And The Curse Of The Sick Toddler Strikes Again….

Damn daycares…  damn them…  They’re nothing but giant petri dishes…  DAMN THEM AND THEIR GERMS!!!

Oh the snot…  Oh soooo much snot…

My house smells like a vapo rub factory again…

I guess it could be worse…  I won’t say it…  because we know if I say it… it WILL happen…  And THAT smell takes FOREVER to get out….  FOREVER….!!!

I just hope she gets well quickly…  I just hope I can get her back to daycare quickly… so that our schedule can resume…  and so that I’m not inconveniencing everyone who has offered a hand with her while I try to fit in work during what should be her daycare days….

Thanks for helping Duane…  Thanks for coming to the boonies on your two days off to wipe toddler snot and amuse the Wee while I try to work undetected in the basement…

Thanks for you offer of any other assistance I need Mackenzie and Tina…  Thank you so much…  I am going to take you up on that…  If she’s good to go on Thursday then it will be Friday night so that I can get out for even a couple hours of mommy sanity…  She’s been asking to see you again Mack since the last time you were here…  “Mackenzie draw with me Mommy!!!  Want to see Mackenzie again Mommy…!!!”  She does adore you…  thanks for being so amazing.

And now, here I sit…  showered… in my jammies…  HOPING that what she has is not going to roll my way…  *laugh*…  Who the hell am I kidding…  I ALWAYS get what she gets.

And, while I sit here…  I think…  I think hard…   I think long..  I think about the road…  The trip…  The journey that we have been on…  And, much like many other things that have changed for us either out of necessity or simply because there was a better path..  I think some other changes are blowing in on the breezes…  I do believe that the winds of change are blowing again…..  And we all know when those winds blow for her and I….. They bring some pretty grand changes our way….

Lets hope…  lets all hope together…  that those changes will be as great for us as all of the other changes that we have made so far…  Lets hope that the new path that I see us coming upon will be a true start to a great life…  a great journey…  For me and Wee…..

Time… How It Passes…..

Time really is unforgiving.  It passes as it wishes to.  It cares not for what your desires are.  It does as it wants.  It’s like a stubborn child; prone to tantrums, prone to doing as it wishes, and prone to not caring about anyone outside of itself.

Time.

I’ve started feeling the passage of time quite a lot lately.  Sometimes it’s the little things that make me recognize how time is passing.  Other times it is the larger things that make me stop and think “Wow… where has time gone?”.

A great example of that:

While every parent rejoices in the triumphs of their children…  And trust me I do.   I dance with Wee when things are progressing and she is learning…  I cry with Wee when things slide back…  So yes, I did rejoice the potty training…  but in my heart…  I cried a little too.  I couldn’t help but stand there and look at her while she scrubbed her hands and wonder “Where has my baby gone?”….

And then there’s the constant use of the word ‘baby’ for her.  An example “Could you pick up milk for the baby while you’re out?  Thanks”…  Then, I’m asked when I’ll stop calling the little being who makes decisions, has a mind of her own, verbalizes her wants and needs….  a baby…  The answer…  when she MAKES me… until then, I’m holding on to that word…  it’s all I have left of ‘baby’… And since she’ll be my only baby… well..  it makes the fact that she is growing up before my eyes just a little more tough to swallow.

And then there are the things that you wish would hurry the hell up and get themselves over with.   But oh no, time can’t let that happen… not until it is damn good and ready.

An example of that:

I realized a little while ago…  and, well, the government felt the need to remind me thankyouverymuch that the bullshit between me and Wee’s father has been dragging on FOREVER…  That’s right…  FOREVER…  and it never seems to end.  I wish it would…  I wish I could hope for resolution…  But I can’t…  All I can hope is that one day… one Judge will get sick and tired of it…  and put an end to it…  That will be the only time it will end…  When someone with the authority to override time and its desires actually gets off their ass and does so.

Until that happens…  I watch…  I watch Wee grow and learn and play and grow….  I call her baby….  and I keep pushing…  pushing for more…  striving for better…  so that our time…  our time becomes something filled with the fun that we deserve.

Really??? You’re Kidding… Right?……..

