Exhaustion And Frustration….

Those two things seem to go hand-in-hand in my life anymore…

Exhaustion and Frustration…

And I’m tired of it…  Tired of all of it…

I’m tired of having to hunt people down for answers…  what, is your email or your phone broken?  Seriously…  I know you’re busy but, so am I… and if I have questions that only YOU can answer…  well, damn it, answer them!  That is what you’re being paid for after all….

I’m tired of having to wonder what is going to come next…. what ridiculous notion, what scheme, what plot, what ridiculous request.  Seriously…  It gets exhausting trying to guess 5 steps ahead of someone ALL OF THE TIME…  just so that you can cover your ass, make the necessary adjustments, do damage control, research to ensure that the threats are just empty, hollow threats…

I’m tired of feeling bad for everything anymore…  Feeling bad because I say no it is MY weekend with her, we have plans, we made plans a long time ago, and I deserve ample notice if you are requesting those plans change…  Feeling bad because I can never spend as much time with Wee as was planned when she was planned…  Feeling bad because she is going through all of this and really doesn’t understand what “this” is…  And feeling bad because ‘I want my dad.’, ‘I want my dad to pick me up.’, ‘I don’t want you, you’re mean.’, ‘I love my dad, he’s better than you.’…………..  God damn it…  I try so hard…  Why can’t I get just a bit of slack…

And then the exhaustion of feeling like you really know no one who you thought you knew…  feeling like you have to beg for any kind of help; even the smallest favour when, damn it, you give so friggen much of yourself all of the time….  feeling like those you hold close and dear in your heart really don’t care if you’re around or not…  feeling like even your friends and your family are strangers…  absolute strangers to you who couldn’t care one way or another if you were around or not, if you were in their life or not.

While I know the vast majority of that last paragraph is totally not true…  I really do just need a moment on my pity pot…  I just need a moment to sulk…

My life in the last year and a bit has been turned on it’s ass…  and the fall hasn’t stopped… and I’m tired…  I’ve lost friends…  I’ve been stabbed in the back by people I trusted…  I’ve lost family… I’ve lost a marriage…  and now… now…  now I hear almost daily how “dad is better” either because he’s not mean or because he buys new things…

I’m not mean…  Why can’t she see that?  Why can’t she see how much I’ve bled and cried for her….?

Maybe it would be best if I just gave up the fight…  let him have what he wants; whatever the hell that may be… I have to wonder if he even knows…..

The fight is wearing on me…

The pain doesn’t stop….

And my toddler thinks he’s better.

My Wee…

Thinks he’s better.

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And Another Week Full Of More….

Well…  It’s been a week…  A week for both of us…

Some ups.  Some downs.  And, lemme tell ya, I think between the two of us, the OHIP system is getting a workout!!!

It started so innocently…  “Mommy, I’m cold.”…  Um OK, sure…  blankets, pillows, favourite animals, snuggles…  Snuggles…  OH SHIT…  why are you so hot!!

“Baby… let mommy take your numbers.”

“OK mommy.”

Crap…  101.6…  WHAT NOW???!!!!

Three days later…  still up… still bouncing between 102 and 104…  Trip to the doctor’s office…

Test, test, poke, poke, prod, prod…  “We see nothing obvious.  You’re doing all the right things.  Keep it up…  If it’s not better by Thursday, take her to the ER.”.

OK..  Fine…  breathe…  Doing fine…  Tired…  but doing fine…  doing all the right things…  fine…

Then, Tuesday night, with no warning (But I guess illnesses don’t send out “here I come there I go” notices do they.)…  the fever breaks.  Since then she has been eating everything in site and playing up a storm…  YAY!!!  Good news.

Yesterday…  well, it starts innocently enough.  Back to our routine… back to ‘school’ for her… back to work for me…  I go to take our dog for a run and…  woops…  I step on one of his dog bones.  I turn my ankle horribly…

Now I’m not a wuss by nature…  I’ve broken lots of things.  I’ve been stitched up with no anesthetic at all…  I’ve had procedures performed with nothing more than large doses of Demerol raging through my system…  But HOLYHELLWHATTHECRAP…. THIS HURTS!!!!

