Reading And Rereading…..

I find myself every few days rereading and remembering Darwin’s delivery to Wee….  

I tried to make it special.  I tried to impress upon her WHY she was getting such a fabulous gift.  I tried to make it a moment to remember.  

On some levels I failed.  On other levels I succeeded though.  

What I did was a wrote a letter from Santa to Wee.  I then showed up at her daycare; Darwin and letter in tow.  Unfortunately she was napping when I arrived; that’s where the fail comes in.  But her little eyes did so light up when she saw him still.  And then I sat with the two of them on my lap and I read the letter from Santa.  I know the letter means something to her because she asks me to read it to her every few days.  So that was a success.  

For those who haven’t seen the letter; here it is:  

My Dearest Special Friend 

I did so want to be able to make this visit to you personally but, I am very busy getting ready to make my trip around the world to deliver gifts to all of the boys and girls.  I do hope you understand.
I have trusted your Mommy to pass this message to you though.
Your Mommy and I have talked quite a lot.  She tells me that you are an amazing little girl with a great big heart; that you have been very brave and very strong through all of the changes you have been through lately; and that most of all, you have been a great big help to her.
She tells me that you are a very special little girl; and that you mean the world to her.
I have heard your wishes for a “new James” to love and to care for. 
I have heard your Mommy speak about how amazing you are, how brave you are, how kind you are. 
I have watched you be kind and generous.  I have watched you share, I have watched you give, I have watched you grow and learn.
Above all else, I have watched your smile light up every room that you enter; and watched that same smile warm your Mommy’s heart.
I cannot promise that easier times are around the corner my Dearest; but I can promise that, if you and your Mommy continue to work together, you will get through anything.
Now like I said, I did want to see you in person, deliver this message, and this gift, but time became short for me.  I didn’t want to bring him on my trip around the world; I was afraid that he would get cold.  So, I brought him here, to your Mommy, with this message:
Continue to be kind, continue to be strong, continue to be brave, and stand tall with your Mommy; together you will make it through anything.
Your Mommy loves you more than you can imagine; and looks up to you.  You have shown her so much about living my Dear. You have taught your Mommy how to smile and what love is.
Please have a Merry Christmas my Dear.  And remember; there are many people who love you.
Love

Santa


I have to tell you; while she was perched on my lap with her Darwin, listening to her letter from Santa, petting his little head and holding his little hand, there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.  Not even mine.

This letter to her, the letter that I wrote, it is so full of honesty….  So full of the truth.  My three year old has taught me more about life, love, and happiness than I could have ever learned. 

She is my rock. 

I admire her.  I admire her strength, her ability to give, her ability to receive, her ability to love unconditionally.

I hope that in this year to come; this year that will be full of more trials; that she will still be able to smile freely, laugh often, dance always, and love like it will never hurt.

I hope that all of the mistakes I make raising her will not leave their mark.  I hope that she can forgive the mistakes that I do make; large and small.

I hope that she will continue to be brave and be strong.

I hope that she will continue to be my guiding light; my beacon in the dark; my sun.

That is my wish….  My wish for her; my wish for us; for the coming New Year.


Advertisements

Of All Of The Idiotic Things….

Of all of the stupid things the darkside has done; I think tonight took the cake.

He had the NERVE to stand in MY HOUSE and YELL at me about what is ‘fair’ IN FRONT OF MY WEE.

MY HOUSE.  MINE.

YELL AT ME!!!

IN FRONT OF MY WEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About fair…  mmmmhmmmm…  how about we take a ‘fair’ refresher course you friggen asshat.

So, because he seems to think that it is polite to yell at me in my home; that I allow him to just walk into to limit the amount of running to the door that I do on a daily basis….  and to hopefully make things a bit less stressful for Wee…  well, he is no longer allowed in my house.  Ever Again.

And because he did not sign the Separation Agreement that we had sat down with our lawyers and come up with together in the fall, well,we’re back to relying on the original Court Order.

And, because he is such an immature child and can not go to his work and say “I have to have every other weekend off; Saturday and Sunday”, I guess some of his weekends are shorter than he’d like them to be.

But somehow, that is all my fault…

Sure…  Okay…  *eyeroll*….

