Just One Of Those….

Yes folks, it’s just ONE OF THOSE weeks….  Some ups…  some downs…  the ups are… well; they’re ups…  the downs… well; they seem to be monumental…

And because of the monumental downs, the weight of being a single mom to a toddler who is trying to stretch her wings and learn to fly…  well… it’s just enormous…  It’s just very heavy…  especially today.

Don’t get me wrong…  I love her…  Oh do I love my Wee…  I’d die for her if you asked me to; without a second thought…  I’d do it…  for her.

But man…  it would be so nice to not have to think about meals or snacks or fun or colours or art or playdoh or little people or mega blocks or zoobles or stuffed animals or jammies or slippers or chalk or…  well hell… any of it…  Just for a while…

I know she’s in daycare full time…  I know…  but that hasn’t lightened the load…  630am alarm goes of…  get up…  get my wits…  get the dog out and moving.. then start poking the bear that is the baby….  Have her up and deciding on breakfast by 7….  730..  march upstairs…  choose clothes…  hair teeth chapstick….  go… now… choose shoes baby…  830 daycare drop.  Come home…  breath…  gather garbage, quick tidy, throw food and water at the pets, walk Stewie…  come home… coffee on…  boot computer…  working by 10am….  Work till 5…  pick Wee up…  debate dinner… talk about our day…  630 bath…  downstairs after… movie and snuggles…  then bed…  Clean the house… do the dishes…  have a shower…  fall in bed around 11.  Do it all again the next day.

Lord am I tired….

Tonight I can’t help but think…  I never wanted to be here…  I never wanted to be a single mom… Sure, I’m doing it… and doing it pretty well.  I slip sometimes…  Hell, sometimes I right fall flat on my face and Wee and I end up having an argument and crying and mad and yelling and….  But I am doing it…

You have to give me an A for effort…  I am doing it…

That doesn’t mean I WANTED to be here…  doing it…

It just means I took the time to make the tough choices in life and do what I felt was best….

And now…  Well…  Now…  I just get to do it….

One day at a time….

The best I can…

And try to laugh after I fall flat on my face and fail and Wee and I end up fighting….

And hope she forgives my failures…

And sees my strengths…

And understands….

That I’m just doing it….

For her.

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Sigggghhhhhh…..

It’s a Friday.

Christmas is creeping closer and closer…..

It’s a Friday….

And I just no desire to do ANYTHING.

Work is being a bit of a jerk right now since I just gave notice that in approximately 2 weeks I will be leaving them and I will be going to a new company.

Meh.  I can’t seem to care.

I miss my daughter….  Miss her dearly…  I can’t wait for our weekend full of fun; whatever that may happen to be.  I know we’re going to see Uncle Rob, Aunt Nikki, and the boys… and I know she’s super pumped about that….  Other than that, I have no idea what we will do; but I know it will be fun.

I know we’ll laugh.  I know we’ll play.  I know we’ll smile…

And  I know Monday will come and this will be her first 5 day week at daycare.

I know I won’t have work to keep me busy and keep my mind off her absence because  well, work is being a bit of a jerk right now.  Maybe by Monday they’ll sort their shit out and get over themselves; WTF did they expect me to do?  I haven’t been able to put in my hours in a week…  A WEEK!!!  And they don’t care…  so I might as well jump ship.

I think I’ve done enough for them for free.  I think I’ve put up with their crap and stressed about their shit long enough thankyouverymuch.  They definitely did not pay me enough for all of the stress lately.

As for today and the rest of it; I think I may curl up with my dog…  drink some tea, read a book… and be a sloth…

This weekend…  HELLO FUN!!!

Next week…  I think I’m still going to hit hospitals and clinics with my resume…  I think a few days spent in London handing out resumes to walk in clinics might be in order…  Maybe I’ll hit some specialists here in town…  Oh frig, scratch that… I want OUT OF THIS TOWN…  But I may apply to the hospital….

Resumes will be moving though…  Because, while I do have a ‘new job’…  it’s just that… it’s a job…  I hope the treatment is better than what I was getting where I was…  the pay; it’s about equal to where I was…  which; meh, it was extra in the bank…  But the treatment… the treatment of the people; the underpaid workers; it NEEDS to be more acceptable….

But I want a career… not just a job…  So, I’ll keep hitting hospitals… keep applying…  keep looking…  and, hope to find something that pays very well…

If the pay is great, I’ll just do what Wee does if something negative is going on…  something I want no part of…  I’ll put my headset on…  pat my ears… and say “Can’t hear you!!!”.

Yes folks, she actually does that.  She has a pair of the sound deadening headphones and, when she doesn’t like what I’m saying, she puts them on, pats her ears, and says “Mommy, I can’t hear you!” and proceeds to sit down and ‘ignore me’….