I decide to wait it out… ride it out…  ‘maybe it’ll get better’…  By last night, I was trying to think of ways to remove my foot about 6 inches above the ankle.  I even considered smearing that portion of my leg in peanut butter and letting our dog chew it off….  Yup.. Desperate.

But in among all of the pain… I got good news…  I’m DONE GATING!!!  YAY!!!  I can now work as much as I want and whenever I want!!!  YIPPEEE!!!!!

This morning…  The ER…  the early morning run.  I find that’s the best time to go.  X-ray, ultrasound, results to the fella who is going to treat my injury.  *sigh* Yes, there is damage.  How bad, I don’t know yet.  The doctor who is going to treat me, well, he’s in surgery all day.  He’s asked me to come back tomorrow morning during his rounds and he’ll sort me out.

Fine…

Leave with my ankle wrapped and a stern warning “STAY OFF IT!!!  We’re not kidding here.  You’ve done enough damage”…

Gee, thanks…  you do know I’m a single mom with a dog right???  And stairs??  And laundry??  And …..??????

“STAY OFF IT; WE’RE NOT KIDDING”

Crap.

So, now here I sit…  ice on my foot… my foot propped up on my daughter’s mega blocks wagon…  *sigh*…

It may be a weekend full of little more than enjoying my new to me TV with my foot up.

Yea, I wish.

It Feels Like There Is Balance….

It’s funny…  nothing huge has happened over the last couple of days but, life feels… balanced…  and I find myself actually finding inspiration and great “life advice” in almost everything that I see…

It’s odd.

I’ve had friends drawing closer again lately…  Perhaps it’s to remind me that, no matter what, they are still there…  Or perhaps it is because of the holiday season and what a hard time I had of Thanksgiving; if Thanksgiving was hard for me, what will Christmas be like??  The good news on that front though is that Wee WILL be home for Christmas.  I WILL NOT let that fact change.

Right now though, here I sit…  Happy, content, with a hot water bottle on my belly and a heating pad on my back…  waiting for work to call me so that I can get started for the day…  Thinking and rereading a status that I stole from my “husband”…  and thinking how true every word of it is…..

1.  Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
3.  When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
4.  Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
5.  Follow the three Rules:  Respect for self.  Respect for others.  and Responsibility for all your actions.
6.  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
7.  Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
8.  A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9.  Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
11. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
12. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
13. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
14. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
16. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well.  Just get up and dance.
17. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation.  Don’t bring up the past.
18. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19. Share your knowledge.  It is a way to achieve immortality.
20. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
21. Be gentle with the Earth.
22. Opportunities always look bigger going that coming.
23. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
24. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
25. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
26. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
27. You only fail if you NEVER TRY!!!

See…  See what I mean by inspiration and great life advice in almost everything that I see?  Who would have thought that you could get this kind of honesty and truth off Facebook.

Thanks for that Dave.

Words of wisdom come in many forms, and show up in the most interesting and unexpected places.  Just because the words are written somewhere unexpected does not retract from the weight of those words.  Perhaps the fact that you took a moment to see them adds more weight…   ~ Thoughts by me…  may I have my penny please…..

Sometimes… Just Sometimes…

Sometimes in life you have to swim upstream……

Sometimes in life you have to fight the currents of ‘what is popular’ and what everyone else thinks…

Sometimes you have to follow your heart…  follow your gut…  dance to the beat of your own drum.

It isn’t always easy to do….  Sometimes it’s outright scary…  but often you get more benefit from doing it than you would have ever gotten had you followed “popular opinion”.

Sometimes dancing to the beat of your own drum is lonely…   Often it is actually.

All you can hope, while you are dancing, is that people will understand…  and that they will be there for you…

Never be afraid to ask the tough questions in life…

Never be afraid to follow your heart…

Never be afraid to ask for what you want in life….

Never be afraid to ask for what you feel you deserve…..

Always look for the true and honest answer when the answers you’re getting don’t add up.

And always remember…  never sell yourself short…  Never.  You’re better than allowing anyone to put you on the “Sale” rack of life.

If you feel you’ve been put there, pull out your drum… and start dancing.

And never fear…

People will respect and admire your dancing…

They’ll admire your strength.

Ah The Holiday Season….

Well, I guess it’s official.  It has officially begun…  The Fall/Winter Holiday Season.

