And…..

I don’t know if that’s all I’ve got right now…  just that one word…  one word that weighs a million pounds in meaning alone.

It may be…  but I don’t think so.

I think I have a million more words; each as heavy as that one little word…

But they’re escaping me right now.

Or they’re moving too quickly for me to grab onto…

To hold…

To make sense out of.

I know that there are a million things that I am feeling right now…  Everything from exhaustion to frustration to joy to peace to fear to loneliness to love to…  well you get the idea I think.

I’m full of a million emotions…  I think I’m feeling the entire spectrum of human emotion right now…  each emotion, each feeling battling to come to the forefront…  each of them battling for supremacy….

It’s leaving me exhausted.

Thankfully the last few days I’ve had an amazing friend (Thanks Dutchie) touching base and keeping track.  The thing is, I don’t think she realizes that she was keeping track and picking me up and dusting me off…  Which makes it even more special to me.  

Thanks Flower…  thanks for being my light the last few days.

Thanks for the silly messages, the long chats, the laughs…  oh the laughs…  I don’t need to work out my abs…  They’re getting plenty of a workout from laughing so hard and so long.

Thank you for being my friend.

And to everyone else who is starting to see signs of the crumbling that I’m doing….  starting to see the cracks…  I’m sorry… I’m so sorry I’m cracking…  I’m so sorry I’m weak and needing you to help dust me off again…  I’m so sorry…  But thank you for recognizing the weakness, checking in, keeping track, touching base, and making sure I’m ok.  I appreciate it and I love each and every one of you for being there for me…  again.

Right now…  Right at this moment…  I’m hoping…  hoping that good news comes my way sometime in the next two days….  That perhaps Karma will give me a break and things will roll my way.

If they don’t, I’ll need each and every one of you more than ever…  I’ll need your input, your opinions, your strength, your love, and your understanding.

I’ll need you to be my safe place to fall….

I hope that’s not asking too much…

I hope that you’ll all understand and all be there as best you can to help ensure that I’m strong enough to keep on fighting…

Because right now, to be honest…  I’m hiding behind the jokes and the smiles and the laughter….

I’m hiding my struggles behind my smile.

The prettiest Smile hides the deepest secrets.
The prettiest Eyes have cried the most tears.
The kindest hearts have felt the most pain.

~Author Unknown~

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Heaven Is….

There is nothing better than ending a day contentedly happy, mosquito bitten all to hell because I spent a sinfully lazy few hours tromping through the woods looking for bullfrogs and sitting on fallen logs with someone who likes me and is flattered that I like him….  Followed by a great dinner with my Wee….  Laughs and giggles with her during bath time….  Play time after that…  And then having her fall asleep content as all get-out and curled up in my arms.

Yes my friends….

THAT is heaven.

Karma…..

I’ve had to wonder lately…  quite often lately actually…  if Karma isn’t ‘paying me back’ for something that I’ve done; paying me back in a big way….  for something that I’ve done that I seriously have forgotten that I’ve done because, to be honest, I can’t think of a single thing I’ve ever done big enough to deserve everything that I’m going through right now.

Now, understand please, I’m not claiming to be a saint…  I wouldn’t…  I couldn’t… And I know that.   But I don’t think I’ve ever done anything horrible enough to have everything that is going on falling square on my head.

Yes, I have seen horrible things.   That was part of my job….  And unfortunately, a large part of my life for a long time.

Yes, I have done horrible things…  Again, when you do the work I have done, sometimes duty requires that.  Under other circumstances and in other situations, there is no way in hell I would have done any of those things.

Yes I have demons that I work to keep at bay every day because of the things I’ve seen and the things I’ve done….  Yes I do.  And sometimes those demons get frighteningly close and very real.

But I think I’ve paid enough for anything and everything that I may have done in the past that Karma could feel the need to pay me for…  I’ve paid in tears, in pain, in blood, in friends, in family, in relationships, in heartbreak, in sorrow, in loss…..  I’ve paid mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially…  

But it seems that I’m to keep paying….

Why?  What did I do that was so wrong; so absolutely horrible that Karma feels the need to keep making me pay?

Sometimes I feel like I’m paying just because I’m living….

If you think I’m being overly dramatic at this point (and perhaps I am…  We all know I can make things bigger than they need to be sometimes; when things get big and the world just seems to be ugly) let’s take a good hard look at the last little while, a small walk down memory lane if you will.   Walk with me please…..

Not only am I stuck in what seems to be the separation that never ends with a man who can’t grow the hell up and prioritize properly but he’s also the man who, at any and every turn, will say hurtful and demeaning things even if my daughter is present.  Ok, sure, old news…  Moving on.

I’ve had friends take advantage of my good nature; one of who cancelled a move in with me and my daughter weeks before the move was to take place; leaving me and my Wee in quite a spot indeed…  Not only was there no care or concern on his part regarding that but, there was also no care and concern regarding the money that I then lost because of the cancelled move.   Gee.  Thanks friend.

I’ve had friends prove that they were nothing more than fair weather friends; making all sorts of excuses why they didn’t want to be around.  Isn’t it easier just to come out and say ‘we’ve outgrown you… Thanks though.’…   I think so.   Excuses are far more hurtful; especially bad ones.