She’s a smart ass already… and she’s only 3…   *sigh*…

I’m in so much trouble in a few more years.

I’m On A Roll…

This weeks seems to be the week of Ranting and Giving People A Piece Of My Mind.  Sometimes, I don’t mind those weeks… it’s actually kind of refreshing to tell people exactly what you think and why.  Other times it’s like “seriously, this is grade school logic.  Use your brain and shut your mouth.”…..

This week is a mix of the two…  The Piece Of My Mind that I dished out earlier in the week… that was refreshing….  This blog is going to be a mix of refreshing and “When was the last time you REALLY used your brain before you actually opened your mouth (or hit send)??”

To those I offend…  If I offend…  I’m not sorry.  I probably meant to.

To those I mention; I mention you by name for a reason; because you have deeply impacted my life, the life of my Wee… and continue to do so in some small or large way daily.

To those I piss off…  I meant to so, I’m not going to apologize for what I meant to do.

And to those who didn’t make this post…  If you’re offended by that, take it up with the complaints department.  If you’re not, thanks for understanding that, to mention EVERYONE who I hold near and dear on some level will take me a decade of free time; time which I don’t have a lot of.

Now…  Let us begin; shall we?

To my absolute nearest and dearest:  Christy, Dave, Samantha, Rob, Nikki, Alex, Ryan, John, Greg, Jess, Kristin and her family, Liz and her family and loved ones, Tina, Mackenzie, Melissa and Libby, Angela and her family, Jessica and Jay….

Thank you.  Thank you for being there for me…  Living in my phone…  propping me up when things are (still) tough…  Giving me tips, pointers, ideas…  Fixing stuff I break…  Helping me get “new to me and Wee” stuff…  Being there when the SOS MAYDAY goes out…  Offering help…  Offering an ear…  Offering a shoulder….  Offering a smile… Sharing a laugh (Which are thankfully getting more frequent as time passes)…

Thank you.

I don’t see you as much as I would like to, and for that I feel bad.  But, I think everyone on that list understands that time is an enemy of late.  It seems weeks can go by in a blink and, before you know it, it’s been months since you’ve seen your best girl friend who lives just up the road; and more months since you’ve seen your best guy friend who lives a 20 minute drive away.

The fact that our visits (with all of you) are so infrequent pains me but, I think we all understand that time is short…  with lessons, and work, and school, and kids, and classes, and friends, and family and…  Well, you get the idea…  Life gets in the way.

And I thank all of the above people for understanding that, when my body breaks down and needs a break, why my daughter just wants to sit at home and have a snuggle with mommy day, or when I just want to take my 48 hours of peace and quite and do nothing more than shuffle around in my jammies drinking coffee, all of those things take priority…  INCLUDING the selfish jammie days…

Thank you for understanding that and for not harping on me about ‘promised to call’ or ‘I haven’t seen you’ or ‘well it’s your Wee free weekend’.

Damn right it is… and if I want to turn off my god damned phone, turn on my TV, brew a pot of tea, and ignore the whole eff’n world for a while, that is MY RIGHT.

SO GET OFF MY BACK.

Next Topic.

When I am down about things…  I am down for a damn good reason.  This past week, my car was broke, Subsidy was going to cancel what money they give me, I got told by work that not only am I taking a pay cut (as is everyone on my contract) but also I had to get someone to take care of Wee so that I could take training (unpaid for) outside of my work hours.  Top that off with every other little thing that can go wrong:  Puking cats, snotty baby, salesmen knocking at my door at 7pm…  the list is endless.  YES, I FELT LIKE IT WAS THE END OF THE WORLD.  YES I CRIED.  YES I SAT ON MY PITY POT FOR A BIT.  And yes, I reached out to anyone who I thought could help/listen/lend a shoulder.

The LAST thing anyone in my shoes; having been where I’ve been over the last year an a half, having worked as hard as I have over the last year and a half to get us to where we are now; NEEDS to hear is “WORK HARDER”….  “Be patient…”…  “Things take time”…  “You can’t expect everything handed to you”…  Or the ever popular “Life sucks sometimes; suck it up”…

Yeah…  Ummm..  DO YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW ALL OF THOSE THINGS?????  Why do you think I run on about 4 hours of sleep a night?  The rest of it… working harder… pushing harder… trying to work for what I need.  Why do you think I pushed so hard to finish school and get a job and am now looking for something ‘better’….  Because I god damned well know how hard life is… and I don’t expect anything to be handed to me….  Things take time…  Oh lord, let us not even go there…  Life sucks sometimes suck it up???  WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TO???  I happen to know ALL ABOUT life sucking and the true levels in which it can utterly blow…

So, as a note to anyone who is reading this right now…  if this is the advice you are going to spout whenever my life turns to shit…  please back away quietly now and stop talking to me.

