Big Busy Day…

Sometimes those days are great…  those days when it never seems to stop… where every time you turn around there is something else that HAS TO be done…  Not the ‘want to’ or even ‘should get to’ stuff but… HAS TO GET DONE NAOW!

It’s been one of those days here…  I feel like I’ve been running since my feet hit the floor at 7am.

But that’s OK.  Time has flown and it has been SUPER productive.

But during all of this running and doing and productivity…  one thought keeps rolling through my mind…  One thought….

The winds of change are blowing.

I can feel them….  I can even smell the change on the air…

Now I just need to figure out what change they are trying to bring…  what change will take us from A to B in great style with great success.

I have a gut wrenching feeling that I know…

But I have to be sure…  I have to ponder…  I have to wait and watch and weigh…

I need to be positive that this next change is going to be GREAT for us…  For me and Wee…

Until I know for sure…  the winds will keep patiently blowing…  my heart and mind will keep weighing…  and I will keep watching…

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A Few Days….

Have passed since the last time I typed in this blog…  since I wrote an update….

Not a ton has happened in that time…  That is a fact that brings a smile to my face…

Things have been calm, or as calm as they can be…  As calm as I think they will ever get for me.

Time passes…  The sun rises and sets…  And I find a way to fit in time…  time for me…

It’s peaceful…  It’s nice… It’s needed…  this peace.

But, while it is all of those above things…  I can’t help but feel that…  well…  that I’m slogging through mud…  That I’m climbing a mountain and the top is way out of my view…  buried in the clouds….

The climb…  it would be so much easier if I could at least see the goal…  the top of the mountain.

But I can’t.

I’ve never been one to coast through life.  I’ve never been one to be happy with ‘what is’.  Hell, that desire for more is what started this blog…  The desire that I had for more… and the fallout because of those actions.

I’ve always been the type to push for more, strive for more, struggle for more, BLEED for more.

But now…  right now…  I feel like I’m climbing a mountain… and that the goal is unclear…  and I don’t know what to do about that.

It leaves me unsettled…  nervous…  feeling…  anxious.

I don’t like to feel this way…  But I don’t know which road is the right road to take to correct everything and get me feeling like I am achieving…  like I am going somewhere…

Like Wee and I are moving forward instead of just spinning our wheels in the mud.

Memory And How Funny It Is…..

And I’m not talking HAHAHHAA funny…  more of a silent, introspective hmmmm…

The reason for this is…  one year ago today, the historical area of Goderich’s downtown was destroyed by a tornado…  a rather severe one…  and I tried to remember…  where was I when I heard that news?  When that storm warning came up?  What did I do that day?  What did I feel when I heard…?

And for the life of me, I couldn’t remember the answer to any of those things…  None of them.  I recall feeling sadness that the town had gone through that horrible disaster…  but that was all of the impact it had on my life personally….

But then there are other events in history…  events that leave their mark on every inch of your heart and soul…  events that you will NEVER forget even the most mundane aspect of….

The shooting of JFK…  If you were around, I’m sure you remember that.
The death of Elvis…  Again, if you were alive, I’m sure you recall.
The Space Shuttle Challenger disaster…  again…  I can recall every moment of that day…
The death of Michael Jackson…  Yes, his passing did impact some to that level….
The Haiti earthquake….
9/11……
The back-to-back World Series wins for the Jays….

Really…  the list does go on…  but I’m sure you get the idea….

Different things mean something different to everyone… and everyone accepts every event, big or small, in a different way…  Some events may seem Earth-shaking to you… while to me it’s just another day of slides and fun and swings and laughter with my wee…

And what may be a huge event to me…  well, it could be nothing more than just another day to you….

It’s all about perspective.

So, while I do not remember every moment of my day that Goderich was hit by a tornado…  I do recall the day 3 days later….  everything about that day…  from how the air smelled….  to what I did that day…  to what the weather was like…  to how the day ended and every word that was spoken at the end of the day…  All the way to how horrific the weather was that night…  how many guards I had cycle through “suicide watch” while I was in jail…  how my cell and the blankets smelled…  What time the power went out…  Who was called to fix the generator…  what time they finally got backup power on while I sat in my cell and the weather raged around the OPP station…

I remember all of it…

And I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

It wasn’t just ‘another day’ for me…  It was the day my life changed.

But, for some people involved in that night, it was obviously ‘just another day’…  just another moment in their history that they can brush of and ‘forget’…  “I don’t remember much about that night… it was so long ago…  I could have hit her…  I could have said mean things…  I don’t remember.”.

Personally I’d never forget the day I put my spouse…  the other parent of my child in jail….  That would be monumental to me….

I will never forget being put in jail…

But that’s just me….

That’s just because it had an impact on me.

And As Suggested….

As was suggested by my best guy friend Rob after he read my last blog post…..

Honey, it’s time for a new tag line…  New life…  New book…  New tag line.

So here it is….

The journey through hell is over…  that book was put on the shelf…

Welcome to our new book.  Our new journey….

Welcome to our life….

It Could Have Been Worse…

But it could have been a better outcome.

I guess the ability to say ‘it’s over’ is worth the weight in paper that I have that is now meaningless.

But yes…  today could have been better.

It could have been worse.

It is what it is….

Now it’s time to deal with ‘what it is’ and prepare for life…  start living…  keep laughing…  and…  start preparing…

But it’s over.  Done.  Finished.

And now…  NOW…  that old, tattered, broken, beaten book that is titled “The Past” can be put on the shelf, tucked way in the back…  it will be pulled out when it needs to be…  but, until then it will sit…  and grow old…… and dusty.

And this book…  The new book…  Full of friends, happiness, laughter, fun, love, adventures, excitement, growing, learning, being, and LIVING…  This book will now take centre stage…

THIS NEW BOOK is what life is all about now.

Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.
John F. Kennedy

And Sometimes You Look Back….

Sometimes you can’t help but look back…  Over your entire life…  Over a few years…  Over one year…  One week…  One moment…  One choice, one decision, one thought….

And sometimes…  much like I am now…  you wonder…  what drove me to do the things I did.

What is it that drove me to be the “bigger man” over this last year of chaos that I have been through with my ex?  What is it that, in the early days, kept me from just showing up and taking my daughter back?  What is it that has kept me honest?  What is it that has kept me doing all of the right things?

Why did I bother?  What was the point?  What was I hoping to gain?

I can tell you what I was hoping to gain….  The outcome that I wanted the laws of the land to hand down.

I can tell you what I did gain….  Or, at least tomorrow I can….  *laughs*….  But, until tomorrow…  I can tell you what the ‘likely’ outcome will be;

I will not get Sole Custody.
I will not get financial reimbursement.
I will be lucky to get Spousal Support for one more year.

And those are all of the things that I would be entitled to if I HAD chose to be an ass…  If I had decided to withhold the baby after one of the visits that my sister, myself, Christy, Dave, the CAS……… that EVERYONE begged him to let me…… ME……… HER MOTHER…….! have with my Wee….  If I had damn well shown up at her daycare and just picked her up and not taken her back, THAT is the same ruling that would be handed down.

If I had lied…  If I had behaved on the same level that he had…  If I had manipulated…  If I had LIED more…  That is still the judgement that would be handed down.

If I had just goddamned well put myself and my daughter first…  and thought nothing of him or his feelings…. that is STILL the fucking judgement that would be handed down.

So why did I bother?

Why does anyone bother?

I feel pretty friggen lonely right now…  It feels, on some level… like those I need the most…  well…  they don’t have time…  or they don’t have an ear…  or a shoulder… or…

Those that were with me while I was walking the straight and narrow…  Fighting the good fight….  being the ‘good guy’…  While there was still a fight left to be had…  It feels like they’re gone…

I know some of my people…  some of the people that have helped me along my road over the last year… I know that some of them are here…  But it feels like some are gone…  Like they have disappeared now, when I am crumbling under the weight of so many questions…  While I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that being the bigger man got me no where…

Again.

*Chuckle*  The story of my life…  Being the bigger man…  Being the nice guy…  Being the stand up guy…  Being the brave one, the strong one…  The honest one…  the loyal one…  It has gotten me no where…  Again…

No wonder my heart is so hard…

No wonder my outlook on life and events is so bleak…

No wonder I can’t believe in miracles, magic, or the greater good….

None of that exists.

Well, Well, Well…..

It sounds almost like a song doesn’t it?  Well, Well, Well…..

Well, I looked at the calendar today…  I took a good look… and for some reason, I felt like I had forgotten something…

So I looked…  at my calendar…  in my phone… at my email…  in my computer…  and I found it…  I found what I had missed….  One date…  One 1 year ‘anniversary’ if you will…

I missed the 1 year anniversary of the date that I handed my ex the first set of “Temporary” Separation papers.

Of course, for those of you who had lived in my email and in my chat programs and in my phone after 2 am; you know those papers had been a long time in the making…  You knew that it was over and done with long before those papers were handed over…  And, in some ways…  some of you knew it was over even before it began…..

And… there’s another date coming up…  Sunday…  Sunday will be the date that the courts have filed for our ‘Official’ 1 year separated date…  That’s the date that has come to be on all court documents.

One year…

And, then, on Monday…  we have another “Settlement Conference” AKA stupidwasteofmytimemeetingthatwilldonothingmorethanpissmeoffI’msure.

Are you all ready for it???  All of my nearest and dearest???  Are you ready for this one??  The anger… the hurt…  the wishes…  the desire for it to be all over with NAOW…  The tears… the inevitable tears….  Are you ready?????

I hope so… because, I’ll be honest with you…  I don’t know if I am.  I really don’t.

I’m so tired…  so tired lately.  Maybe I’m pushing too hard.  Trying to do too much.  I don’t know what it is but, I’m so tired.

I just wish…  wish..  that for one day…  just one…  someone… anyone…  would just take care of me…..  Just pamper me…  Just carry my load for me…  just for one day…

Because I’m so tired…

I’m tired of hurting…  I’m tired of being the secretary to a person who can’t grow the fuck up and take care of his responsibilities….  I’m tired of the meetings that go nowhere… the promises that are kept for mere seconds…  the words that are lies…  the lies that have to be defended against…  the feeling that my life is nothing but a game of chess right now…  strategizing… anticipating the next dumbassed move on his part… and trying so desperately to defend against that move before it can tear apart everything that I have fought so hard to build for us.

I’m tired of crying over this mess…

I’m tired of wondering… wondering where all of this pushing… all of this hard work is going to get me and wee….  Is it going to get us the life we deserve… or will we constantly be in a state of skating by??

I’m just tired…

We seem to be sleeping so much lately…  but it never seems to be enough right now…  And I don’t understand why…  Maybe our latest bug that we got from the petri dish that we call daycare kicked the shit out of us more than I thought it did….

Or maybe, on some level, we’re both tired of the fight and just want it to be over with….

I can hope that this meeting on Monday might bring resolution…  we’re pulling out some pretty big guns on this one.  But, we’ve done that before and heard nothing more from them then “we need to put this down on paper and see how it looks then we’ll decide”.  Really??  Get off yer whiteboard man and make a friggen decision!!!

I’m tempted to take a whiteboard full of drawings to the meeting on Monday…  to illustrate what is going on and what will hopefully happen if he forces this to trial.

Oh so tempted.