Time for turkeys.  Time for stuffing.  Time for friends.  Time for family.  Time for love.  Time for cheer…..

And time for some of us to be so lonely and heartbroken that we wonder how we can make it from one day to the next.

Not everyone is blessed with family that they can draw near to during this time of the year.  I know I’m not.  It literally is Me and Wee…  But that’s OK.  I do what I can to show her what family is all about… what the holidays are all about…  what love and companionship is all about.

When she’s around.

And when she’s not…  the demons that I carry..  well, they come knocking…  they come to visit…  They bring their friends; darkness, sorrow, and desperation to visit.

They are not welcome in my life or in my home… but because of where I have been, I can’t stop them from coming…  All I can do is hope… Hope that I can keep myself busy enough that I don’t notice them stinking up my house; putting their dirty, sandy boots up on my table, tipping my chairs back with their dark laughter filling my heart, mind, and home.

And then Wee will come home…  she’ll come home and things will brighten up again…  She really is my sun…  The one thing that can banish all darkness from my life and my world.

Until she comes home…  I know my demons will be there…  lurking.  I also know that I’ll have friends keeping in touch; friends who know how hard this time of the year always is for me; friends who understand. I also know that I’ll have my “hand picked” family to turn to…  Those friends who are near and dear and so close to my heart that they should be my family.  And while they may not understand…  I know they’ll be there to share a smile.  And then there are my friends…  my friends who never wore boots…  but who will still be there to prop me up and keep me busy anyway.

I’m not the only person who goes through desperate loneliness during the holidays…  There are many people that do…  And they do for many reasons that none of us will even consider….  It could be money.  It could be lack of satisfaction with their lives.  Lack of family.  Lack of close friendships.  Not having their children home.  It could be anything.  And many of those people pass through our lives every day; maybe even work and live shoulder to shoulder with us.

So, for those of you who have a complete and full life during the Holiday Season…  I beg to you.  Please take an extra moment every day during this time; this time of turkey and togetherness…  during the holidays that easily slide for some of us from Thanksgiving into Christmas into New Years…  take an extra moment to hand out a few extra smiles and make sure they are returned.  If they’re not, take a moment out of your day to ask how that person is and to listen; to really hear…  Take a moment to bring a small ray of light into the lives of everyone who crosses your path.

You never know what the people around you are going through; what they are struggling with.  You never know whose day you could make a little more tolerable with those actions.

And honestly, you never know whose life, whose heart, whose soul you could help lighten, brighten, and even save with a simple kindness, a simple heartfelt smile, and a kind word.

Take a moment.  Spread the cheer that your life is so full of.  Not all of us are so fortunate.

This Has Been A Long Week….

And this particular day is getting to be VERY long…  So very very long…..

And I was looking forward to it being a great day.  A fabulous day…  because I had received FABULOUS news from my lawyer:  Grandparents have NO rights.

Perfect.  So last night’s tirade from him can go ignored.  Great.  Fine.  Perfect.

Insert HUGE SMILE on my face…  The weight of that silliness is gone.

Well, I came to blog about the great news before I started work for the day and, the first thing I see from my lawyer is a note stating that she got a fax from his lawyer saying that I had ‘taken away’ time from him and that he wanted it back.

Chain of events so you can follow:

Sunday he texts me and asks me to have Wee from Friday PM to Monday PM.  I said no.  I explained that I was making dinner on the Monday and I wanted her here.

Tuesday I talked to my friends who were coming for dinner and they said “let him have Wee for the whole weekend if he wants; we’ll take you out for dinner.”.

Texted him and explained that he can keep Wee till Monday night as long as he has all days off work and will be with her for the entire holiday.  He said he did.  He said he appreciated it.  Done.

Last night it came up  that he was working for 3 hours on Saturday.  Complain complain complain “Now I have to get her up and get her ready and take her to my parents so I can work”.  I asked for her to stay home with me so that I can have some time with her during the long weekend instead of going to her grandparents.  I said that I’d like some time with her too.  I clarified that Wee will indeed be seeing them this Thanksgiving weekend so they are not missing out on seeing her.

He called me names.  I said I would like some time with her too.  I pointed out it was only going to be three hours.  He got mad.  I ignored.  He finally calmed down and agreed to pick her up on Saturday when he was done work.

And now this….