I’ve had the one remaining relative that I was trying to build a relationship with go so absolutely loco that I no longer wish to have contact with her because the heartache is too great. Sure, that may not be all her fault (and some of you will know why) but still, Karma…  Why do you have to take that one last link to my family from me?

I’ve had friends die by their own hands…  Taken by the same demons that tend to haunt my world….  Good friends…  Great friends…  And I’ve been helpless to stop it.

I’ve had my actual character brought into question because of a ‘questionable past’ thanks to a notation on my CPIC that the Crown hadn’t gotten around to removing yet.  That cost me a good paying job, almost cost me a job that I had, and has caused me more heartache and headache than I care to even think about.

Despite the fact that my daughter and I live below poverty level; below Taxable Income Level, because of the fact that I am trying to better things for us by working and not sitting on my tail and moaning about oh poor me, I may have to foot one hundred percent of my legal bills from here on out for a case that should have been over months ago because above-mentioned man who can’t prioritize is making things difficult and dragging things on.  Now let me ask you; where am I supposed to get the money for those legal bills when nothing from nothing equals nothing and I’m already making it by below poverty level?  Hm….  Good question…

And then I’ve had a cat, a darling little kitten, Wee’s cat to boot, pass away….   So now I get to witness Wee calling at the window every night for her Newton to come home…  Then she’ll look at me; ‘Oh, that’s right mommy, Newton’s dead.  She can’t come home.  I miss her so much.’

I do too bear.  I do too.

And then, then, there is the question that keeps rolling around in my head…  The one that I still to this day have no answer to really….

Why did I push away someone who seems so great?  Why?

Yes, I’ve been through my share of heartbreak, heartache, bad relationships, bad friendships, badness…   Then I find someone who could genuinely be someone special…  And I shove….  HARD.  Why?

Is it that I just can’t bring myself to trust after all of the above-mentioned items (which, by the way, are all very recent) have occurred?  Or was there something genuinely off, something that I just couldn’t ignore?  Was my gut feeling nothing more than fear?  Or was there a genuine concern?

We spoke on the phone once after the night that I pushed…   I asked if we could consider trying to fix what was bent; because it really wasn’t broken…  It was just bent.  I understood every word that was said to me but I asked if we could consider it….  I tried to explain things from where I sat and how I felt…  And I thought I did a good job; obviously not…  Because eventually the answer came back no, there was nothing to fix, it was broken, not bent.

Fair enough…  Perception is everything…  But it’s one more way in which Karma is reaching out an icy hand and meddling in my life….

Karma could have been kind….  Karma could have brought Newton home safe…  Karma could have brought back a yes, Karma could have pushed for the separation to be over, finalized…..

But Karma is still paying me back for something….

And I fear it’s not done yet….

I feel like I’m paying for living…

And Karma’s not done making me pay yet.

The Obstacles And The Insanity….

They’re always there…  always…  Sometimes they lay quietly in wait…  waiting for me to think that everything will be smooth sailing…  and then they jump out and ambush me…  other times it feels like I can’t even breathe because the obstacles seem to be never ending….  Like the most grueling obstacle course I’ve ever run.  

As always though, I have a strong group of friends surrounding me, hoping for the best outcome possible at this point, hoping for fair.

As usual, people have come and gone from our place, our space, our mushroom patch.   Some of their own will, some have been asked to leave.

One of the people that I asked to leave, to be honest, I’m still not sure why.  Even at the moment that I was asking them to leave my mushroom and never return I was wondering why…  Even at this moment, almost a full week later, I’m still wondering exactly why…

I think that answer may forever elude me.  Or maybe the reason that I asked them to walk away was valid…  ‘Because my gut says….’….

Perhaps I’m once again learning to trust and listen to my gut instinct….

Or perhaps I’m so jaded at this point that the thought of trusting anyone new is so daunting that the second I sense any kind of emotional attachment I shut down and usher them out….

If the later is the case with them…  I am then left wondering what I lost…  a best friend?  A true compassionate soul?

Or my gut sensed something that I didn’t and I’ve started hearing my gut again; and listening to it….

It’s all so very confusing.

The last two weeks have been very hard…  and very lonely…  a lot of tears have fallen…  not only from my eyes but also from the eyes of my Wee….  And that breaks my heart….

But, in the last two weeks she has learned that not all tears are sad…  THAT was an amazing discovery.

She was happier than anything; we both were…  and she started to laugh/cry…  and she didn’t understand why.   I told her, while my heart was overflowing with joy, that sometimes there is just so much happy in your body that it has to come out of your eyes.  I think she got it….  because now when she sees the odd tear, she asks if my happy is overflowing or if I need a hug.  I’m never one to turn down a hug so I usually tell her both; unless I’m truly sad and lonely, then I tell her the truth… that mommy is just a bit sad and just needs a hug.

Have I ever mentioned that my Wee gives the BEST hugs….?  She does…  She throws her whole heart and soul into that hug and hugs you for all it’s worth.  She gives the best hugs.

And sometimes, sometimes, all you need is a hug to make it all better…

Sometimes, all you need is love.