And I Hit Submit……

Wow….  I feel like I can breath!!!

I guess school, trying to get it done, trying to get it done WELL, trying to get it done NOW; I guess all of that was putting a lot more pressure on me than I thought it was….  Who knew??

I felt a lot of weight slide off of my shoulders when I had booked the Final…  I felt lighter…  I had made it THIS FAR….

NOW… now I feel like I could fly…  Literally…  (But no, I won’t try…  Frig, even I know I’m not Peter Pan!!)….

I feel like I can breath….

Now… I have a few hours…  actual ME time…  before wee comes home…  NO pushing to get things done…  no “OMGWHEREISTIMEGOING??!!!”….  Nothing…  Just… time…  Two weeks of time actually. Two weeks until I get the results….

There are a few things I still need to do…  but aside from wait…  well, there’s not much to do!!!

Right now, word is trickling out at the speed of text and Facebook status updates….  with everyone; Greg, Pete, Tina….  Everyone…. all saying the same thing…  THIS IS HUGE…  CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Thanks everyone…  I didn’t realize how HUGE it was until… well… just now…  Thank you…..

Thank you for your never-ending support…  your love…  your FAITH in ME…  that I could do this… that I could pull this off…  Thank you.

Thank you….

Another chapter… another moment in our new life….  another step…  another milestone….

Another moment to savour…

And now to truly savour that moment and my accomplishment with some of Rob’s ever so awesome advice….  Time to sit on my ass, have a drink…. and do nothing more than watch time pass…

Fuck the house… next week I’ll vacuum…..  Till then…

Cheers to me…  Cheers to friends…  Cheers to my family (you know who you are)…  Cheers to time…  Cheers to milestones…

Here’s to me!  Here’s to Wee….!

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The Future’s So Bright…..

Man oh man….  It certainly does seem bright right now…. so bright I’m tempted to have me and wee wear our shades 24/7….

We wear our sunglasses at night…  🙂

Oh… I can’t believe it’s finally here…  FINALLY…  Writing my final…  I’m so very excited… and so very nervous…  But IT’S FINALLY HERE!!!

YIPPEE!!!!!

All of the hard work; the late nights; the long days; the nights of trying to push through the entire night but falling asleep at my desk; the days of typing until my arms burned and my fingers refused to hit the right keys….  it’s all come down to this…  the Final Exam…

Oh, I’m so very, very, very excited…  but oh so very, very, very nervous at the same time….  I have a SMALL window of opportunity to pull of the marks that will help me to pull in a GREAT job… not just a good job but a GREAT job….  A very small window….  And I’m hoping like hell that I can hit that window on the first try….  Oh am I hoping…

I FEEL ready…  I FEEL prepared…  I FEEL with every ounce of my being like I CAN do this…  Like if I take my time… and put forth 110 percent effort, I’ll be able to pull it off….

I so hope that my gut feeling is right….  I SO HOPE that I can pull this off…  that I can pull the rabbit out of my hat on the first try….

Everyone cross your fingers and toes for me; for US; okay???  Send me all the luck that you have to spare…  think positive thoughts for me…  and…  if you stumble on a 4 leaf clover; wish on it for me….

I need all the luck I can get!!

I Just Don’t Know….

I don’t know how to say it any more clearly than I already have…  It has to stop… it all has to stop.

It’s that simple.

IT HAS TO STOP!

Our life has to stop getting turned on its ear.  Our life has to stop being turned upside down.  Our life has to stop being turned into some kind of nasty assed three ring circus with the Mad Hatter as the ringmaster.

IT HAS TO STOP.

How simple is that?  How easy would that be?  How delightful would it be?

Why can’t that just be allowed to happen???  WHY???

Why do some people breed chaos and think that it’s appropriate to spread that chaos all over the place?

Why do some people insist upon meddling in places that they have no business meddling in?

Why do some people insist upon living their life like it’s some kind of freak show circus act?

Why can’t some people just grow the fuck up?

Seriously…  Learn to leave well enough alone.  Learn to live YOUR LIFE and perfect that before you meddle in things that are, quite frankly, none of your fucking business.

And for the love of fuck…  quite making bad excuses for bad behaviour.  Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.  Grow the fuck up; what are you two??…  Take responsibility…  Quit blaming everyone else for the sad state of your existence….  Quit dragging people into things that they have NO BUSINESS being involved in…    Worry about you and your life and leave me and my life alone.

Simple, right?  Sounds simple….  to me anyway…

Unfortunately, that’s a very difficult concept for some people to grasp…..

I Just Don’t Understand….

Physics says “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”.  If this is true, what reactions are some people expecting with their actions?

I find myself wondering this quite a lot lately; about many people and many of their actions.

Do they not have the foresight to see that their actions could have a very detrimental effect on their lives, their relationships, and what they claim their desires to be?  Or is it that they are claiming to desire one thing but really wanting another so they set about ‘sabotaging’ their claimed desires with their actions so that their actual desires are achieved?

How do you find out what the case is?  How do you find out what the REAL story is?  How do you know if the person that you are dealing with truly has no foresight, or if they are just stark raving mad???

How do you untangle the riddle that some people present you with so that you find out the truth behind their actions…???

And When Is It Time….

When oh when (and how do you truly decide) is it truly time to throw in the towel…??  Give up; give in; stop the fight….?  When??  And, how DO you KNOW…??? And not just an “oh I guess” know…  but KNOW…??

Is it when the money is gone…?  When your bank account is sobbing???

Is it when you truly start to feel that there is no end to the Control Game?  That the game will be played to disastrous ends??

Is it when you truly start to fear for your safety and the safety of those around you???

Or is it when you just can’t help but sob every night when wee is tucked safely in her bed and the house falls silent… or as silent as a house can fall with 3 cats and 2 dogs and a ‘mother’ with a great love of music and background noise….?

