more ‘blah blah….’ from ANYONE!!!!!

And then people getting pissy when they get caught in their ‘blah blah’ and called on it…  “oh gee… you’re mad”…  NO SHIT REALLY???  GAWD…  YOU KNOW WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH!!!!!! WHY ARE YOU YANKING MY CHAIN???!!!!!

Why oh why…  WHY???   Don’t people realize how hurtful their ‘blah blah’ can be???  How utterly transparent it can be???  How utterly ridiculous it is????  Why not just be honest???  WHY????  WHY LIE???  You’re not saving my feelings by lying…  obviously…  because I’m calling you out… so STOP LYING AND BE HONEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must…  I know Pat says I don’t…  but I must…  I must have a sign on me somewhere…  somewhere that says “Lie to me, treat me like hell, losers welcome”…  I MUST…  Pat says I don’t… but I MUST…

Either that or there is something seriously wrong with me….

Or, worse yet…  there is something seriously wrong with the majority of the population that they believe that lying is okay… that it is acceptable to treat people badly just because they can.

GAWD…  please tell me there’s a sign on me…  because the other two options are just too upsetting…..

Soon, Perhaps Soon….

So…  Wee and I had a few eventful days…  We went to visit family in Oakville; it was amazing to see them… it had been way too long!  She had a great time, I had a great time…  it was great.  And then we came home and got her all ready to go for her ‘short weekend’ visit…  that went well as well…  or much better than I expected because of….  Well, let me back up.

So we’re in Oakville.  We had arrived Thursday night after her day at daycare.  Friday, my phone rings…  Nancy’s office…  OMG what is going on??!  I didn’t expect to hear anything until at least Tuesday…  but nope…  Court date set…  And this is the ‘final’ date…  The ‘this is it’ date…  The 28th….  My eyes fly open and my jaw hits the floor…  “The 28th… of this month??!!!  Really??!!  WOW”…  I’m sure I sounded like a moron…  sure of it…

Jenna confirmed it; yes, of this month.  We hope they might settle before but if they don’t then it’s the 28th; everything gets finalized on that date.

Wow…  OK…  well, you know what the important to me issues are; they haven’t changed from day one.  And I doubt very much that they will settle…  why would they after this much silence.

I was told that weirder things have happened…

That, I am sure, is very true but, really, if they/he wanted to settle, there had been many opportunities to do so…  I am doubting that they will settle…

So, today….  a ‘few’ text messages back and forth between myself and…  well…  the Darkside…  I shared them with Christy so that she would know what was going on and so that I could have her to lean on if it got ugly.  It started with a simple text from me; pretty routine when she is away from me; ‘How is she?  Good night?’…  The answer I got back, I felt, was more terse than what I have been getting the past few weeks so, I figured he had been made aware of the 28th date and was being short with me.  So then I decided “OK, now is the time to tell him about the pickup/drop off place change” so I did.  I explained that I did not feel comfortable allowing someone into my home that I was getting ready to attend court with so the pickups and drop offs would go back to being at Dave and Christy’s house.

Well, he didn’t take that well; not well at all.  He started in with how I was getting adversarial again and how I was being confrontational again.  I was then told that he had wanted to try to settle everything without courts and lawyers but that is obviously not something that I want to do…..

Christy said to me that it seems a bit late for all of that considering the number of requests to settle that we have made…  It’s almost a ‘Too little too late’ scenario…  We already have seats warming and popcorn popping for the upcoming show….  I had to giggle at that.

The conversation went back and forth with him creeping a bit closer to ugly every time… and me reminding him as often as possible that he is the one that made it ugly to start with; I tried…  I always tried… but things have ended up here, where we are now, because there was no option B.  I always tried to keep pushing for amicable but that was always shot down and thrown back in my face.  I then finished off by telling him to talk to his lawyer, that the clock is ticking on finalizing out of court.

I never did tell him about the date that is set….  On some level I get the sense that perhaps he doesn’t know about it yet.  But at the same time, why the huge grump on when it came to dealing with me this weekend?? If it’s not knowing about the court date is it PMS???

