So Much For…..

Again… it has happened again…  I thought I’d have down time… and then life happened…  Now that down time is split in between three days…  and that down time that is now divided is full of running around and appointments and chores and….

Where is my Jammie day????

I was talking to a dear friend John about it…  (thanks for always being there John)…  He agrees… my life is too busy… I need a break…  I think he is plotting a break for me whether I like it or not after the move…

I can’t help but agree with him…  I need a true break…  a few days of nothing more than….  nothing.

It has again become one of those days where I can’t help but wonder…  okay, sure, I have a phone full of people who say “we’re friends… I’m here”….  in that phone full, I hear from four routinely, even just to say “Hello, how’s things” every few days…  I hear from another three when it’s clear that life has again become too big and I’m drowning…  and from the others, well, I may hear when I’m screaming from the rooftops that the shit has hit the fan, or when they need something, or, worse yet, after the disaster is over and the other seven people have stepped in and picked up the mess with me, I hear “oh, I didn’t think it was a big deal.  I just figured it was ____ still going on.”

What has happened to friendships???  To communication???  To just saying hi… for the sake of saying hi….???

I know yes, I can be bad at stopping for a moment to just say Hi….  no excuse…  But I like to think that the four people who keep in touch with me, good times and bad, hear from me equally as much… good times and bad… just to say Hi…  The rest; well, they fall lower on my list of things to do…  Unfortunate but true…  But I’ve started prioritizing….  Okay, important, not so much, and wasting my time.

Maybe I need to clean my phone book of the time wasters??

The problem is… some of those time wasters, they helped me through some pretty ugly times in my life…  and I guess I’m just having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that, well, perhaps their reason, their season for being in my life is in the past….

But through this shifting, through the changes, some friendships have become more solid, more important than ever before…  and others have started to grow, started to become something that, given enough time, I think will become great…  great sources of support and encouragement and love for me and my wee and our ever evolving life…

For those of you who take the time….  good times and bad…  to stop and say Hello…  thank you…

To those of you who remember us and help us and pick us up when you can….  thank you….

And for those who were there…  who did help… who did walk…  but who have outgrown our story…  I am sad to see you go….  but thank you for all that you did.  Your kindness will never be forgotten….  your support will always be cherished…  your love will always be dear….  but I guess our season has just run its course.

As hard as it can be to let go of things….  you have to let go of the past for your future to grow…  And sometimes that means letting go of the people who have consciously or unconsciously let go of you….

The Disgusting And The Insane…..

Oh where to begin…  it seems that SO MUCH has altered in the last while; just slight shifts in behaviours or thoughts or viewpoints or habits….  Mostly little shifts; but it all adds up to one simple thought that rolled through the house tonight while I was preparing things for tomorrow’s dinner:  We’re doing okay…  We’re doing it and we’re doing okay.  Despite everything, we’re doing okay.

Yes, damn straight, some days, some moments…  sometimes I just want to hang my head and cry. And to be honest; sometimes I do….  There are times that it is all BIG…  and I do cry…  and then I ask for help.

I have learned to ask for help…

Even if it’s just dropping towels or blankets off in my car so that the baby doesn’t have to sit in her puke coated car seat; or just a phone call and a chat for five minutes while I shut my brain off and reorganize; a reboot of my brain if you will…  All the way to bigger things like can you help pack or can you help watch the baby or….  can you help….

I’ve learned to utter the words I need help.

That has changed everything.

I, after all, am not a superhero.  I am just a single mom; one who works 40 to 60 hours a week; one who has a lot on the go…

I am, after all, only human.

We’ve also made changes, small changes, to the way we eat and shop.  SMALL changes.  We’re not out looking to lose weight; not by a long shot; but I am wanting us to live healthier and just in general feel better.  Small changes; changes like instead of the table cream I used to buy for my coffee, I’m now using the 10 percent.  Instead of pots of coffee around the clock, I’ve cut some of that out and hugely increased my water intake.  Instead of the ‘maple syrup’ for her pancakes, I buy the real stuff.  Instead of margarine, butter.  Instead of precooked, prepackaged, convenience meats, I purchase large amounts of the meats we use a lot of, cook them all up, and then divide it up into serving sizes for us.  It’s already cooked, just a quick reheat and go.  Instead of full fat cheese, skim milk cheese.  See, not big changes; but just changes… small alterations.  Instead of vegetables from the grocery store; vegetables and fruit from Briwood; they taste better and the baby loves them; actually eats them.

I’ve also changed the workout I’m doing at 2 am.  I’m one of those people that, if I get bored, it’s not gonna stick.  I don’t care.  Or if I can’t ‘get it’ because of complex moves or it causes pain in my overly abused body that I am not comfortable with, I won’t stick with it.  I’ve found a workout that I am really liking though; the 30 day shred…  HOLY LAWD I’ve got things hurting in ways I didn’t think they’d ever hurt again, but it’s a good hurt… and really it’s a simple routine with no bullshit complex moves.  I like it.  Twenty minutes at 2 am and really, I’m so finding it worth it already.

So small changes; mostly in the way I think, or in just the way things get done:  Prepare everything for supper the night before so that in the morning, it just goes in the pot and then I can go to bed… Nothing complex.  Reaching for slightly different products at the grocery store…  Not tough.  Brewing one less pot of coffee and keeping my water bottle full…  Easy.  Asking for help…  Getting easier.

Small stuff…

But it all adds up to…  we’re doing okay.

And, look at me, my mind totally wandered off topic…  *laugh*

The baby has also made small changes…  I asked her what she’d be willing to do and she told me, and she’s doing it…  She’s really doing it.  She truly is Mommy’s Big Helper.

She fills the dogs dishes every morning and then sets her dog up to eat in his crate.  She fills the dog dishes every evening and then hand feeds her dog.  She puts her dog in and out of his crate as needed.  She has learned to clip the dogs to their outside leashes so she does that.  She mops the floor in the kitchen every night after supper.  She picks up her toys before moving on to the next toy.  She helps me dust and clean on weekends.  She helps to put our clothes away once they’re clean and folded.

She really is mommy’s big helper.

I’m very lucky that she’s so amazing.

And she’s totally with the food changes; totally with it.

We’re doing okay.

But, in among all of these small changes, there have been discoveries made.  The biggest; TODDLER’S ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING CREATURES ON THE PLANET.

Yes, Darwin tries to snack from the litter box.  Gross.
Yes, Stewie eats cat puke.  Gross.
Yes, my cats puke up a lot of hairballs this time of year.  Gross.

NOTHING beats a toddler.

Examples:

Darwin is chewing a bone.  “Mommy, is that the chicken flavoured bone?”  “I think so baby.”  “Hm.  I should check”.  Takes bone from the dog that is known to snack from the litter box, inserts into her mouth.
“Mommy, we need a mani pedi day.  My nails look horrible.”  “I know baby.  This weekend.”  Thirty seconds later I find her ‘painting’ her fingernails with her boogers.  That’s right folks, picking her nose and then wiping it onto her nails to dry.

And speaking of the nose picking…  Do they live with their finger up their nose ALL THE TIME?????  What is that???   GAWD!!!

See.  Disgusting creatures.  UG….

And my little Wee knows that summer is coming; and she’s very excited.  She wants to fit so much into her summer…   SO MUCH STUFF.  “Mommy, I want to learn how to climb.”  “Are you sure baby, you’re pretty young.”  “I know mommy, but watch…”  and before I know it I’m peeling a toddler off a surface that isn’t meant to be climbed.

The child is insane…  she has no fear….

But her smile is contagious, her laugh is infectious, and she is so smart…  So very smart….

And we’re okay.