I Was Told Today….

That a true victory is when nobody walks away happy.

If that is true, then I guess today was a victory.

I’m still not sure how to feel.

Advertisements

For The Love Of……..

And you can finish that anyway you wish…  

If it were me finishing it… You know it would be something along the lines of ‘fuckityfuckfuck’.

Sigh….

I don’t know how long this blog has been writing itself…  I’m really not sure…  I can’t say for certain if the thoughts have been swirling for a long time or if they all just crashed into my head all at once during my ‘holyhellI’mgonnadie’ workout…

Speaking of that…  I must try to figure out if it’s my heart or my spleen that is still currently lodged in my throat after said workout….  LOL…

I must say, as grueling as the workouts I’m doing are…  They’re doing my mind and body a great deal of good.  What used to hurt doesn’t anymore…  My mind likes the exercise and the routine…  And well, to be honest, my vain side very much liked not only the compliment that Jeff kindly paid me on Saturday night…  But I also like the way that I looked when I looked in the mirror on Saturday night tucked in the safety of his arms…

I’m actually getting back into a physical condition that I am comfortable with.  One that I can be proud of…

But that’s not what this blog is about…  Or maybe it is…   Maybe this blog posting is all about PRIDE and feeling good about yourself and your life….

Right now, I’m happy to say that my Pride in myself is starting to come back…  My ability to look in the mirror and be happy with how I look…  And that made huge leaps on Saturday…  With one comment from Jeff…  Because I knew he was sincere… I knew he meant it….

Unfortunately, my self-esteem had been in the toilet for many, many years…  On shaky ground even before Wee’s dad totally flushed it down the toilet for me…  And has never really actually recovered…  I think with Jeff’s help it is making a recovery…  WIth his help and kindness….

And of course with the workouts that leave me wondering what organ I’m going to throw up today.  LOL…

Funny thing is…  I don’t think Jeff is even aware of all that he is doing to build me up and help me be the person I deserve to be….  And that’s what makes it so much more meaningful to me…  He’s not trying…  He’s not lying…  He’s being himself…  And being honest..  Making honest observations… And turning a new light on in my life that is helping me to see things more clearly…

And for that, I can’t thank him enough.

After my workout, before I went for a shower, I checked my phone…   A message from Jeff.  Day is good, this and this and this has been looked into…  How are you babe?

God I love that man…

I am totally amazed by that man….

In a few short days he has gone from someone who, to be quite honest, I don’t think could remember how to tie his own shoes to someone who has started taking steps, BIG steps, to get his life going again.

He is showing more bravery in the last two days than I truly ever thought I would see this quickly.

I’m not sure if it was the brutal truth about his situation talk that I gave him….  Or when I started quoting Dr. Seuss in all of his honesty… Or when I reassured Jeff again and again and again that he was NOT alone…   He was NOT doing anything alone…  There are good people out there to help…  Great people out there holding out their hands to offer support and guidance…  And that I won’t let him fall….  I’ll be his security rope…  His safety net.   Something seems to have clicked…

Something seems to have brought to the surface the desire to push play and take control of his life…  

I knew it was in there; I knew he had it in him…  And I know there is more…  I know that once he gets his feet under him and actually pushes play on life and starts living; his heart, his soul, it’s going to be huge…  Bigger than I think even he knows…

I am so Proud of him.   So very Proud…

I’m not saying that everything is sorting itself out; no, heck no…  But he is taking the steps he needs to take to start living again; a life that he can and will happily live…

There is still much to be done; and much to overcome…   For both of us…

But together, we can make lighter work of the load….

It’s not going to be easy… But together…  It will be less daunting….

Tomorrow I’m hoping to have my largest rock rolled neatly away…  HOPING…  I’m not holding my breath because, well, we all know that if there’s a way to drag things on, the Darkside will find it…  So I’m not holding my breath, but it would be nice…  Nice to just have the final papers…  An agreement; in black and white; no questions, no confusion.

It will be nice….

I may have to have a party…  LOL!!

Once tomorrow is done, I definitely want to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with Jeff about a few things that I think WE need to work on together to change…  Not just me drawing a map and pointing him in the right direction then cheering him on while he does the work…  But actually him and I grabbing hold and tackling together…  Because I think that’s the only way that some things are going to start to gain acceptance…..  If we’re there, united, working together towards the common goal…

But that, that is a discussion for a later date…  After tomorrow is done and off my mind…

No matter which way tomorrow goes; there is a plan…  I have a plan…

If tomorrow goes well, I wait for the documents to be in my hands and then I celebrate and pick up Map A.