I was then asked by John how I felt about the upcoming date.  I was honest..  I’m nervous…  I’m excited… I’m worried…  And truly, on some level, I’m kind of scared too.  He said all of that was normal to feel because, as certain as we may be about how it goes, we will never really know how things will turn out until the final ruling is made….  and on that, he is very correct….  He said that in the end it will all be OK…  I responded back with “Yeah, in the end…”  He then passed on to me a few words…  some which are still ringing in my heart…

“But for the stones in it’s bed the stream would have no song”

Oh, how true is that….???  How true???  And, imagine the songs that my heart and soul and Wee’s heart and soul are going to sing once this is all said and done???

And that wouldn’t be possible without the stones… without the chaos that the Darkside has caused us…  without the pain…..

I can’t wait for this to be over…  I can’t wait for the closure…  the end…  I can’t wait to be able to close that book and be able to move forward; without pulling that dusty, tattered, dark novel off of the shelf again….  I can’t wait to be able to put that damn book on the highest, darkest shelf and never have to refer back to it again… or reopen it again to make one more notation in it…

I can’t wait to be able to write ‘The End’ in that fucking book and close the cover…  to never open it again…

Then I can take out the new book that I have been working on for our new life; for our fresh start; and have that be the only book that I concentrate on…  have that book front row centre in my every day…  Lighting each moment of our lives…  bringing hope, words of wisdom, stories of strength…  stories of hope…

I can’t wait….

The End…  two words…  two words that I can not wait to write…

Soon…  16 days…  16 days and counting…

Count with us… and pray for us please…  Pray that we get what we deserve; Justice.

Many Thoughts From The Mushroom…..

Well, here I sit…  the wee finally asleep, laundry on, house clean, animals content; sipping a glass of wine (Thank you Jason…  you really do know wine!!), texting with friends, making arrangements, making plans, and thinking…  thinking about time…  and how sometimes there seems to be too little of it….  And other times, usually during the worst possible times, time seems to be almost too plentiful.

It’s amazing…  I had a million things to say…  a million words…  a million questions…  a million thoughts…  then, after almost an hour on the phone laughing and talking about nothing much at all, I seem to be truly tired for the first time in quite some time…  hmm…  Perhaps it’s true what they say; good conversation and laughter truly does make everything seem brighter.

The thing is, we truly didn’t really talk about anything of great importance.  We did speak a bit of the Darkside, we also did speak a bit of my recent sleeplessness and my medication…  and my need to get back to see my therapist a bit more frequently right now until this mess is truly all said and done…  but other than that, it was just laughter…  and talking…  and just…  being…

That kind of ease of conversation doesn’t happen easily for me…  I’m very lucky to have so many people in my life; John, Christy, Dave, Rob, Jason, Greg, Dodie, Kevin…..; who I can just ‘talk’ with… talk about nothing in particular but still find it therapeutic…

I think on top of seeing my therapist more frequently right now, I need to make time, make an honest effort, to find a way to get together with one of those easy to talk to people weekly…  I’m sure that will heal my soul… and get me through the next while…

I truly do worry right now…  I worry about what is to come…  Not really for me; I have nothing to lose…  But I do worry for wee….

All I know for certain right now is that I don’t understand…  I don’t understand what he is doing or why…  or what he hopes to gain from what he is doing….  I’d love to grab him by the shirt collar and shake some sense into him…  or tell him flat out what exactly is at stake here…  but, much like in the beginning when I had all of those people on my road keeping me sane and keeping me from doing something stupid; those same people are now stepping up and begging (telling, demanding…..) that I NOT do what my conscience wishes to do… that I just let him suffer the consequences of his actions and his inaction….

Like they keep reminding me… and I have to keep reminding myself…  it is not my job to guide him along the right path…  it is not my job to beg him to care…  it is not my job to request that he do the right thing…  it is not my job to educate him…

And, like they have reminded me many times over the last few days when all I have wanted to do was grab the phone and explain this all to him and what he could lose; he didn’t give a moment’s thought to me or wee’s best interest in August and September…

He didn’t give a shit…  why should I???  Giving a shit about him is his lawyer’s job…  not mine.