Still Here….

Still Breathing…..

Still Living……

Still Pushing…..

Still Striving……

The dreams are subsiding.  The tears are not slowing.  I’m feeling a bit better.

A few more days….

One minute at a time.  One step at a time.  One breath at a time.

A few more days.

You wanted to fully know why?  I was in a relationship before I had met Laura.  That person had captured my heart and I had truly thought it was over and that she had moved on.  I was left with a lot of unanswered questions from that relationship.  I received a text, a code that she and I had setup for one another that if the other was truly ready to find those answers; we just had to let the other know.  That text jolted me to the core.  What I had thought was dead, no longer was.  What I had thought was lost, no longer was.  So I contacted my ex, and we began to talk.  I hate the timing of how it happened.  I also hate the way in which I ended things with Laura, but I felt as though I were given no choice.

I have since begun to see my ex-girlfriend again.  I have not forgotten Laura in any means……
  
I am so very deeply sorry for the way things played out.  It was NEVER my intention for things to happen this way.  I am not the kind of man who intentionally hurts anyone.  I feel horrible that anyone got hurt so very horrible.  I have cried many times over the pain I have caused her.  I know it means nothing; my tears are alligator tears compared to the pain Laura is feeling.  I am sorry I can do nothing for her.  I truly am.


You’re Not Sorry.
End Of Story.

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I Just Have To Say….

If it wasn’t for amazing people and amazing friends, I would not have made it through this weekend.

Thank you Rob for getting me started on things with the pharmacy when my head and I were falling apart.  Thank you for coming to me to set up my new phone after I lost my old one and couldn’t see past the end of my nose to set up my new one.  And thanks for noticing and caring about the physical and mental changes you’ve seen…

I promise to call you.

Thank you John M. for the drive last night… and the dinner… and the conversation…  and then for going out today to pick up the new to us TV… and helping to get the beastly thing down the stairs…  Thank you so very very much my friend…  I am definitely lucky to have you in my group….

Now, I just need to take a few days…  one breath at a time…  one step at a time….

Keep me in your thoughts okay?

Check in when you have time?  I’m gonna need a little bit of extra support over the next few days….

My Light Bulb Moment…

We’ve all had them…  

You’ve been puzzling over something for minutes, hours, days, maybe even weeks…  It’s been rolling around inside your head; maybe you’ve been losing sleep, or unable to concentrate on anything else…

You’ve been thinking on the fine details of the event or the problem…  so much so that it has almost taken on a life of its own…  it just keeps playing over and over in your mind…  everything from what you thought to how you felt to what you expected to how you would act and react…  Everything…  but it all takes on a life of its own… and the more you think about it, the more life you breathe into it…

And then…  suddenly…  usually without warning…  it’s like someone has turned on the light and everything that was murky before suddenly becomes clear; crystal clear.

I had my moment today….

Let me back up a bit.

I woke up this afternoon; well before my alarm.  I really was quite upset…  again…  All I could think was WHY?  WHAT DID I DO???

I kept thinking about how I felt on Valentine’s morning, waking up without a good morning text from him…  thinking, well maybe he’s trying to surprise me with something… maybe he’s trying to do something extra nice…  maybe he’s got some kind of romantic surprise in store for me…  That seemed plausible… that seemed like something that he would do…  It seemed like something that he (or the he that he presented to me) would do…

And then I got back into the WHY?  WHAT DID I DO???  WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE????   Blahblahblah…  All of the blahblahblah unanswered questions that roll around in your head after a breakup with no explanation; who, what, when, where, why, how….  You know them…  We ALL know them.

Well, I grabbed my phone and I started talking to Rob…  “Why can’t I get him out of my heart and my head?”

His response was very simple:  “I don’t know.  Seems it should be fairly easy to do as all that was good about him pales in comparison to his final actions.”

That actually gave me pause.  There are few people in the world who can actually make me stop and just think; Rob is one of them…  That’s likely why he is my dearest friend.  That is definitely why, when there is trouble brewing or I need advice; good sound advice, I turn to him first.  Not only do I know with one hundred percent certainty that he will listen and he will have great words… but I also know that he loves me and my Wee dearly and he won’t judge.  Despite those facts, I don’t know how he resists the urge to grab me once in a while and just shake the life out of me until whatever is loose falls back into place; but he hasn’t (yet)…  LOL…

The conversation went back and forth from there for a while and then my AhhHaa moment happened…

“Hm.  Perhaps I’m too focused on why….  Maybe that’s why he won’t get the hell out….  Why really doesn’t matter anymore in the grand scheme of things….  The why only really matters if you’re trying to prevent the breakup….  There was nothing for me to prevent.  He made all of the decisions before I knew there was a problem.”

Rob’s honest response:  “Yup.  You were not considered in his contemplation’s at all.”

And there it is…  My light bulb moment for the day…

You can’t expect the past to get out of your head and your heart if you’re still chewing on the details like a dog chews a bone.

After the fact, after all is said and done, the details DON’T MATTER; especially if you were never part of the decision making process in the first place.