If tomorrow goes poorly, I pick up Map B.

Both Maps hold a plan…  Both Maps keep life moving….  Neither Map allows for life to pause.

And both Maps have Jeff and I working together…  Being strong together…  Being brave together…  

The Lost And The Found….

Well…

Um….

Hm….

That seems to be all I have right now…

But to fill in the blanks…

Jeff…  Man can that man make me crazy…  Oh wait…  Short trip.

He can make me so furious with him that I just want to stand up and scream.

He can make me so frustrated with him that I just want to throw up my hands.

But at the same time…  Do I ever love him.

And even if he never loves me…  That’s okay.  

Because life isn’t always about getting what you want…  Most of the time it’s about getting what you need…

And right now, at this moment…  I need to hold my hand out to him to hold…  I need to help him.

I remember how it felt, how many times I’ve felt so scared and all alone…  So lost…

And then one person would reach out a hand.

And I’d grab it.

If it wasn’t for that, I’d still be lost to this day.

Well, Jeff, he’s struggling…  And struggling hard…  Trying to break the ties that are holding him in place…  Trying to figure out how to push play…  But he’s scared…

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

So, I’m offering to be his safety net…  His safety harness…  The hand.

I can offer good advice; great advice.

And if I can’t, I have great friends who can and who I know will; without judgement.

All he needs to do is hold on and trust.

Yes, I love him…  God do I love him…

So I need to be here for him the way he was for me so many times recently…

Just by being him, he has helped me through so much…

And now I need to be me and do the same.

I know he loves me…

But I know he’s scared….

Right now…  He just needs to trust that I’m there… And I will help…  And that my people are going to be there to help him too…  Just because they care about me they’ll be there for him too…  Just because that is the quality of people that I have in my life….

Everyone will be there to help…  To hold out a hand…  And to make him feel a little less lost on this leg of his journey…

Everyone will be there cheering while he takes the first step to just pushing play.

Confessions…..

*Sigh*…..

This particular blog has been writing itself since about 4 a.m. when I awoke to the baby coming down the hall to my room because Stewie woke her up hogging her bed.  
“Mommy, your dog is hogging my bed.  Why isn’t he hogging your bed?” 
“I guess I’ve been restless dude and he grew tired of it.  Sorry.”
“It’s okay mommy.  Let me stay with you; maybe you’ll sleep then okay?”
And in she crawls…  And we snuggle…  But I don’t sleep because my reasons for being restless are now spinning through my head faster and louder than the cars travel during a NASCAR race.  
The last 48 or so hours have been a giant rollercoaster for me emotionally…  At some points I didn’t even know which way was up…  And at times I couldn’t even see my own worth.  
It’s been hard… 
It’s been hard to stop the tears from falling…  Hard to stop the pain… The gasping for air like I’m drowning…  
Because I have truly felt like I’ve been drowning.
I’m sure anyone who follows my blog or even keeps an eye on my Facebook wall will know, I met someone…  Someone special…  Someone who could talk to my heart, my soul, and my demons with just one glance…  
A very special someone who brought to the table his own set of strengths, weaknesses, and smiles….  
Someone who I truly met out of the blue…  
And he was there through some pretty big stuff…  An allergic reaction to a medication, ten rounds with my PTSD demons, some fear, some uncertainty, and a lot of laughs…  
We had started to grow something…  Fabulous…  
His name…  Jeff.  A very special person.   
Someone I am proud to say that I’m with…  
I think.
See, that’s where things get muddy.  Very muddy…  
He’s asked for a break…..  
I’m not a big believer in breaks…  I don’t believe they accomplish anything… Especially when I am as far removed from everything as I am….  
I watched ‘Friends’…   I do not believe that breaks accomplish anything.  
But he asked for a break…  So with a nod, I granted it…  
And my heart broke.  And I couldn’t breathe.  And I couldn’t remember my own worth.  And I forgot my own strength.  And I cried.  
And then…  Then 4 o’clock came along…   4 a.m…..  And my blog from yesterday popped into my head…  And I remembered it; every word…  
And I sucked in my breath….  And I held my daughter tighter…  And I reminded myself that yes, I am mad….  And I have every right to be….  Yes, I am hurt…  And I have every right to be…   I am confused…  And I have every right to be….  But I am still me.  I am still ME.  
I am PROUD to be with that man…  HAPPY to be with that man…  
He just needs time and space to figure out if he can feel the same way about me.  
If not, I will still be ME….  Strong, capable, creative, fun, funny, loving, caring, giving…  A SURVIVOR.  
Nothing will touch that.  
I will still be ME.  
And then Rob’s words popped into my head…  Don’t put your life on hold while he’s trying to figure out what he wants…  
And I realized that’s what I had done…  With all of my crying and all of my pain…  I had pushed pause…  
Then I saw a text on my phone…  Art…  How are you today?
I was honest… Why lie??  I have no reason to lie about how I am…  It gains me nothing….  So I told him the truth:  Not the best…  I don’t even want to get out of bed.  
He pulled on his rank and gave me what for “Kick yourself in the ass and get some coffee”
I did everything but scream “Yes Sergeant”  
While I was grumping about being up and thinking how great my bed would be…  Rob’s words again rolled up….  Don’t put your life on hold.
So then came the self-talk….  Get your shit together.  Get it together.  Who the hell do you think you are moping around on your pity pot.  Get your shit together, hold your head up and keep on keeping on.   You have a million things to do, that you HAVE TO DO while Jeff is searching his soul…  GET ON IT.  Quit being a sissy and move your ass.  It’s time to push play and check back in.  One day of grieving is all this situation deserves; more than this situation deserves.   GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.  
And I did.  
Breakfast, daycare drop, lawyer, dog bath, dog dry, dog drop, run, shower, work.  Phone calls in between.  
It’s been productive. 
Things are completely ready for Tuesday…   Weekend plans are taking shape…  My hair is a mess, my eyes are puffy, my nose is red and raw…  But I’ve checked back in and I’m gonna be okay.
No matter what he ends up deciding, I’m gonna be okay.  
Cause you know what…  I’m a survivor…  I’m a powerhouse…  I’m smart, funny, capable, competent, determined, driven, and I look pretty cute even when I’m up to no good…   ESPECIALLY when I’m up to no good…  
Right now I’m very Proud to say that Jeff and I are together; yes, we’re on a break, but we’re together..  We’re trying to navigate a bumpy patch the best way we can…  Hopefully he’ll hold out his hand one day soon and grab hold of the hand that I have held out to him…  
But if he decides not to…  
The sun will still rise, the moon will still set, and I will still be a strong, determined person who will one day find someone who will appreciate me for me…  Who will appreciate me every moment of every day…  Who will be Proud to be part of my journey to reach the stars.

