The Can Of Worms….

How can someone care so little??  How can someone be so callous???  How can someone be so STUPID????

SERIOUSLY….!!!!!!!!

As a parent, my FIRST priority is the health, safety, and happiness of MY CHILD….  Not my own desires…  not my own wants or needs…  MY CHILD…

Why is everyone not that way???  WHY???

Why do some people have to put the emotional well-being of their child; their safety, their security; on the back-burner of life while they indulge in doing what ever the hell they please?  Why does common sense go out the window when it comes to ‘getting even’ or ‘maintaining control’???

Oh.. wait… there it is…  The Control Game…  Again…  The Control Game…  The game that no one wins….  FRIG!!!!  REALLY????

STOP IT JUST STOP!!!  Put your daughter and her safety and security FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop lying…  stop manipulating… stop the games… AND STOP PUTTING MY DAUGHTER IN A POSITION THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR HER!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!  Stay out of my family tree… stay away from my family tree…  STOP IT!!!!  YOU DON’T KNOW…  STOP IT!!!!

Oh my…  my head hurts…  My heart hurts…  I just want to curl up and cry….

All I can do right now though is hope and pray that, for once, things might work out in my favour and that he may have actually dug himself into a hole that he can’t get out of…..

Please say that is so….

And Yes I Did…

I did… I truly did…  I felt like a horrible parent today…  HORRIBLE…  Oh my…  HORRIBLE…

Through all of the crying, through the tantrums, through the sickness, through the not eating, through the crying for people who aren’t around at that moment…  through all of that..  I’ve tried to manage… and I think I’ve done a pretty damn good job of it…  There are many days where, once her little head hits her ladybug pillow, I give myself a pat on the back…   “Great job mom…  a great day….  another one!”.  And I always feel like those pats are well-deserved.  I don’t pat myself on the back EVERY day but, gawd… there are days where a pat is well-deserved.

And then all of those self-assured – I’m really doing this whole mommy thing ON MY OWN – thoughts flew out the window today…  today was not a ‘pat myself on the back’ day.

You have to be saying… “what the hell did you do that was so horrible woman??”…  well, let me tell you….

So, last night..  I kept her up later than I should have…  but we were all having so much fun…  She met Mark’s kids…  they got along so well…  they had fun…  She laughed.. she played…  and it was nice to have that going on while mommy had some adult time…. adult conversation…

But, I knew..  I knew… I would pay for that today… and I did….  She was a BEAR!!!  But we got through it with walks and snacks and smiles and fun and just breathing…  breathing through it…  so it was good….

Now you really have to be saying “ummm  ok…  where’s the part where it all goes to hell??” …

Well, wee was sitting after her dinner and her bath…  playing on her LeapPad and with her phone…  just relaxing…  I decided to do the dishes…  and, well, THAT’S where it all goes to hell…

For any of you who know my daughter… you know she was breastfed… you know she weaned herself at 18 months and went right to the “click and sip” straw cups…  delightful..  no bottles to lug… no mess… no fuss..  She would take a bottle no problem if she was left with someone else.. but 99 percent of her meals were from me….  and after she started eating solids..  she still breastfed…  like I said, till she was 18 months old… then she just stopped…  GREAT!!  YAY ME!!!!

So.. I’m at the sink today…. doing dishes… washing her straw cups the way I always do…  lots of soap, lots of water…  and I decide in my wisdom to run a pipe cleaner through the straws…  I read somewhere that was a great way to clean straws… but how dirty can they be… I’m all OCD clean here… this isn’t even necessary…

And then I pulled through the first straw..  I almost died…  I was like OMGWTFHOLYHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And there’s how I lost my pat on the back for the day…

My daughter’s straws for her straw cups…  not nearly as clean as I thought…  not nearly…  no sir… no way…  My little OCD heart stopped for a moment…  And I started to scrub in earnest while texting Christy about it…

And man, do I feel like a bad parent… the thought that I have been having my daughter drink from THOSE STRAWS every day…  OMGWTF WAS I THINKING???!!!!

Oh wait…  hold on…  perspective…

Wee eats snails and worms…  perhaps a bit of grunge in her straws won’t kill her….

