We’ve all had them…
You’ve been puzzling over something for minutes, hours, days, maybe even weeks… It’s been rolling around inside your head; maybe you’ve been losing sleep, or unable to concentrate on anything else…
You’ve been thinking on the fine details of the event or the problem… so much so that it has almost taken on a life of its own… it just keeps playing over and over in your mind… everything from what you thought to how you felt to what you expected to how you would act and react… Everything… but it all takes on a life of its own… and the more you think about it, the more life you breathe into it…
And then… suddenly… usually without warning… it’s like someone has turned on the light and everything that was murky before suddenly becomes clear; crystal clear.
I had my moment today….
Let me back up a bit.
I woke up this afternoon; well before my alarm. I really was quite upset… again… All I could think was WHY? WHAT DID I DO???
I kept thinking about how I felt on Valentine’s morning, waking up without a good morning text from him… thinking, well maybe he’s trying to surprise me with something… maybe he’s trying to do something extra nice… maybe he’s got some kind of romantic surprise in store for me… That seemed plausible… that seemed like something that he would do… It seemed like something that he (or the he that he presented to me) would do…
And then I got back into the WHY? WHAT DID I DO??? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE???? Blahblahblah… All of the blahblahblah unanswered questions that roll around in your head after a breakup with no explanation; who, what, when, where, why, how…. You know them… We ALL know them.
Well, I grabbed my phone and I started talking to Rob… “Why can’t I get him out of my heart and my head?”
His response was very simple: “I don’t know. Seems it should be fairly easy to do as all that was good about him pales in comparison to his final actions.”
That actually gave me pause. There are few people in the world who can actually make me stop and just think; Rob is one of them… That’s likely why he is my dearest friend. That is definitely why, when there is trouble brewing or I need advice; good sound advice, I turn to him first. Not only do I know with one hundred percent certainty that he will listen and he will have great words… but I also know that he loves me and my Wee dearly and he won’t judge. Despite those facts, I don’t know how he resists the urge to grab me once in a while and just shake the life out of me until whatever is loose falls back into place; but he hasn’t (yet)… LOL…
The conversation went back and forth from there for a while and then my AhhHaa moment happened…
“Hm. Perhaps I’m too focused on why…. Maybe that’s why he won’t get the hell out…. Why really doesn’t matter anymore in the grand scheme of things…. The why only really matters if you’re trying to prevent the breakup…. There was nothing for me to prevent. He made all of the decisions before I knew there was a problem.”
Rob’s honest response: “Yup. You were not considered in his contemplation’s at all.”
And there it is… My light bulb moment for the day…
You can’t expect the past to get out of your head and your heart if you’re still chewing on the details like a dog chews a bone.
After the fact, after all is said and done, the details DON’T MATTER; especially if you were never part of the decision making process in the first place.
And, if you’re not worth someone’s contemplation’s while making a decision that involves you, why the hell should they be worth even one moment of space in your brain while you worry over the details that DON’T MATTER.
Really, does it matter when his ex contacted him? No. Would it be nice to know… meh. Maybe… but that knowledge may hurt more than not knowing.
Really, does it matter why he chose her over me? No. It doesn’t. It was his choice to make.. He wants to gamble on her again; someone who has a proven track record of already hurting him and not being what he needs; meh. That’s his gamble to take. Personally it’s not one that I would take, but not everyone thinks the way that I do.
Does it really mater WHY he broke up with me the way he did; via text message on Valentine’s Day? No, hell no, of course it doesn’t. The only thing that his actions show is that well, he’s really not the stand up guy that he claims to be. A stand up person at least has the courtesy to grow some balls and pick up the god damned phone. But, after all of the public emotional statements and claims of love and happiness that he made, he should have grown a real set and knocked on my door to tell me that he was going back to the person who had wronged him once already because that is what his heart wanted him to do.
The only thing that really matters at this point in ANY of this is that he doesn’t want to be with me; he broke every promise he ever made to me; his words were nothing more than empty words… his promises were only short term promises designed to be broken; and he didn’t respect me enough as a human being; a WORTHY human being; to man up, grow some balls, and break my heart properly.
So, now that I know that, he is not worth one more second in my head or my heart, because I wasn’t worth even a moment of his contemplation’s when he was making the decision to return to his ex… I can honestly say with a great deal more conviction than I thought possible at this point… Fuck It.
It’s time to mop the stage… mend the curtains… and move on…
And take all of my lessons with me.
Yes, there will be a much larger wall around my heart because of all of this.. but perhaps one day I’ll find someone worthy of taking that wall down for; someone who is truly willing to spend the time on me; invest the time and the emotions on me… Someone WORTH taking that wall down for.
Until then… The walls stay up….
And a new chapter begins….
Without him in it. *smile*… Because WE are better than anyone who can not treat us the way we DESERVE to be treated.
I will not let anyone treat me or my daughter like less than the best.