I Am Who I Am….

And I can’t apologize for that…  I won’t apologize for that.

I’m strong, I’m determined, I’m driven….

I’m a good mom, a great mom….

I’m a good friend…  a great friend…

I’m a five foot tall one hundred and five pound powerhouse.

I move through life with the force of a hurricane.

I have a spirit that commands attention.

I have a heart that goes on forever if you let it.

I will love you from now until the end of time if you let me.

I cry real tears.

I feel real pain.

I bleed just like everyone else.

If I love you I will protect you with my life.

If you need me I will be there.

I will give the shirt off my back if I think it will help you.

I feel more deeply than the average person.

I cry with my soul.

I laugh with my heart.

I go big or go home with everything that I do.

And honestly, none of that is a crime; so I’m not going to apologize for being me.

I am me and I am proud of who I am.

I’m a survivor; a true survivor of many things that most people will never be able to comprehend.

Yes, that has made me hard, harsh, and abrasive.

But under that…  you’ll find someone who will love you till the end of time, stand beside you no matter what, stand in front of you if I felt that was needed…

You’ll find someone who will give their life for you if you just care about me enough.

And none of that is a crime…  None of it.

If anything, it makes me a great asset in life.

I was telling Glenda today that personally, if I were a guy, I’d give my left nut to have someone like me around…  someone who I know is capable, competent, who I wouldn’t have to cater to or babysit through every small task.  Someone who would love me fiercely no matter what, who would protect me if the need arose, who would have my back in any situation.  Someone strong and capable, creative, fun, funny…  Someone who knows how to laugh…  someone with a spirit that is bigger than life and a heart to match…

If I were a guy I’d give my left nut for that.

But I’m not…   I’m just me.  A survivor…  A survivor with flaws…  with cracks…  but with a heart of gold and a spirit that just won’t quit…

Why can’t I find anyone to appreciate that?  Why can’t I find anyone who wants to be part of that?  Who wants to cherish me for who I am, let me be me…  and marvel every day at the fact that they have my love and devotion?

I won’t feel bad about who I am or where I’ve been…  It’s all made me the person I am today…   and as lonely as I am being me, I’m happy with me…   I’m proud of me…  I’m proud of everything I have achieved to this point in life.