Yup…  it’s a week…  A week of “I know this is what they’ll say”…  a week of the truth knocking the wind out of your sails when they confirm what you already know…  A week… 

Now I just want to cry…  
Perhaps tonight…  when my Wee can’t see…  Perhaps then.
Sitting there looking at the doctor…  a brave smile on my face…  laughter in my voice…  waiting…  waiting for the truth to register.
Dropping Wee back off at school…  waiting for the truth to hit.
Talking to her teachers and principal…  waiting for the truth to grab me and shake me… wake me up from this dream.
Now I’m home…  drinking my first cup of coffee for the day…  and the truth is here…  
Isn’t my job hard enough…  single mom…  new career…  all on my own?  Haven’t we been through enough??  When will the shit stop piling up on our plate….????
Oh my demons are going to love this additional stress…  LOL..  they’re gonna eat this up and grow strong on it….
What have I done to deserve any of this…??  All of this…???  
What did we do???
She’s innocent…  my Wee…  so innocent…  What did SHE do??  Leave me out of this equation…  What did SHE do???  
She’s innocent.
Now… now I just want to go back to the doctor’s office…  shake him…  make him take it back…  
But you can’t ignore the truth… not when it’s right in front of you… not when you can see it with your own eyes…  there is no getting away from this truth….  
And now… now I have to find a way… a way to build my Wee up so that she doesn’t at all mind the teasing and the torment that she will receive in her life…  Now I have to find a way to build a stronger version of her…  So that when the other kids get mean…  well, she won’t mind…  She’ll be able to ignore it…  
How does one accomplish that?  How does one achieve that but still allow the child to grow, wonder, love, laugh, dream, imagine……  Believe?
Hasn’t she had to grow up fast enough?  Hasn’t she been through enough?

Sometimes It’s Amazing….

Here’s a little story that I’m feeling the need to share this morning…  This quite morning after a night of personal turmoil…..

I’ve recently started dating a very very old and good friend…  one who, like many of my other friends; even the ‘Trusted 7’ that I spoke of in a previous post, has no idea what I’ve been through…  where my boots have been…  what my eyes have seen….  I don’t think anyone knows the whole story…  Except for my Glenda…  My rock.

But I digress…

He is trying to understand though…  trying to ask all of the questions I only wish others would take the time and have the strength to ask…  But at the same time trying not to pry…  afraid to trigger something…..

Last night the night was walking and talking for me…   and then it started to scream..  He noticed it..  and noticed a couple of vague references to it…  and asked what was up…  Once I told him, he lived in my phone, texting and calling, until he was sure I was going to be able to sleep…  until he knew that the medication had taken hold and my mind was going to let me rest…..

He tried to further understand…  putting what I live with into terms that he can relate to…  (Is it like left brain right brain?  Sort of yes…  but more like civilian brain and trained brain…  along with various other questions and terms that he can relate to and understand.)….  and he offered compassion…  something I have never felt from someone new to my life; my horrors…  Most people (except for my Trusted 7) turn tail and run….

I can’t help but look back on last night… and thank him..  but he refuses to accept the thanks…  instead he just says “we all have our stuff….”…   like it’s just another day…  another ‘normal’ day for him…..

How can one person be so compassionate?  How can I feel so fortunate to have found one person who doesn’t hold my stuff up and hold it against me…  make me feel like less of a person for my stuff…  because of my demons???

How can I let him know how much this means to me????

And how…  HOW can I stop the nights from walking and talking again…???  The nights seem to be the worst!! I don’t understand why, after so many months of control, the nights are walking and talking again so frequently…  It’s frustrating…  I thought I was getting on top of this…  I thought I had it in hand…  Why has it made itself right at home again??  Why is it that it has walked in my door and sat down at my table…  put its muddy, sandy boots up on my table, tipped back, and cracked a beer…

Why is it back?  I thought I had the upper hand.

A Million Things… A Million Thoughts….

There are some times when I sit down to write a new post in our blog when I have a million things to say but can’t find the words…  There are times when I feel I have nothing to say…  Then there are times when the words feel like they are just arranging themselves into the correct order and putting themselves into the blog…  But no matter how I am feeling at the time that I start the blog post, I always seem to come up with a million things to say…  A million thoughts to share…  even when I thought for sure there wasn’t going to be a single word that would make sense.