Can I get no peace?  Can I do nothing right?  Gezuz eff…  Can’t he choke on something?  A turkey bone…  A spit ball…  some mashed potatoes???

Can’t he just up and eff off???

All Stressed Out And Feeling Short Changed…..

Man oh man….  really… it just does not stop.  He just does not know when to stop.

The good thing is though, I have learned a lesson…  a very valuable lesson over the last year; being nice all of the time and saying yes to his every whim will not get this finished.  It will not get me ‘ahead’.  It will not bring us any closer to the end of this mess.  The only thing that can and will do that is him.

Being nice won’t do it.

Carefully choosing words will not do it.

Editing my every conversation with him won’t do it.

Jumping to his every whim won’t do it.

Only he can do it.  He has to stop, think, and man up in order for us to even be able to think about reaching a settlement.  He has to do it.  Not me.  I’ve manned up enough.  And all of my manning up has gotten us no where.

Things will not settle until he wants them to settle; until he allows them to settle; until he grows up and realizes that HE is the one dragging this on.

And I told him as much tonight when he started in with his blahblahblah “you did to me; you took from me; you did this; you did that…..”  blahblahblahblahblah.  I reminded him that there were 3; yes friends, that’s right, THREE sets of notes that all said the same thing; that all said that HE AGREED so I took nothing.  I reminded him that HE was the one that called the police because he didn’t want me to leave the house with the baby.  I then reminded him of a few of his actions over the 8 weeks when I only got to see my daughter for 7 days and 2 hours because that is what HE decided was right.  I then took a moment to remind him that I have played more than fair and it’s time for him to man up and do the same.

Well, didn’t he jump all over my words with an “oh yeah well my parents are hiring a lawyer and are going to sue for access”.

Literally…  I literally wrote “LMAO” and hit send.  I then told him he had best be doing his homework and reading the Family Law precedents a little better; this was me putting on a brave face.  Inside I was like WTFHOLYHELLREALLYSHIT and desperately looking up case law, precedents, and texting other friends “CAN THIS HAPPEN???!!!??”.

But, while my insides were screaming with fear, I stayed calm… and I told him with my brave face on that he needs to remember the sequence of events.  He REFUSED to sign the agreement we had come up with.  He did not refuse to sign right away and try to negotiate; no.  He stayed silent until 3 days before we were due to go to trial then he refused.  So he burned 3 weeks when we could have been trying to settle this and instead, stayed silent, like they always do.  I then went on to remind him that, even now, now that the trial has been put off to January, he is still silent.  His side is still silent.  There has been no negotiating, there has been no talking, there has been nothing.  Nothing more than silence and texts threatening to let a Judge decide our fate.  I then threw in for good measure “Nice.  Great way to put Kamara first; spend her money on a useless proceeding when you could just man up and negotiate.”.

The silence since then has been delightful…

Really, what can he say to that?  Not a lot… because every word of it is true…  every word and he damn well knows it.

So you, YOU, really want to take this to court..  Fine..  go…  Your parents want to join in and spend more money…  Fine… Go ahead…  I can’t stop you.

But I can damn well stonewall and speak the truth with the best of them.

Now on to the rest of my week; now that THAT is out of my system and my bitch pants are crawling back into their storage space until they need to come out again…

Things are going well.  Work is picking up; I’m getting longer files to work on; I’m happy with the work and I’m enjoying the work…  YAY!!!

Other than that, not a lot is new.  I’m still thinking a move is on the horizon.  I’m still wanting to get us into something better than where we are now; but I dare not do that until I know exactly what is going on legally; I may need every penny I can scrape together!

I must say that, emotionally though, I am feeling a bit short changed.  I’m sure we’ve all felt that way in life at points.  You feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting; you feel like you’re giving up more than your share; you feel like you’re talking and no one (other than my dog Stewie!!) is listening.

Thankfully, at times like this, I do have my dog Stewie….  Thankfully, at times like this, I do have my blog, this outlet for my thoughts and feelings….  Thankfully, when I’m feeling really really down and really really short changed, I just have to look in my phone and find someone… anyone…  that shares some of the same interests I do.

I just have to keep reminding myself; I have more friends than I think I do…  I just have to reach out and ask for their time.

They’ll be happy to give it.