And Tonight….

I cried.

Not the quiet tears on cheeks that I have spoke of in the past.   Oh no.  Not this time.  It started out that way and then I realized; the baby is in bed and fast asleep; the dogs are resting; the cats are not around…  I’m here… in my kitchen…  alone…  Fuck it.

The first sob; it felt like a release of sorts; like the cork popping out of a bottle…  Then the second sob built right on the tail of the first…  and that one felt and sounded hollow…  it echoed around in my head…  my heart…  my stomach…

My elbows hit the counter.  When I realized I couldn’t support myself standing even leaning on the counter, I slid down the cupboards until I was sitting on the floor; elbows on my knees, face in my hands, sobbing.

It was the worst feeling.  Every sob made every word that the baby had innocently said bounce around in the utter loneliness that I feel every day.

And it all started with a ‘simple’ bath time conversation.

Me and Wee; we talk about some pretty deep stuff every day; what she did at school, how she feels, what she thinks… If it was a weekend away, what she did, if there is anything I need to help her fix to make her time away better, how her time away made her feel.  And then, usually once all of that is out of the way, she pulls out the big guns.

Now I’m not saying the previously mentioned stuff isn’t big for a three year old; because it is…  What did you do, how did that make you feel, what could be done to make it better…  that’s all big stuff.

But when this girl pulls out the big guns; watch out; duck and run friends…  Cause it can get deep, FAST!

Mommy, member when daddy was mean to you.
Yeah babe.  I remember.
Member when you fell in the gopher hole last year when we went for eggs.
Yeah babe, I remember.
Mommy, I want to fix that hole so you don’t fall in it again.
Thanks baby.
I want to ask daddy; but daddy won’t help me; daddy is mean to you.  Can I ask Uncle Rob?
Sure you can baby.
But we don’t see Uncle Rob much; is he mean too?  Doesn’t he like you?
Oh hun; that’s mommy’s fault.  We’ll see him more when we move in with Pat and Em.
Oh.  Well what about Auntie Dodie.  Doesn’t she like you?  We never see her either.

OH SHIT.

You can ALL see where this is going.  She is equating lack of contact with people not liking me/us.

Shit.

And she’s not pulling names out of her ass….  These are all names of people that she’s met, that we used to be able to see a lot, that for one reason or another, we have just become distanced from.  Yes, some of it is MY DOING…  Some of it is…  and I will take the blame for every ounce of that…  But some of it is not.

Half a dozen names later, I try explaining to her that people change and grow…  that people get busy…  that priorities change in people’s lives….  that things rarely ever stay the same…  I tried to explain that sometimes even good people get left behind; not because they’re any less good but just because lives change that much.

I don’t think she got it; I don’t think I got the idea through to her.

It’s okay that you’re lonely mommy; you’ll always have me and Stewie and Darwin.
Thanks baby.

Fast forward to bed time, snuggle time.

I love you mommy.
I know baby. I love you too.
Daddy loves me too mommy.
Yes baby I know.
I love my daddy.
I know baby, that’s good.
I love him better cause he got me……

Start singing a song in my head to drown out all of the reasons she loves him better.  I don’t need that particular knife in my heart tonight.

Okay baby.  Sleep time.
Okay mommy.  Night.
Sweet dreams baby.
Sweet dreams mommy.

Fast forward to the kitchen.  Sobbing.

FUCK…  even my toddler knows I’m lonely…  That I’m essentially alone…  And thinks it’s happening because everyone hates me…  Fuck.

Really???  Fuck.

That’s all I’ve got right now.

Fuck…

That, and the ocean of tears that won’t stop falling…..

At least the sobbing has stopped.  Crying silently is less lonely than sobbing.

Still So Much….

So much to say…  So many words…  So little time….

I passed by flowers in the grocery store yesterday and thought of my dear friend and brother Greg… who is healing after another knee replacement… and thought about all of the time that has slipped away since I last saw him…  I thought of grabbing him flowers but then realized I didn’t know when I’d have a moment – or when he’d have the strength – for me to deliver them….

I looked up recipes on line today because Wee wants to bake…  and I thought of Dave and the Pay it Forward and his Birthday, and Christy, and Samantha… and tried to pick something I could split with them.. because Wee and I never consume all of anything….

I had my computer updating today and talked to Rob for those few stolen minutes….  and realized it’s been FOREVER since I’ve seen him and Nikki and their boys…  *sigh*….

I texted Art today, and because of the latest illness, lord only knows when I’ll be able to see him…  Time and distance is not our friend right now…  Top that off with us both working huge hours, his 4 kids, my Wee, his wife and inlaws and other family responsibilities…  it all adds up to when…

I was actually speaking with Art yesterday (Today?  The day before?  Who knows anymore….) and saying I need one more hour every day…  I need to find a way to squeeze one more hour out of every day…  Just so that for one hour a day…  I can truly do something for me; something that I enjoy…

I just want to take a run.

Just one hour….

But I can’t find it….

Hell I can’t even find the time to keep in touch with my sister and her family; and they live just up the road….

Just one more hour a day would be nice though….

Just for a run…

And this conversation was being had at about 1030 last night while the baby fought sleep….  while I cooked three days worth of meals to save myself a few minutes every day…  while I did the dishes…  while I played with the dogs…  while I mixed the juice…  while I wished for a shower…  while I wished for an hour…  and while I cried….

I’m hoping, praying, that by some miracle of science or physics…  perhaps come June… I might (with Pat’s help) be able to find a way to squeeze one hour out of the day…

For me….

For a run…

And The Time Passes….

Life settles; life moves; life alters; and it settles into a routine…  into the everyday.

And that’s what it is…  The every day.