I guess the long and the short of this particular post is this:

I have amazing friends… and amazing ‘family’…  amazing people…  and I am very lucky…  very very lucky…

But in with those amazing people are some sour grapes…  those who just can’t seem to understand…  Those who seem to NOT care… that once in a while… I damn well deserve to be selfish with my time…  because I really only get a few rare occasions to do that.

And once in a while, I don’t need your ‘chin up soldier tomorrow is another day’ advice…  That advice is actually the LAST thing I need…  Sometimes I need no advice at all…  Just an ear…  just a shoulder…  and telling me that life isn’t always pretty or that I need to be patient… well, that’s not helping anything…  Uttering those words, you might as well just strap a steak to your ass and run through a lion’s den; because I can get just as angry and just as vicious… and my words can cause just as much pain.

To my very valued friends…  I wish time were more plentiful…  I wish I had more time…  I wish we all had more time…

Time though, passes in a blink…  Do remember to be selfish with your time once in a while… take some you time…  I’m trying to learn how to do it… With the support and understanding of my very valued friends.

Wait And See….

Sometimes that really is all you can do with life and the issues and problems that arise during it…  Wait and see…

Other times you have to claw and fight and struggle against (what feels like) insurmountable odds just to get your voice heard to HOPEFULLY come to some form of resolution that doesn’t leave you curled up in a ball in the corner bawling like a 3 year old who just dropped her ice cream.

This week has been a week full of both types of problems.  The wait, watch, and see… and the claw and scratch your way to the top and shout out…  only to feel like you’re the only one listening to your cries…

Thankfully, many of the problems have started to sort themselves out…  THANKFULLY…

It all started… if I recall correctly…  almost a week and a half ago…  BIG mess..  HUGE mess… A mess of mass proportions…  We’ll shorten the story by saying that now Wee and I say the car is sick and crying…  And it is… Literally.  But I keep it limping along.

Then news from Wee’s Daycare…  We have a full time 5 day a week spot for you!!!  Do you want it???   Call to Subsidy because, well, we all know that I’m broke…  so thankfully Subsidy has been helping out with a portion of Wee’s daycare expenses… otherwise she wouldn’t be able to go… and I wouldn’t be able to work…  Vicious circle…  That call though, did not go well..  *sigh*….

Then calls going out to try to get a handle on the car issue…  What are my options?  What is affordable??  What can I afford?  What are the repercussions?  Where do I turn?

The trying to get hold of my Lawyer with a ‘Please tell me what the hell is going on?  It’s been a very long time since I’ve heard from you’….  And then that turned into feeling like I was chasing my tail….

Well, then things started to happen…  I found one of those 100 percent approval places that would get me into a good car “cheap”…  I felt that was my only option…  Unfortunately my beacon score has taken a kick with the separation…  and only being on the job for 3 months… a bank wouldn’t touch me…  So I went in to talk to those nice (yet very pushy… and we all know how well I handle PUSHY) people.  Three hours later I thought I had a deal I could live with but…  something wasn’t sitting right… it was like a bad slice of pizza in my gut…

Thankfully, on the way out… fate intervened…

A friend saw me leaving, asked what I was doing… and spoke to his boss on my behalf after getting my OK to pull my credit report (Which isn’t nearly as bad as I was being told it was thankyouverymuch).

Today…  today, things started to roll…

I dropped MORE paperwork off to Daycare Subsidy after telling the Daycare facility “I don’t care if they’re paying.. I need 5 days a week. I will find a way to make it work.  The spot is mine!”.

An hour later a call from them:  “Please dumb it down and give it to me straight.  What do you do?  How does it work?  How does the pay work?…..” and about a million other questions.  During the conversation I found out 2 things…
      1. Just because you are in charge of the finances for multiple Daycares and multiple children, does not mean you know how to do simple math.
      2.  Most people will NEVER understand my job or how I work.
Half an hour later she told me she would call me back tonight or tomorrow with an answer. Cool.

I emailed the other company (New to me car be damned… if my gut says don’t do it… don’t do it!!!) and cancelled the deal…

Then my friend emailed me…  His boss was willing to work with me and had a BANK that would work with me…  Short term.. High payment at first… but it’s a good car… not exactly what I wanted… but it’s a start…

I then swallowed my pride and the lump in my throat and called my Lawyer’s office…  laid out my whole sad week… and asked for answers…  Long story short is that yes, she has allowed my file to go stagnant… She likes the deal I have now and wants me to ride it out as long as possible…  No, she does not know if we are still on the January Trial List and she doesn’t care.  If we aren’t, SHE is not going to put us back on there. …  If we do have to go to Trial, do not worry, she will get paid, it just won’t be out of my pocket so, go ahead and get the car that I need to for me and Wee.  Live my life… She’ll call when she needs me.   Yes she is still my lawyer.