And, if you’re not worth someone’s contemplation’s while making a decision that involves you, why the hell should they be worth even one moment of space in your brain while you worry over the details that DON’T MATTER.

Really, does it matter when his ex contacted him?  No.   Would it be nice to know…  meh.  Maybe…  but that knowledge may hurt more than not knowing.

Really, does it matter why he chose her over me?  No.  It doesn’t.  It was his choice to make..  He wants to gamble on her again; someone who has a proven track record of already hurting him and not being what he needs; meh.  That’s his gamble to take.  Personally it’s not one that I would take, but not everyone thinks the way that I do.

Does it really mater WHY he broke up with me the way he did; via text message on Valentine’s Day?  No, hell no, of course it doesn’t.  The only thing that his actions show is that well, he’s really not the stand up guy that he claims to be.  A stand up person at least has the courtesy to grow some balls and pick up the god damned phone.  But, after all of the public emotional statements and claims of love and happiness that he made, he should have grown a real set and knocked on my door to tell me that he was going back to the person who had wronged him once already because that is what his heart wanted him to do.

The only thing that really matters at this point in ANY of this is that he doesn’t want to be with me; he broke every promise he ever made to me; his words were nothing more than empty words…  his promises were only short term promises designed to be broken; and he didn’t respect me enough as a human being; a WORTHY human being; to man up, grow some balls, and break my heart properly.

So, now that I know that, he is not worth one more second in my head or my heart, because I wasn’t worth even a moment of his contemplation’s when he was making the decision to return to his ex…  I can honestly say with a great deal more conviction than I thought possible at this point… Fuck It.

It’s time to mop the stage…  mend the curtains…  and move on…

And take all of my lessons with me.

Yes, there will be a much larger wall around my heart because of all of this..  but perhaps one day I’ll find someone worthy of taking that wall down for; someone who is truly willing to spend the time on me; invest the time and the emotions on me…  Someone WORTH taking that wall down for.

Until then…  The walls stay up….

And a new chapter begins….

Without him in it.  *smile*…  Because WE are better than anyone who can not treat us the way we DESERVE to be treated.

I will not let anyone treat me or my daughter like less than the best.

An Odd Event….

Something odd occurred this evening… and no, I’m not talking about the fact that Darwin was totally terrified out of his little mind by Newton…  Something even more odd occurred…

I actually had to look up the lyrics for a song.

And it happened at the oddest moment too….

But then again, after last night, I guess it really wasn’t an odd moment….  It was at almost the most perfect moment in time that this particular song tried to struggle to the surface.

I was standing at the sink…  doing the dishes…  and I looked out my kitchen window…  and the song White Horse by Taylor Swift tried desperately to struggle to the surface of my mind…

More odd was the fact that on my iPod, the song Gotta Be Somebody  by Nickelback was playing…

Maybe that’s why Taylor’s song couldn’t make it to the forefront of my mind…  and could only struggle around calling out a line or two here and there…  Maybe I was remembering how much Nickelback’s song had spoke to me not that long ago…

At any rate, my elbows hit the counter, my head dropped forward, and I had myself one hell of a cry.  Everything is so conflicted right now; even what the music is saying or trying to say…  the songs I’m hearing versus the songs that are playing in my head…  It’s all so conflicted.

It’s amazing how quickly it went from something only seen on a silver screen to a true Hollywood horror….   And I was clueless while that was happening… and by the time it had happened, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it….

I guess I have to come to terms with that fact; there was so much going on behind the scenes of the movie; so much that I was not privy to; that there is no way I could have stopped it from happening.  There is nothing that I could have done to stop the Series of Unfortunate Events.  By the time I knew about it, it was too late to stop the events from unfolding as they did.

Perhaps if I had been privy to all of the information I could have helped to rewrite a different ending…  but I wasn’t…  so I couldn’t…

I’m sure there will be a few more days of senseless crying…  a few more days of gasping for air while it feels like my heart just isn’t beating properly….  a few more days of trying to keep everything grounded and sane so that everything doesn’t spiral out of control…

Hopefully thought, after a few more days, things will start to make more sense… I’ll have been able to grasp the fact that nothing was within my control; that I had no control; that the control was torn out of my hands at some point in time…  And that the events that followed were going to happen whether I wanted them to or not.

Perhaps then the music will start to make sense again….

Until then, I feel like I’m living in the middle of that Hollywood Horror…

And Sometimes You’re Left….

Sometimes things happen….  things happen to you or around you… and all you can do is stand back and wonder What The Hell….

Sometimes when those things occur, all you know is what has occurred and you don’t know why.  When that happens, you’re left with questions; a million questions that don’t have answers; and usually with your plate and cup overflowing with self doubt and self blame.

Other times you get the story; or at least enough of it to be able to say ‘Okay, I did all I could, this WAS NOT my fault’.

When you get that kind of closure to a hurtful or negative event, you feel relief. you feel like the weight of the world is off your shoulders, you feel like you can move on.

When you don’t get that closure, it takes a lot longer to move on, a lot longer to heal. a lot longer to find it in yourself to forgive yourself.  

