I Am So Tired…

So very very tired….

I’m tired of wondering:  “What will it be next”…

I’m tired of worrying:  “What will a total stranger decide is right for my daughter”….

I’m tired of guessing:  “How far will he push this”…..

And I am very very tired of trying to research options, laws, precedents, and procedures and finding site about “boo hoo poor Dad got screwed…”…

That’s all I ever seem to see… How father’s get screwed in divorce…

Man, could I give them an education on what getting screwed really is….  From the woman’s perspective!

SERIOUSLY FOLKS…  I’m tired…

There are things I would like to do for me and Wee…  I’d like to move us into a nicer place…  I’d like to move us into something more permanent…  I’d like to save to buy a house….

But I can’t even consider doing any of those things without thinking…  “Is he serious about having us spend 10 to 20 grand to drag this to court to have a complete stranger make the decisions?”….

That seems insane to me…  Why spend that kind of money… 10 to 20 thousand EACH… Wee’s money really… and allow a perfect stranger to make the decisions that will affect the rest of our live… our daughter’s life…????  Who does that????

I’ve been a reasonable person… or I’ve tried very hard to be.  It’s getting harder and harder to be reasonable as time goes on…  But I think that’s because I am getting so tired…  So very very tired…

Tired of worrying…  tired of waiting… tired of watching…

Tired of our life being stuck in a holding pattern because he can’t get over himself and see what’s best….

Ahh The Chaos….

Well, now that I am sure that things are a tad more secure than they were…  let me update you on what has been going on.

So, if you recall, a while back, I had stated that it was done… the fight was over.  I had felt that I had given more than I should have to come to the settlement but, it was over and I was happy.

Well, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It all started with a need to change Wee’s daycare days from what they were to what they are now.  Which would mean that she would be in daycare one of the days every other week (Once a month depending on his work schedule.) that her father was to see her.  Bad me allowing that to happen.  I know… I know.  But please understand…  come next school year she will have to be in care full time anyway so… that day during the week would be spent in care anyway and he would not be able to see her during that time anyway… so what’s wrong with firming up a “forever schedule” now instead of having to go to court again in less than a year?

And the change was not requested by me.  I didn’t do it to ‘make him pay’.  Wee’s daycare needed the change.

So he wanted to go back to seeing Wee every weekend.  Which I am not OK with because, well, in a year, she will be in care full time so the only ‘quality time’ will be the weekends…  Very soon I hope to be working full time so, my only ‘quality time’ with her will be weekends.  Why should he get more ‘quality time’ than I do?

So I made a suggestion.  That was thrown back in my face with a “I want to have her 50 percent of the time and I will pay whatever I have to to make it happen.”.

Ummm  OK….

Email to lawyer explaining this.

Conversation with lawyer today; Legal Aid does not want to reopen your file (that was closed because we had come to an agreement) and does not feel this should go to trial.

UG.  Stress.

So that’s where I am today…

But, let us back up a bit to the Friday Bombshell; as I have come to call it.

He was telling me his master plan of going for 50 percent access and A:  I was furious.  B:  I was disgusted.  C:  I kept hearing his words and thinking…  This is not HIM talking… These are not HIS words….  It’s like he’s parroting something that someone has said to him over and over and over again.  So much so that he now believes it is 100 percent true and very attainable.

So, my brain, in the nocturnal wanderings it had over the weekend… it reminded me of a few things…  Of a few people who had my blog address…  Of a few people who had a lot of information regarding my life…  of a few people that I trusted on some level that for one reason or another dropped me as a friend and became ‘best buds’ with him…  and a few that were still, after a year and after all that they have bore witness to, still tried to walk the ‘middle ground’…  Still tried to be ‘friendly’ with both of us…  still tried to ‘keep in touch’ with both of us…

And who could easily pass information to him… and who would be full of interesting “horrible separation and divorce” advice that they would HAPPILY share.