So, I got to ‘listen’ (via text) to him bluster on and on and on about how unfair I was being… about how I’m being vindictive and petty….  and about the Motions he is going to file with the Courts; once his lawyer is back from holidays.

*eyeroll* GIVEMEABREAK will you???  Use your BRAIN…..

I am being fair.  You get to see Wee when YOU HAVE THE TIME OFF WORK.

Vindictive and petty???  Ummm  hmmm…  by…  saying no… you may not have your parents babysit while you are at work and instead Wee will stay home with me until you are done…  Ummm…  Okay… sure…  That’s exactly what I’m doing; being vindictive and petty….  mmmmhmmmm….

And then lets please talk about the Motions that he is going to file…  what will that say… what WILL that look like…….  hmmmmm….

“Your Honour, my ex spouse is happy to allow me access every other weekend when I have the time off work.  But I want more…  I want to be able to pick up the child every other weekend and have the baby spend half of her time being babysat.  Oh, and by the way your Honour, we did have a Separation Agreement drawn up at one point, that I had full input on… that gave me the very rights I am now asking you to give to me….  that I refused to sign.”

I would laugh that paper of my desk…

But that’s just me.

Back to praying….

Why can’t he hurry up and choke?

No wonder I’m single…  No one wants to put up with his crap every 4 to 6 weeks……

The Day After….

Tis the day after Christmas…  Boxing Day they say…. And my mind is so full…  Full of things I need to say…..

*sigh*….

But sometimes, yes sometimes, you just can’t find the words….  the words to say what you want to say…

And my advice to anyone struggling to find the words is this…. If you can’t find the words… then perhaps the words are not meant to be said….  perhaps the thoughts should stay quiet and you should say nothing at all.

Sometimes words are not meant to be said AT THAT TIME… Other times, words should not be said AT ALL…  It’s important to know the difference.

Words that should not be said AT THAT TIME can alter and change everything; take what is comfortable and easy and turn it into a stressful mass of turmoil and hurt.

Worlds that should not be said AT ALL can alter life completely.  They can throw you and your life onto a path that you never imagined travelling; one that you should not be travelling.  They can cause irreparable damage to relationships both personal and professional, the way people view and treat you, even the way the world works.

It’s important to know the difference.

While I do believe it is important to tell everyone how you feel; to be very transparent with your thoughts, feelings, and emotions; I do also firmly believe that it is very important to not speak out of turn, and to not speak before the thought is meant to be shared….  Very important.

A premature thought can change everything….

How do you know when the ‘right time’ is to share your thoughts and feelings…???  The ideas bouncing around in your head???

Well, I guess the answer to that is simple….  yet so complex that I even mess it up occasionally:

Watch for the cues that will tell you when people are ready to hear your thoughts.  Wait patiently for the right time.  When you think the right time is here, take a breath and wait just a little longer…  and above all else, if you can’t find the words… the thought is not ready…. stay silent.

After all, no one really wants to alter the comfortable and turn it into something more stressful than it ever needed to be…..

It’s Here…. Then It’s Gone….

It always seems to sneak up… creep up… despite the fact that it is the SAME DAY every year… it still manages to sneak through the days and creep up and  take me by surprise.

This year was no different really; except for the fact that I knew I was going to go way overboard with the one gift for my little Wee….  I knew I was going to end up spending more than reasonable on her….  but I was okay with that; for this year…  because it was just ONE gift that I broke the bank on; and she does not ever need to know that I broke the bank on it.

All she needs to know is that she made a Christmas Wish; and that Wish came true.

I have never been one to go to excess.  I find it silly to break the bank for ONE day… for a bunch of things that will be played with or used once and then tossed aside.  Instead I chose to think long and hard about what it is that people enjoy and build from that; half a dozen small gifts that I know will be used and loved.  This year for Wee I chose the Play-Doh theme.  Give that girl a container of Play-Doh and she is happy as a clam for HOURS.

And then, well, then she made a Wish; a Christmas Wish.

Cue Darwin.

Cute as hell.  Loves her to bits.

And she loves him more than anything.