The tears fall again… a lot… they have fallen a lot today….  and fear… true fear for my safety, the safety of wee, and the safety of those near and dear to me is starting to creep in…

We’ve all heard the stories…  the stories of the ‘ex gone mad’ who does something rash… something… out of control…

Okay sure, that happens to EVERYONE ELSE right…?  RIGHT??????

Ummm..  sure…

So does everything else that has happened to me and wee since August 24th…  My life has turned into the book written about ‘EVERYONE ELSE’…

If I manage to afford this battle…  score another piece of paper that I can wave around…  What will it be next???  Will it be my friends??  My near and dear???  Their nearest and dearest??  Will he attack me in other ways???  Is he above (Or below??? Which is it???) abduction??  Or…  worse yet…  could he completely lose his marbles???  It seems he’s not the most stable person right now…  not doing the most sane things…  how much further before he become a ‘headline’ in the news…  and I become… well..  the story….  Could it happen???  Would he???  Could he???

Do I have a valid fear here??

Eight months ago I would have scoffed…  I would have laughed…  I would have said NO WAY!  Eight days ago…  there would have been some hesitation before that ‘no way’…  now…  I can honestly say I don’t know….

I can’t say no way…

I can’t stare myself in the eye in the mirror and say  “NEVER”…

And that my friends…  that…  is fear.

Let’s Talk About Faith….

Shall we…?  We shall….

And I’m not talking about the Faith that there is a higher power; a ‘god’ if you will…  we already know my stand on that… and my stand is once again being proven by the fact that my wee and I are once again travelling a road..  a road that leads through hell…  a road that is rocky and full of peril…  If there were a god or any god-like being, that being would have a heart and give us a fucking break….  we’ve been through enough.

I’m talking about the Faith that you have to place in people to help fight for you…  The Faith that you have to have in your friends to carry you one more mile…  The Faith that you try to have in a parent to do what is right and what is best for their child…  The Faith…

That blind feeling of hope that people will love you and respect you no matter what…  That blind trust that everyone is going to fight for you and your cause the way it deserves….

I hate having to have this much Faith in people…  Because it seems, the more you need to trust in people, the more you get let down…  The more you have to have Faith, the more hurt you get…  The more Faith and Trust that you give…  the less you get…

Sure, even in my life, there are exceptions to the above statements…  Dave, Christy, Greg, Jess, Rob, Nikki, John…  the list does go on…  but that 7 right there…  those are the people that I know with every ounce of my being will be there, to walk this latest road, prop me up when I need propping, keep me on the ‘right’ road doing the ‘right’ thing…  Those 7 people I know will take care of me, protect my heart, protect my daughter as best as they can…  and ensure that, when this road has been traveled, my soul is able to sing again.

Seven people..  I guess I should count myself lucky…  There are people out there that don’t have a list of even 1 or 2 people who they can trust as much as I trust my 7.

I’m tired…  I’m so weary…  My soul is exhausted….   My heart aches….

I just wish the Control Game would stop….  I wish the legal system could work a bit faster…  I wish I could feel the urgency that I need to feel from the professionals that I have in my corner….

I wish, oh how I wish, that some people would just grow the fuck up and leave well enough alone.

Okay I Admit It….

Yes friends, yes…  I do have a confession to make…   Little me…  the OCD Queen has a confession to make…

I do have a ‘lazy bad habit’…  I do…  I have discovered it…  and damn it… I am going to rejoice about the fact that I have one (Have developed one) from my roof top….!!!  Now where did I put that ladder??

Anyway… back to my confession….

I noticed it a few weeks ago after my dear friend Duane asked me “Poor Laura.  How can I help you to not give a shit” after I commented that fitted sheets were impossible to fold so that they stack properly in my overly-organized closet.  No Duane, I can not just close the door and pretend that things are all right with the organized OCD world…  The sheets will call out to me at all hours…   “Laura… hey…  pssst…  we’re in here… on the floor… because we toppled over…  pssst…  come and fold us properly…. “…

Yes friends, the mind of an OCD person is a scary place…  For those of you who know someone truly OCD, I’m sure you have witnessed them fidgeting and fussing their way through the day trying to keep everything oh so perfect and failing and getting all wound up about it to the point where they can’t even relax for a proper meal because OHMYGAWD the sheets are not folded and in the closet properly WHATWASITHINKINGICAN’TRESTYET…

Breath….  in…  out…  repeat…

Back to my story.

Like I said, I noticed it a few weeks ago…  but I thought; meh, I’m just uber busy, uber tired, the baby has been fussy, busy tired busybusybusytired…  So I cut myself some slack…

Then it happened again…

Then again….

Then today…  again…  I went to throw a load of laundry in the dryer and, what did I find…??  The load of darks that I had done LAST week at this time…  happily sitting in there, getting all wrinkled, dry as a bone because OF COURSE I ran the dryer…  I just didn’t fold it…

Hmmm…

Hello lazy….

And then I turn around… and what do my eyes fall on???  That’s right friends… a basket full of the laundry that I did last week…  Nicely folded… nicely stacked…  perfectly ready for the closets and the drawers… but where are those cloths…  in the laundry room…  waiting…  patiently…

And that my friends is when I realized…  I’m not totally OCD crazy…  just half way there!  I AM NORMAL!!!  I DO have my ‘lazy’ stuff…!!!

YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!!

I am currently rejoicing at my imperfection… and my ability to allow myself to have that very obvious imperfection…  as well as the fact that I am admitting it and HAPPILY admitting it…!!!!  MY CLOTHES SPEND A WEEK IN THE DRYER AND I DON’T CARE!!!!

YAY ME!