I’ve had one of those events recently; and because of the way it has unfolded thanks to the other party involved, I have found myself not having many of the answers that I need to find the closure, to find it in me to cut myself some slack and forgive myself for being who I am.

Instead I’ve been beating myself up, berating myself, carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and searching for closure that I can’t possibly find while carrying the entire burden of the events of the past few days.

But now, now, NOW, more of the story has come to light.

It seems that the silver tongued devil, the smooth talking snake, had a few more irons in the fire than he could handle and he was just looking for a ‘break’ and not a ‘break up’ while he re-explored things with his ex girlfriend.

Now I know you’re thinking ‘Great, you have that knowledge.  Dust the ass off your heals and carry on.’

I’m trying.  I really am.  The thing is, I still have so many unanswered questions that I’m trying to find the answers to….  and those answers aren’t just falling into my lap.

I keep telling myself I’m a good person.  I keep telling myself that this wasn’t my fault.  I keep telling myself that it happens; even the wisest people fall prey to a smooth talker…

But I’m tired of it happening.  You think I would have learned by now how to spot a silver tongued devil a mile away….

You think the Darkside would have taught me that lesson well.

But obviously not.  Or not well enough anyway.

So now I sit and I ponder; where to now?  What next?  How much of the blame do I carry for this latest mess?  Or do I just shrug it off and take what lessons I can from it….

Perhaps…  perhaps that’s all I can do…  Take my lessons and run…

As much as I would like to be able to close the curtain on this latest mess and say that it won’t be heard from again; I can’t yet.  I need time.  Time to examine everything.  Time to actually take a good, hard, long look and figure out where it all went so very very wrong; and what I could have done to stop it, or at least stop myself from getting sucked into it.

Maybe in a day or two; perhaps then I’ll be able to close the curtain and clean the stage of the latest bloodbath.

Perhaps.

Waiting For The Other Shoe….

It’s funny how sometimes you know the shit is just about to hit the fan just because of a small alteration in what you have come to consider ‘the daily routine’.    I just didn’t think it was going to hit this badly…..

I woke up Valentine’s Day morning and there wasn’t a text on my phone wishing me a good morning.  There always was though.  Always.  It was a great way to start my day.  So, I texted and there was no response   Baby to school, home, house tidy, sheets changed, bed remade, load of laundry in, jammies on, small snack, crawl into bed, check phone…  Still nothing.

Hmmm.  Something’s up.

Off to sleep.

Wake up.  Still nothing.  Worry sets in.  What if he’s sick?  What if one of his kids are sick or hurt?  What if, what if, what if……

Text.  No answer.  Wait….  Call the house.  One of his kids answers.  He’s not home, still at work. Call his cell.  No answer.  Then I get the text…..

It was a heaping order of “It’s not you it’s me” with a liberal application of “I’m not ready I thought I was ready” topped off with ‘Please don’t hate me for doing it this way” with a large side of “Well maybe you’ll wait and when I’m ready….”……

Instantly, my knees crumbled and my phone hit the floor…  Tears rolled silently down my cheeks.  The baby “Mommy, what’s wrong?”  “Oh baby, mommy’s heart just hurts.”  She then proceeds to do everything she can in her power to make me smile…  and man did she work for it… but she did get me to giggle…

And then the house fell silent…  or as silent as it gets when your friends are texting and calling and keeping an eye on you…..  picking you up and dusting you off….

In the silence…  I got to thinking…  Thinking about all of his words…

I love you, I’ll always fight for you, I’ll never let you down, I’m always here, the only way you’re getting rid of me is if you kick me to the curb….  Blahblahblah…..

And I have to wonder…  where exactly in all of that did the lies start?  Where should I have stopped believing?  His actions matched his words…  time and time again…  So where… where should I have called bullshit…  WHERE DID THE LIES START?

The good news is…  My heart is mine…  It was mine to give…  It was mine to take back…  And I have taken it back.  It’s pretty battered right now, but it’s back where it belongs; safe with me.

(sigh)…

So now, here I sit…  Unable to sleep…  So working…..  filling my time.. keeping my brain busy…  but wondering… what is it?  What is it about me?  What’s wrong with me?

And of course wondering where did the lies start…..

And watching silently while my little bricklayers put up the biggest wall around my heart I have ever seen…  I don’t think this one is coming down for a very long time…  And I think it’s going to take a mighty patent person to even be able to begin to find a way to take it down….   But that’s okay with me.  It is, after all, MY HEART.  I must protect it at all costs….

Honestly, I don’t think I will ever trust the way I did before again….

Because I don’t know where the lies started.

And The Illness Strikes….

I was… I was going to write a blog tonight about the recent events but I barely made it through that work file that is already late…

I’m shivering…  my teeth are chattering…  every joint I own hurts….  my stomach is a mess…  and I am SO DIZZY.

Oh, daycare germs…  How I love thee…

John…  Thank you so much for helping out over the weekend with the sick wee…  I hope you don’t catch this.

Mackenzie….  Thanks for sitting today so I could sleep…  I needed it…  I hope you don’t catch this.

I’m going for a long hot shower… putting on my fuzzie jammies… and dying until this goes away…

I’ll catch up later…