Not the quiet tears on cheeks that I have spoke of in the past. Oh no. Not this time. It started out that way and then I realized; the baby is in bed and fast asleep; the dogs are resting; the cats are not around… I’m here… in my kitchen… alone… Fuck it.
The first sob; it felt like a release of sorts; like the cork popping out of a bottle… Then the second sob built right on the tail of the first… and that one felt and sounded hollow… it echoed around in my head… my heart… my stomach…
My elbows hit the counter. When I realized I couldn’t support myself standing even leaning on the counter, I slid down the cupboards until I was sitting on the floor; elbows on my knees, face in my hands, sobbing.
It was the worst feeling. Every sob made every word that the baby had innocently said bounce around in the utter loneliness that I feel every day.
And it all started with a ‘simple’ bath time conversation.
Me and Wee; we talk about some pretty deep stuff every day; what she did at school, how she feels, what she thinks… If it was a weekend away, what she did, if there is anything I need to help her fix to make her time away better, how her time away made her feel. And then, usually once all of that is out of the way, she pulls out the big guns.
Now I’m not saying the previously mentioned stuff isn’t big for a three year old; because it is… What did you do, how did that make you feel, what could be done to make it better… that’s all big stuff.
But when this girl pulls out the big guns; watch out; duck and run friends… Cause it can get deep, FAST!
Mommy, member when daddy was mean to you.
Yeah babe. I remember.
Member when you fell in the gopher hole last year when we went for eggs.
Yeah babe, I remember.
Mommy, I want to fix that hole so you don’t fall in it again.
I want to ask daddy; but daddy won’t help me; daddy is mean to you. Can I ask Uncle Rob?
Sure you can baby.
But we don’t see Uncle Rob much; is he mean too? Doesn’t he like you?
Oh hun; that’s mommy’s fault. We’ll see him more when we move in with Pat and Em.
Oh. Well what about Auntie Dodie. Doesn’t she like you? We never see her either.
You can ALL see where this is going. She is equating lack of contact with people not liking me/us.
And she’s not pulling names out of her ass…. These are all names of people that she’s met, that we used to be able to see a lot, that for one reason or another, we have just become distanced from. Yes, some of it is MY DOING… Some of it is… and I will take the blame for every ounce of that… But some of it is not.
Half a dozen names later, I try explaining to her that people change and grow… that people get busy… that priorities change in people’s lives…. that things rarely ever stay the same… I tried to explain that sometimes even good people get left behind; not because they’re any less good but just because lives change that much.
I don’t think she got it; I don’t think I got the idea through to her.
It’s okay that you’re lonely mommy; you’ll always have me and Stewie and Darwin.
Fast forward to bed time, snuggle time.
I love you mommy.
I know baby. I love you too.
Daddy loves me too mommy.
Yes baby I know.
I love my daddy.
I know baby, that’s good.
I love him better cause he got me……
Start singing a song in my head to drown out all of the reasons she loves him better. I don’t need that particular knife in my heart tonight.
Okay baby. Sleep time.
Okay mommy. Night.
Sweet dreams baby.
Sweet dreams mommy.
Fast forward to the kitchen. Sobbing.
FUCK… even my toddler knows I’m lonely… That I’m essentially alone… And thinks it’s happening because everyone hates me… Fuck.
That’s all I’ve got right now.
That, and the ocean of tears that won’t stop falling…..
At least the sobbing has stopped. Crying silently is less lonely than sobbing.