YAY…  I just earned my pat on the back back!!!!  YIP!

And I Thought 64 Crayons Were A Big Deal….

NOTHING topped the bag of Trail Mix that she loves oh so much from Costco…  Thank you for picking that up Christy…  you rock!!!

She opened the ‘snack cupboard’ that is hers; full of her snacks, her crackers, her cereal…  and other miscellaneous things that she can’t possibly hurt or hurt herself with…  and the SHRIEK that came out of that little body…  It wasn’t even words…  it was just a sound…    The next thing I know she’s doing a jig around the kitchen hugging a bag of Trail Mix tight to her chest with her eyes as big as platters… and a big assed grin on her face….

Then she stopped…  the bag hit the floor… she ran up…  hugged both of my legs…  “MOMMY BOUGHT!!”…

That’s right child…  who loves you….

But no, being the person I am…  I said “Yes doo I did….  you have to thank Christy for picking it up though!!”…..

It was priceless…  it really was…  I wish I had gotten a picture of it…  my toddler dancing around hugging her bag of Trail Mix….

It is true what they say…  There are some things in life that money can’t buy….

The smile that I saw tonight…  worth every tear I have ever cried…

All over a bag of Trail Mix…..

You’re right Rob…  It really is all worth it…

Every damned second of it is worth it.

And Today Was A Day….

A day of fun, of laughter, of defiance, of tantrums, of singing, of screaming, of demanding, of helping, of learning, of…  being.

Yes, it was a LONG day…  full of many emotions…  much fun…  and even some headbutting.  But I guess that’s what happens when two girls who are so similar try to coexist under one roof…  I know a couple other mother daughter pairs like that…  Poke, poke, nudge “hmm Christy?”….  lol…

But yes, the tantrums, the ‘forgetting’ of the manners, the demanding, the stomping of the feet, the IGNORING…  the blatant disregard for what I was saying….

And just when I would be about to blow my top, she’d either lean over and whisper “Love you too mommy” in my ear… or become SUPER helpful…

Okay child, I know what you’re going to do for a living…  you’re going to be a world class negotiator who can diffuse any situation just by walking in the room…  Troll.

But she is such a cute troll….  And I love her so….

Even when she kept repeatedly (and unintentionally; she is only 2 after all!) breaking my heart…  yes, today was a ‘Daddy bought’ day.

Yes, her father likes to buy her things…  great…  perfect…  especially if she adores those things…  The problem is, most of the stuff comes back here to get tossed in a corner and forgotten about until days like this….  when it gets pulled out and waved around “Daddy bought”…  *Insert big assed grin on my face*  “Of course… yes he did… that’s great!!…

My face hurts from grinning…  my heart hurts from hearing…

Especially when she was up to her armpits in paint…  smearing paint everywhere (Recall the wrapping paper that we made everyone…  yeah, similar… only more colours, fewer sparkles…)….  “Daddy bought me paint!!”…  *Insert big assed grin on my face* “Of course…  do you want more colours to smear on the floor??  Here you go….”…  All the while my inside voice is screaming NO HE DIDN’T…  I did… and who lets you paint like this??  ME…  who lets you tear up the house like we did today doing art???  ME…  who baths you 10 times a day if need be just so you can have fun…???  ME…  Who holds your hand when you’re scared… who cleans up your puke…  who sits up with you when you fuss at night…  who sleeps on the floor beside your bed if you’re sick…  WHO…  That’s right ME ME ME ME…!!!!! ME.

But “Daddy bought” everything today…  everything…

I honestly, after tucking her in and reading her stories and sitting beside her bed until she slept because she asked me to…  wandered downstairs…  and I fell to my knees…  and I cried…  I cried…  It hurt…  “Daddy bought”…

I know she loves him…  I know he is her daddy…  I know she is two and has no idea…  I know she doesn’t say the things she does to ‘hurt’…  she’s too young and innocent for that…  but that doesn’t make it hurt any less…

“Daddy bought”…

I can only hope that one day, one day… she’ll see all of the things I have DONE for her, sacrificed for her… and appreciate them as much as the stupid eff’n doll that ‘Daddy bought’…

Gawd… I feel like a horrible person…