It’s been a pretty busy time for us again…  LOL..  Isn’t that always the way??  I have a bit of down time right now waiting for IT to get to my ticket to get me on line so that I can start work…  Which I can’t wait for.  While I am waiting for that to happen, I’m tackling all of those jobs… you know the ones… the ones you put off and put off and put off some more because you’re dreading them for some reason…  Usually for me, I procrastinate on a job because it’s really just no fun…  Seriously…  What fun is folding and putting away your laundry….???  If anyone can think of a way to make that fun, do let me know so that I can incorporate it into my routine.

But yes, it has been a busy time; doing work for the organization that I volunteer for…  Doing things around the house (thanks for your help with that stuff Duane!!!  You’re the best!)…  Catching up on emails…  Catching up on sewing, cleaning, organizing, sorting…  Catching up on pet chores like baths and haircuts and brushing…  Just catching up on that never ending honey do list that seems to linger…  We ALL know THAT list.

And, during the last week, I’ve had family down..  I’ve had friends by…  and I’ve been spoiled rotten with Duane and his presence…  His presence that is still so comfortable..  so easy…  so…  peaceful..

It’s funny…  I learn so much listening to him talk…  and then researching what it is that we spoke about…  I learn a lot from him…  about life, world views…  science…  scientific theories…  and baseball…  I’m actually finding that sport kind of interesting…

But above and beyond the deep and meaningful conversations…  or the shallow and frivolous and fun conversations…  there’s peace…  Just…  peace…  I don’t know what it is or why it is… but… my demons seem to stay quiet when he is around.  Maybe it’s because he helps to keep my mind working on the now…

I know that one day we won’t be able to spend as much time together as we are now…  one day soon I will be working…  there will be priorities…  Until then, I’m going to relish every moment that he offers to spend with me…

And for tonight..  well, tonight has become a bit of a high wire act for me…  The demons…  They’re strolling…  They’re sitting…  They’re watching and waiting…  They’ve made themselves right at home…  I’m trying to keep myself busy so that they are nothing more than ‘background noise’ to me but, really, with how busy I have been this week especially…  I’m tired…  I want sleep…  but I fear slowing down to get it…

It really is quite a quandary…

But it’s one I have faced before…  one I will face again…  Knowing that my nearest and dearest are out there… no more than a call or text away…  It’ll help get me through till when the sun comes up and the night stops talking….

And then, the laughter and fun will start all over again with me…  Me and my Wee….

It’s Been A While….

But yes… yes, we are still here…  still rolling along…  or should I say Steamrolling???  That almost seems more fitting….

Right now…  the moon and the stars seem to be lining up correctly…  all pushing us towards a ‘happy’ ending…  LOL…

First and foremost; I’m back…  as per last post.  YIP YIP!!!  Yup… still here!!!!  All fire and spark and heart and soul…  still here!!!

School went SWIMMINGLY…  not as amazing as I wanted to hope for but still, I rocked it…  yes I did…

And, as if that wasn’t enough…  Holy shit…  I think I have a job…  already!!  ME!!!  YIPYIP!!!!

Other than that…  I’ve repainted some “new to me” furniture and made it look AMAZING….  Oh yes I did!!!

And, despite the heat… Wee and I are still having a blast…  She wants to take her little dog back to Dalewood tomorrow “too hot not to mommy” so that he can run there and she can play and pick wild raspberries that we found…  LOL…  She’s all about the berries!!!

And… a friend from the past…  well…  we’ve been talking a lot… and I’ve been enjoying any and all time that he has been offering to spend with me…  It’s been nice…  It’s been peaceful…  it’s been beyond comfortable…

And I can’t help but smile when I think about listening to him talk… or talking to him… or even just… being…  It’s peaceful.

Despite all of the great thought….  a little demon from the past has started creeping back…  One that I struggle with every day…  I think it’s the heat…  Everything smells different when it’s this hot.  Everything sounds different…  Everything feels different…  So I think it’s the heat….

Other than that demon…  the one that keeps insisting that I look down and see sand and hard packed earth beneath my feet instead of the carpet in my house…  the one that is whispering in the background in my head…  Other than that…  things are amazing…  things are great…  things are…  almost perfect.

And only getting better!