And then there were the gifts from friends and family; the gifts that they all bought her with the same love and attention that I chose for her Play-Doh theme for this year…  Everyone buying her things that they know she will love, cherish, play with, use, and adore.

There is not one single gift that will sit in a corner; that I can tell you with great certainty.

And then, of course, there were the gifts I received.  And again, they are all very appreciated and will be put to great use….  Some right now while I sit here and write this…  Thanks for the ‘Mommy Juice’ everyone… and the chocolates…  LOL….

And now, here I sit…. after a VERY busy few days.  My Wee is off for Christmas with her father. The laundry is getting done.  The dogs are curled up together.  The cats are… well, they’re being cats…

And I’m thinking….   Drinking wine….  and thinking….

Wondering….  wondering where we’ll be.  Wondering what is in store.  Wondering what this year will bring….

I hope it is as truly successful as this year.  Despite all of the turmoil, a lot has been accomplished by Wee and I over the last year.

In the last year we have:
Moved into our own place.
I have finished school.
We are constantly gaining new ‘new to us’ things that improve upon what we had.
I have started working; almost right out of school; and have changed companies once already.
I have come to peace with things and with just letting sleeping dogs lie for a while.
I have emotionally taken strides to ensure that I am as happy and healthy as I can be for my daughter.
Wee has started adapting to her new life.
Wee has adapted fabulously to any and all schedule changes I have thrown at her.
And a few other things….

All in all, really, it has been a big year for us…

So, I do have to wonder…  what will next year bring….?  What changes?  What growth?

What does the year have in store for us?

I do hope that, whatever it is, this next year is full of just as much excitement and love and fun and growth for Wee and I as the last year has been.

‘Tis The Season….

It truly is the Season….  The season for smiles and laughter and fun… The Season for everyone to just be a little bit nicer to everyone they see….  The Season of caring and sharing and giving and Family and Friends and Love.

And, for some very unfortunate Families in Connecticut, it is a time of great loss.

Loss like this should never happen to anyone around this time of the year; around this Season….

But, what’s worse, for most, it was the loss of one of the most innocent beings on the planet…  A child.

I saw the news headline pop up while I was working…  Instantly my heart stopped….  Instantly I thought “Thank god it isn’t here…”….; which I think, if every parent looks deep in their heart, they’ll know that the same words rang out…  Thank god it isn’t me having to lose a child at Christmas….  To violence so senseless it can never be understood….  Ever.

And then, instantly, as will happen sometimes, I thought about previous Christmas Seasons…  here and far away… the pain and grief and suffering that I would witness either due to an act of nature, and act of carelessness, or an act of pure evil…   And I thought again…  “Thank god she’s safe… I know she’s safe”….

But even knowing that she was safe and sound at Daycare didn’t stop me from logging out a little early…  going to the Daycare a little early…  Standing and watching her play and sing and dance…. and then, when she noticed me, hugging her just a little tighter and saying the words “Thank god….”….  and telling her a million times in the time it took for us to get her coat and walk to the car that I love her and I always will…

And I wasn’t the only parent that was there early….  And you could tell the ones who had been affected by the news story…  we all had that same glazed look on our faces… Like we were trying hard not to picture what it would be like to kiss your baby goodbye at 8 a.m. and then look in at a bed that will never be filled again by that same warm little body at 8 p.m.

The pain of that thought alone was tremendous.  I can’t imagine living with that pain.

I think every parent is subconsciously holding their children just a little tighter tonight….  on this night…  during this Season…  when this kind of pain should never touch anyone….

I don’t pray…  I won’t pray just for the sake of a bad day or a bad time…  and I won’t send prayers….  But I will send to everyone affected by today’s evil every thought that I have….  every wish that I have… that they can find peace during this time…  This time of sorrow and pain…

I will wish them peace during this Season… and hope that they can find something to smile about every day…..

Even as the tears roll… I hope they can find one smile.

The Mysteries Of Growth And Change….

I remember this time last year… our new place… our new space…

I remember how kind everyone was being with items that we could fill our space with.

I remember how kind everyone was being ensuring that there were gifts under the tree for not only Wee but also for me….

I remember a lot of fear, a lot of hope, a lot of uncertainty….

I remember a seemingly magical visit to Santa….