Our hope is that NOTHING moves until July of next year and, some of you know what that date is… And THAT my friends will be a FUNNY date….  *insert evil laugh*

Then, off to work for me…

Then a call….  at 4:15.  Daycare Subsidy.  APPROVED.  YES…!!!!

Go get Wee…

Phone beeps over dinner…  Check… email from my car friend’s boss…  HOLYWHAAA???  “What do you think about this car… I know the other one wasn’t exactly what you wanted but… what about this one…”…  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hope to seal the deal tomorrow after I talk to my insurance company….

So…  things did take a turn… a turn for the better….  And a lot of things got sorted out…  some with a lot of fighting…  and others, all I had to do was wait, watch, and see….

Now I just have to pray for someone….  Maybe he’ll choke on a chicken bone or slip and fall in the shower.

And meet my Prince Charming….

Leprechauns, Falling Stars, Four Leaf Clovers….

Right now… right at this moment…  I’m torn…  I’m tossing between absolute exhaustion, absolute frustration, absolute devastation, and a hate and disgust so absolute that it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

And, for once, he didn’t need to DO anything to bring all of this about…  He just had to be a waste of space member of this planet.

OK, I’ll back it up…  try to make some sense… while the tears fall and the air feels like it’s so thick I can’t catch my breath….

There is a house…  It’s a perfect house…  Everyone thinks so…  2 bedrooms…  yard…  partially finished basement…  single floor…  small, cute, perfect…..

Cheap…  The people who own it know of me through a friend of mine…  And they’re willing to give it to me and Wee for a song.  It has served them well… it is now time for them to move on to bigger and better…  and time for it to bring someone else a fresh start.

Well, because of the new mortgage rules and regulations…  I can’t qualify for this on my own.  My beacon score is good… but not good enough (everyone I speak to is surprised that my credit has made it through this as intact as it is…)…  Less than one year on a self employed job…  And only a temporary court order.

I don’t qualify.

I’ve been begging a few friends…  “Please please please…  cosign for me”…  The one person that would can’t though because then it will affect him when it comes time to get the mortgage for his condo when the construction is done on that.

So… here I sit…  Living in subsidized housing…  throwing my money away on a rental… and the hydro bills that are about to increase exponentially because of thankyouverymuch baseboard heating….  bawling because nothing is easy and I’m tired of bleeding and crying and…  I feel like I’m dying inside….

He has it all..  The house…  Owns it…  And I get nothing.

He has it all…  Any car he wants on the lot… and my car is held together with a hope and a prayer.

He has it all…  New clothes…  and hell are they NICE clothes…  And, well, we all know what I have.

God damn it…  I just need a break…

Just a break.

I guess it’s true….. More true than I ever knew…

Not everyone is meant to get a happily ever after…  No matter how hard you work; no matter how much you bleed; no matter how hard you try…  Sometimes…  Happily Ever After just isn’t yours to have.

It’s 1:08 AM….

And I am wide awake.

I am debating the flaws of the Welfare System with Dan….  Thanks for the conversation Dan… it’s gotten my mind off things….

I am thinking about logic and reason…

I am thinking about how empty and quiet my house is right now….

And I hate it.  I hate the empty.  I hate the quiet.

I know I could get out of here… I know I could send a mass text off and half a dozen people would turn on their porch lights and unlock their doors….

But I should stay home…

I have to get used to this…  This silence… This quiet…  This feeling of…  Empty.

Some weekends are easy…  Some weekends are necessary…  Some weekends are a blessing….

And other weekends…  Weekends like this one…  They take me back…  back to that 8 weeks without my baby in my world…  And I can’t help but hurt…  Help but cry…  Help but feel every hour that she is gone.

People don’t understand it…  People can hear it but…  they don’t understand it…  “She’ll be back in a few days.  Relax… have fun.”…

Yeah.  Sure.  Fun.  While my heart breaks all over again.

Fun.

I’m told it’s another level to my already prevalent PTSD…  the beast that runs my life some days and leaves me in peace others…  Another horrible incident for  that beast to feed on; to grow fat on.

One day…  maybe one day…  maybe one weekend…  Maybe… I can enjoy the weekends when she is gone…  Maybe.

Until then, some weekends will be great…  and others will feel like I’ve hit rock bottom again….

And all I’ll be able to do is sing myself a lullaby…  and pray that the time passes quickly.