I just need to hope for someone who will be proud to call me theirs.

Two Posts, One Day…..

It has happened before.  It’s a rarity, but it has happened before…

The Two Posts in One Day kind of day….

Hello…  welcome back to my mushroom patch…  Pull up a chair and listen to my thoughts…..  Make yourself comfortable…

Make yourself right at home.

So the Silence that Speaks was broken this afternoon…  and was replaced with anger, fear, and frustration on his part…

Things didn’t go as smoothly as he had hoped.

One of his children took the talk that he tried to have quite badly.

And I can totally understand that…  Totally.

Fear, anger, hurt, anger, fear…  they all would have been swirling around in that child’s mind…   a mind that had not as of yet had to at all comprehend or deal with the fact that were handed to him quite some time ago because his parents have tried to do a great job with keeping the ‘status quo’…

While that is a novel idea…  no good can come from everyone still living under the same roof.  I am a member of the camp that firmly believes that causes confusion, hurt, and chaos for all involved.   I firmly believe that the grieving, healing, and moving on does not start until one person gets a new address.

So, he tried to be snippy with me…  which I can appreciate…  my child cries, I get right snippy too; but I reminded him that I did not deserve it.  He slowed his roll and talked to me.

That talk… well, it was a talk…

I know he’s scared…  I know he wants what’s best…  I know he wants to be happy…

But he’s stuck.   He feels like he’s drowning…

The only thing is, he’s ignoring the hand that is right there…  he just has to grab it and hold on.

Instead of doing that, he’s pushing that hand, and the person attached to that hand away.

It wasn’t a big push…  “I need a break…  I need time to fix this…  I need to do damage control.”

Okay, fine… sure…..  YOU NEED…   Not to sound like a crazy person here but, really, a break, what will that accomplish?  You have designed this entire relationship so that I’m not involved…  No one knows me…  So what will a break accomplish?  I’m already as far removed from everything as I can possibly be…  A break hunny equals break up.

He accused me of tossing ultimatums…

I tried to explain again…  I’m not involved…  What would a break accomplish?  Break from what???  You see me when it’s convenient for you… When your kids aren’t around… When your family isn’t around…  So you get two or three extra evenings a week at your house…  With your kids while they’re sleeping anyway…  With your ex wife there…

What would a break accomplish?

It would take away from you one person who is here to support you and hold their hand out to you when you feel like you’re drowning…

Someone that you say you love…

So what would a break accomplish?

He asked at one point if he could come by and talk to me after work…   Fine, yes, of course…  You’re always welcome here…  

I asked for the courtesy of a heads up if he was just coming over to break up with me…  Then I could have his stuff ready to go…  His drum stool that he loaned me for work…  His spark plug sockets that he loaned me…   His toothbrush…

That was around 2:30pm…

I haven’t heard a word since…

I don’t know what’s going on….

All I know is that my heart is sitting out right now…  Waiting…

And the silence is speaking…  Speaking volumes…

And the little bricklayers are busily putting up the walls again…  To protect my heart…  To protect me…

Building their walls…

Marking them with ‘Caution’.

The Silence….

You know the one…   We ALL know the one…   The Silence that Speaks silence…   The one that says a million words without saying a word at all.

I seem to be stuck in one of those right now…

And, as per usual; I don’t like it and I’m thinking about what it means…

After last night, it  could mean one of two things:
     He’s taking care of it.
 or…
     I’m getting the Fuck Off.

I’ve grown weary….  Very, very weary in fact of being ‘the broom’, ‘the mop’, the utensil to be put away in a closet only to be taken out when it’s convenient….

AKA:  The World’s Best Kept Secret.

And so I told him so.

I told him that with the recent events going on in his life, the above mentioned act of keeping me a secret is starting to make me wonder about every word that comes out of his mouth… About every move he makes…  About everything.

He apologized, said he knew it was wrong, said he was sorry for everything.

I said don’t be sorry, just don’t do it.  Either fix it or tell me to Fuck Off….  And for those who know me you damn well know I used those exact words.

He said Okay.  

And that’s the last I’ve heard from him.

No ‘good morning I hope you slept well’….   No ‘hi, enjoy your day’…   Nothing…

I’ve sent him a text saying good morning…

Nothing…

So, now I sit here…  My mind wandering…   Is he fixing the things that need to be fixed….

Or is his silence his way of saying very politely “Fuck Off”…

I guess we’ll know soon enough.

Until then, the silence is speaking.