We’ve come as far as we can where we are; staying where we are any longer is just holding us back…  keeping us chained to the past.

It’s time to move on….  move forward…  live a life that we deserve to live full of people who love us and deserve our time.

Pat…  I can’t wait till June… it is June yet???  I can’t wait.

Liz and your Steve and your amazing and bright and full of sunlight children…  IS IT JUNE YET????  I can’t wait…  Even if it’s just a few stolen moment every day over a cup of tea…  I’m so thrilled to have a friend like you…  I hope we can become best friends.

Rob and Nikki and your boys…  I can’t wait to be closer…  Be able to just drop by because I wanted to.  Sure, I can do that now but, closer will be so nice…  And get the kids together at all kinds of fun local activities..  You’ll have to show us all the kid friendly things to do in town….

Sure, I’ll miss having Tina and Mackenzie so close by…  but do come and visit any time…  Any time… and know that you’ll get invited to all of Wee’s big life events….  if you can make it, fabulous…  You’re welcome any time….!!!  And we’d still love for Mackenzie to babysit once in a while…

John…  I know, I know that you’ll come by to see us often… and that we’ll still get together often…  You’re a very dear friend to us…  Very dear….  No matter how busy your life is, when the call for help goes out, you’re there to lend a hand.  Thank you…

And dear Pat…  You by nature of our proximity… you will become my rock…  my sounding board…  and my pitbull when someone isn’t hearing the words coming out of my mouth…  I hope you don’t mind too awful much…  We’re gonna have so much fun together…  we’re so uniquely different that I think this is gonna be a perfect fit…  and perfect for our little girls…  a great place; a great space…  with two great people who love them both dearly.

As life shifts and changes…  as time moves and preparations are made…  everything has started to shift…  everything has started to change…  everything from who is held near and dear and in the highest regard…  to what my plans are a year from now…  to where I hope to be…  to what I know I’ll be doing…  Most of it is small shifting…  but some of it; some of the shifting is huge; so gigantic that it has actually left me a bit frightened of what the next step is…  where the next step will lead…  and what the future holds….

But through all of that fear, there is one constant that I know.. and that’s making the necessary changes easier to make…  No matter what…  I know you’ll be there Rob…  Even if it’s just to make me smile for a moment…  and then wipe the tears when they fall…  I know you’ll be there…  you truly are my best friend; my family.

And I have to be honest… there have been a lot of tears falling lately…  The path that I chose all those years ago; it’s not an easy one…  far from easy…  Often money is tight; not because I over spend or spend on the unnecessary; but because that’s the nature of being a single parent.  Often you feel forgotten by your friends who have that ‘perfect’ two parent family unit; they forget to invite you or they even forget to look your way; until something happens and they need you to lean on.

In my case; my friends, my true friends; most of them are in a different city.  Yes, I have friends scattered around the globe… but my true support system….. the people I could call and I know they’d be there, most of them are in a different city…  it will be nice to get back to them…  To have them around… to work on strengthening some of those relationships and making them into something truly spectacular.  It will be nice to have that ‘you’re welcome any time’ feeling and knowledge that true friendship brings.

But yes, there have been tears falling… late at night…  when the baby sleeps… when the dogs are settled…  The cats, well I won’t even mention their nonsense…  But I fall into bed… and that’s when the loneliness creeps in…

Everyone seems to have someone…  someone to turn to…  Even those of you who have a significant other who you see infrequently whether due to shift work or distance or choice; everyone seems to have someone…  and well; I have my dogs… And while they’re great…  it’s not the same…  At the end of a bad day or bad week or bad time, it’s nice to know, comforting to know, that eventually there is going to be someone there to take you in their arms and let you know that it’s all okay; even for five minutes, that it’s all okay, that they are there for you…. to lift your burden for even five minutes….

I don’t have that.

Sure, I have friends…  and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t know that some of those friends are interested in dating me, but I’ve learned that lesson once already…  don’t date friends.. it sours, you loose it all.  But having a friend hug you tight and say that they’re there… well, it’s just not the same…  Not when the weight of self judgement and loneliness and self doubt is rolling around in your head.

So I end up crawling into bed… more often than not anymore with my dogs and my Wee right there…  and the tears fall…  Not the loud sobbing ones… just the quiet ones that slide down your cheeks and soak your pillow…

And all I can hope is that maybe one day…  maybe…  someone will see me for who I am…  and maybe they’ll want to become part of something special…

Until then…  I work..  I hold my friends close…  I nurture my friendships…  and I know that there are great things in store for me and Wee come June.

The (Un)Likeliest Of….

Sometimes…  sometimes…  occasionally, you find inner peace and contentment at the unlikeliest of moments….

Sometimes…  sometimes…  occasionally, you find healing at the unlikeliest of times….

Sometimes…  sometimes…  occasionally, you find your song, your peace, your piece…  in the most likely of people… but at the most unlikely of times…

Everything happens for a reason… I truly believe that…  People come and go from your life for a reason…  People enter and reenter your life for a reason…  Hearts break for a reason…  Hearts heal for a reason…

Everything happens for a reason…

Sometimes that reason doesn’t make sense…  Hell, it rarely ever does….  But when something happens that makes your life complete, that makes you happy…  that makes your heart sing….  Hold on to it for all it’s worth…  And try never to let it go; unless it proves to be toxic.

In this case…  this particular reentry into my life… my world…  This is not toxic…  This is one of the best things that has ever happened to my life…  It is a very welcome reentry…  A very wanted reentry…  A very comfortable reentry…

And I know I’m not gonna let it go without a fight; because this particular reentry is the furthest thing from toxic that I can think of…

This particular reentry…  well, it completes a great many things…

And it makes my soul sing…..

And I won’t let it go without a fight.