When I woke on the Sunday morning… the pieces were all there…  The ideas he has had… the moves he has made… the things he has said…  all of it…  there.  I couldn’t ignore it…

I felt like a crazy person even thinking it…  I felt insane even talking about it…  But…  If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck…  especially since he has stated he is pushing this to trial in January…  Can I really ignore the duck…???

I chose not to ignore it.. I chose to follow my gut…

I locked down my Facebook.  I removed some friends.  I changed my blog address.  And I am keeping an eye for any sign that me, my thoughts, my life, may be showing up on the internet for ALL to see if you search Google enough.

Some of you may think I need to wrap my head in tinfoil…  And that is fine.  That is your right…  Trust me, I feel that way sometimes too…

But while you’re thinking that…  let me ask you…  Has my gut been wrong yet?

And Just When I Thought….

OK, first off…  what the hell was I doing thinking?  What was I thinking when I tried to shine a positive light on things???  WHAT WAS I DOING!!!???!!!!

I should have known it wouldn’t be over…  I should have known he wouldn’t let it be over…

It was all too simple…  I should have damn well known it was too simple; too easy…  too (almost) painless….

What was I thinking…???!!!!!!!

Oh wait… I thought he might have come to his senses…

Silly me.

He hasn’t.  It’s not over.  In fact, it’s being dragged out AGAIN.  And over what…  over what you ask… what could he possibly want now…?  What could he possibly be asking for…?  He got everything…  He got it all..  What else is there???!!!

I’ll tell you what there is…  More time.

He made to and agreed with the changes to the Access Schedule and, now that she has had to start attending Daycare on Fridays, he wants more days…  more weekends.

OK, OK…  I know…  OOOOHHHHH  POOR HIM…..

That’s out of your system now right???

Take a step back… take a look at the BIG picture…

He has asked that I be 100 percent financially self sufficient by July of 2013.  Which means that A:  He is paying Spousal Support for less time than we were married and B:  Wee would have to be in Full Time school/daycare next year anyway…  So he’d be losing the Friday during the day anyway, and he knew that going in and making the changes to the Access Schedule that he did…  Or at least he should have…  It doesn’t take an Albert Einstein IQ to figure THAT out…..

BUT… now he’s whining about it…  BOOHOOO poor me…  Make her give me more time…  Time from HER weekends with Wee…  BOOOHOOOOO.

This latest round of BS started and I put my foot down with a resounding HELLS NO…  and those are still the words coming out of my mouth…  HELLS NO…  Why should I give up my quality time with Wee just so that he can damn well do as he pleases, get his way one more time, drop her off at his parents house to be babysat so that he can work during his Access times or go and play poker during his Access times.  If you want time with her, damn well take full advantage of the time that you have with her…  as per the schedule that you created and then said OK to…

I do…  I take full advantage of my every moment with Wee…

So, my response is still, and will continue to be HELLS NO.

Go ahead…  Take me to Court…  I dare ya.

Where Were You….

The question…  the question that has been asked over and over again by thousands…  millions… of people the last few days:  “Do you remember where you were when….?”.

I think everyone, even 11 years later, remembers where they were, what they were doing…  On some level anyway…  Everyone.

Personally…  I’m remembering it all this year with such clarity…

I’m remembering the song I was singing to being interrupted….

I’m remembering the words that were spoken in the news broadcast….

I’m remembering the sound of my hair dryer dropping out of my hands and hitting the sink in front of me…

I’m remembering the feel of my numb fingers dialing the phone….

I’m remembering my every word with my CO…  my every argument for why I should go….

I’m remembering the rushed calls to gather the rest of the guys….

I’m remembering the ride….  Then the view…

The dust… the smoke… the people…  the expressions… the sounds…  the smell…..

Remembering….

Do you remember?

I’ll never forget.

RIP to all who had their lives ended that day… and in the days following…  RIP to all who have passed since…  from illness, from stress, from memories that won’t fade.

And to all of us who still walk…  I hope we can find peace soon.