And I remember taking Wee shopping for a present for me; one that I could wrap, put her name on, and have her be all excited about when I opened it, because she would forget as quickly as it was wrapped what it was.

Oh how things change.

Things no longer seem hopeless or out of control.  Things seem to be much more certain on most days.  I am not relying on the kindness of strangers to make this Christmas everything it should be for Wee…..

Instead we’re proudly standing on our own two feet, making plans with family for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (thanks for involving us again Rob, Nikki, Alex, Ryan, Phyllis, and Gord!!!)…

Sure, money is still tight but, it’s not nearly as bad as it could be.  And, we’re making the best of what we have…  making the best of all of it… and having fun doing it!

And…  well…  my one concern right now is… the growth…

Not only has time changed… but so has my Wee.

It seems I can no longer innocently pull the wool over her innocent eyes….

Examples:

She had her school Christmas Party.  They had a Santa there.  She popped up on his knee and told him what she wants for Christmas “I want a new James, Santa.  James died, I want a new one to love.”.  Well, he was a tad confused and brushed her off with a politically correct “I’ll talk to your parents.”

Sunday, the Elgin Mall.  The good Santa.  I ask if she wants her picture taken with him.  Well of course that is a YES…  So off we go.  We get up there and he is talking to her.  He prompts her to ask for a toy.  She says “No, I don’t want toys.”.  He asks what she wants with a smile on his face and she replies “I told you already Santa.  I told you at my school.”.  I almost died…  he stuttered and stammered a bit.  I explained to her that he had some of her friends screaming in his ear that night, and didn’t hear what she wanted so she’ll have to tell him again.  She said “I told you Santa, I want a new James.  I told you.”.

Insert feeling horrible.  Yes friends, Bad Mommy.101.  I aced it.

Tonight at dinner; she at a HUGE meal; after eating a HUGE meal at school.  Well, then she asked for a treat.  I asked what she wanted.  She said Toblerone.  Okay sure, you can have a piece.  I give it to her, she gobbles it up and says “Mommy I’d like more”.  I try to explain that we don’t have more.  “Mommy, I know we have more, I can see it sitting right over there.  I’d like more please.”.

Parent fail number 2 in just over 24 hours.

When is it that my toddler became SO PERCEPTIVE.  WHEN???  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.

So I texted Rob; “I’m guessing I’m I’m screwed for helping her pick my gift from her and wrapping it, and then acting all surprised.”  He agrees… totally screwed… totally…

*Sigh*…..

It was always so easy when she was less perceptive.  I could buy her gifts with her in the cart.  I could buy my stuff, wrap it quickly, and she’d be surprised at what she had bought me.  I COULD SHOP WHILE SHE WAS AROUND….

Now, it seems, those days have come to and end…..

Mackenzie, I hope your social calendar allows for Mommy Shopping Sprees….

I Can’t Believe….

Another weekend has come and gone…  Wee free…  but it was so busy and so restful and so full of laughs that if flew by…  Literally flew…

I was gluttonously lazy…

I sinfully thought about me….

I laughed…

I relaxed…

I stayed up too late…

And I laughed more…

And I felt happy…  truly happy and relaxed… for the first time in a long time…

And when I crawled out of bed this morning after a few hours of sleep…  I still felt happy.

While I cleaned the house, did the laundry, made the beds, did the grocery shopping…  I still felt happy…

Sitting here now…  sorting music and files and really just being sinfully lazy while drinking coffee… I still can’t help but smile…  and feel happy.

I hope that this happiness continues….

I hope that, perhaps, this might be the beginning of great things for me…  FOR ME…

Yes of course I hope for great things for me and Wee…  but I also have found that I have to take a moment to hope for great things just for ME….

Selfish…  Hells yes.  Necessary…  You bet your ass.

She is my world…  My little Wee… but my world is nothing without a happy me in it…  So, it’s time that I start being just a bit more selfish…  and start thinking about me…

And that started with a Date Night with my Sister Christy…  and then was followed up with coffee and laughs and silly movies and great company till 5 a.m…..

And I’m still smiling…  still happy…  Tired as hell…  but happy.

And that my friends is NOT a crime.