One More Try….

After the day I’ve had; after the news I’ve received…  I finally got Wee to bed….  And the tears really started to fall.  Yes, I’ve been a bawling, sniveling mess for hours… but that was nothing.  These tears; add em up…  Yes, I’m floating in another ocean of pain, loneliness  and fear.

I turned on the radio; music to do the dishes by.  The song that was on…  Nickelback ~ Lullaby.

Fitting.

So Just Give It One More Try….

Okay, great advice.  But let me ask you; how many more tries do I have to give everything before ‘one more try’ runs out?

I’m tired of fighting a battle that I obviously can’t win.  I’m tired of finding out that everything I’ve ever done can be used against me at the drop of a hat.

I’m now on the verge of losing all of the ground that I thought I had gained; everything that I thought I had gained that proved that yes, we can be independent.  I’m on the edge of losing it all.

I”m also finding out that; well, really, there’s no point in going back to school and upgrading and receiving further certifications to take my chosen career elsewhere.  Even if I do spectacularly in those courses and pass with amazing grades; I can’t get the clearance to get the jobs….

And why?  Because he didn’t want me to leave the house with the baby… so he called the cops.

Yeah, sure, I slapped him…  but if you ask him and he’s HONEST with you when he answers, that’s not why he called.  He just happened to be able to use that as a reason.

And now; I can’t get clearance.

So, tell me again…  how many more tries add up to one more try?  Cause damn it, I’ve been one more trying it for two god damned years.

How many more tries equal one more try?

Life, Death, And Everything In Between…..

It’s been a while….  quite a while actually…  Time seems to be slipping through my fingers since making the successful switch to living the majority of my life after sundown.  Yes folks, I am part of the minority that can successfully live on a flipped around schedule, work nights and sleep days; and make it work WELL while raising my daughter.

Thankfully, the dogs have taken to the switch very well too.

And, Wee doesn’t seem to mind it too awful much.  Once in a while she’ll call out for me but, when I hear her singsong voice over the monitor, work stops until I get her settled again and content in the knowledge that all she has to do is call and I am there.

But, during the few weeks that I’ve been neglecting my Blog, much has happened; many life events….  And, unfortunately much death.

This year seems to be the year when death is everywhere for me; whether it be someone I hold near and dear, or someone that someone in my circle of friends holds near and dear….  It seems I can’t go too long without hearing about another death, or impending death.

It’s frightening.  It has actually left me shaken a few times; able to do little more than hold my head and wonder ‘who next’?

The most shaking for me was; well; let’s just leave it at ‘And Now There Are Two’.  Two of us left…  Two of four…

It makes me wonder, it makes me think; does PTSD take everyone eventually well before their time?  As much as we try to protect ourselves and arm ourselves, does it always win?

Well, I have some news for that particular demon:  If you think you’re winning here; you’re wrong; so VERY VERY wrong.  Go knock on another door.

And, while there has been much death, there have also been the day to day life events; most play out in the background, pass with hardly a nod of acknowledgement; but, again, some grab you and shake you, force you to start planning, start working, start preparing for the worst.

One of these events is that, the government, in its wisdom, is shutting down the particular branch of mental health care in my current town until renovations at the hospital are complete.  Well, where does that leave all of us that rely on those specialized counselors to help us through our day-to-day when needed?  Umm, well, to put it quite simply; out to dry.

And it’s not just people like me with PTSD, of which there are a surprising number of that access services in this town; but also people with varying other chronic conditions that require a rock to lean on occasionally:  Eating disorders, panic disorders, disorders that cripple some people to the point where day-to-day function can, at times, be nothing more than a challenge that feels insurmountable.

We’ve all had our specialists taken away; or will as of March; our rocks, our confidants; to return, perhaps, hopefully, sometime in the next year or so, in a new location, a new environment.  Perhaps.

Hm.

That knowledge itself rattled me; my rock, my Glenda…  gone…  going away…  Now what?  Thankfully Rob, when I told him, understood how shaken I felt by that news and has told me he is never more than a text away…

Thankfully I have great friends.

Two….

I realized today….  earlier today…  this is the second New Year that my blog has tracked…  The second New Year for my thoughts and feelings…  The second New Year of hoping for change, pushing for change, pushing for more….  pushing.

There have been ups….  There have been downs…  There have been friends come and friends go…..  There have been broken hearts, bottles of wine, bottles of beer on hot summer days….  spray paint adventures, creative ideas that went either oh so right or oh so WRONG….  Friendships have come and gone….  friendships have grown stronger….

There have been lessons, there have been hurdles, there have been trials….

There has been birth…  there has been death…

There has been teaching…  and there has been struggling….

But most of all, in with it all, there have been laughs… fun…  friends…  smiles…  and love….

Two….

Two times the calendar has flipped to a New Year….

I love everyone who has walked my journey with me….  all of those near and far…

I love everyone who is there to lend a hand, a shoulder, an ear….  a bit of advice…  a bit of guidance….

I love those of you who have been there to wipe the tears…  see us smile…  watch us grow and learn….

I love those who have celebrated with us…  Those who have cried with us…  Those who cherish us as much as we cherish them….

To all of you…  Thank you; from the bottom of my heart; thank you.

I hope that 2013 brings with it every happiness that we all deserve…  I hope that it brings with it more laughter and fewer tears…  More love and less heartache….  More gains and fewer losses…

I hope that every tear we cry is a tear of joy.

I hope that every song our heart sings is a song of hope.

I hope that every breeze carries good change.

I hope that every dance is a dance of true joy.

I hope the smiles are plentiful, the laughter is frequent, and the joy is never ending.

I hope that the troubles are few…  and when they do arrive, they bring with them good friends to help lighten the load.

And, the song for this year…..

This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted,
No silent prayer for the faith-departed.
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd,
Your’re gonna hear my voice 
When I shout it out loud.
It’s my life.
It’s now or never,
I ain’t gonna live forever,
I just want to live while I’m alive.
It’s my life.
My heart is like an open highway.
Like Frankie said
“I did it my way.”
I just want to live while I’m alive.
It’s my life.
This is for the ones who stood their ground.
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down.
Tomorrow’s getting harder make no mistake.
Luck ain’t even lucky,
Got to make your own breaks.

It’s my life.
It’s now or never,
I ain’t gonna live forever,
I just want to live while I’m alive.
It’s my life.
My heart is like an open highway.
Like Frankie said
“I did it my way.”
I just want to live while I’m alive.
It’s my life.
Better stand tall when they’re calling you out.
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby don’t back down.

It’s my life.
And it’s now or never,
‘Cause I ain’t gonna live forever,
I just want to live while I’m alive.
It’s my life.
My heart is like an open highway.
Like Frankie said
“I did it my way.”
I just want to live while I’m alive.
Cause it’s my life!
IT’S MY LIFE ~ Bon Jovi