Things Happen….

Life Happens….

Every day…  Every moment of every day Things Happen.  Life Happens.

And sometimes those things that happen, well, they leave you wondering…  Wondering sometimes on a grand scheme:
What is happening with the Universe?

On a slightly smaller scale:
What’s wrong with the World?

On a smaller scale still:
Look at this Country of ours!

On a more local scale:
What the hell is going on in this City?

Or, on a personal scale:
Am I really who I think I am?

I have to say, since my Birthday (And yes, thank you everyone for the recent wishes…  Thirty-seven…   Wow..  I never thought this would be my life at that age…  But that’s a chat for another day in my mushroom patch…  Okay??) I’ve been wondering quite often…

I put up a strong front…  a very strong wall.  I take on a lot.  I feel the problems of everyone around me and I try to sympathize and help everywhere that I think I can…

But am I really that person?  Am I really that strong?  Am I really strong enough to handle everything that I take on and tackle?

I think I may need to ponder this further because, as strong as I am…  I’m not sure…

Don’t get me wrong; I know I’m strong, I’m talented, I’m smart, I’m a whole lot of everything rolled into a tiny package…

But I think on some levels I’m not quite strong enough for some of the things that keep getting handed to me and that I keep picking up and trying to work with.

Because perhaps those things are not my business to work with….

Perhaps some things are just best left alone…

Perhaps some things are not meant to be fixed…

And I think I’ll be truly wise the moment I can see those thing for what they are and then just let them alone.

Perhaps then I’ll have more strength than I know because I won’t be wasting my strength and energy trying to fix what is not mine to fix…  Or what can’t be fixed…   Or what shouldn’t be fixed…

Perhaps then I’ll truly be able to see my own strength once I stop squandering it on things that aren’t in my best interest to squander my efforts on.

Perhaps.

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Confusion And Fear….

It’s there…  it’s all right there.

The move is coming up…  I’m puke on my shoes scared…  It’s to a city that I knew many, many years ago….  to a part of the city that I can’t get out of without using my GPS…  To a school for Wee that I’ve never heard of….  To new stores, new areas, new malls, new neighbours, new hurdles….

Hell, I even have to give up my Glenda because I’ll no longer be a resident of Elgin County.

The search has been on for a new ‘Glenda’…  but it’s a daunting task.   She is doing what she can to short list people for me…  and then it’s up to me.  Who can I trust enough with the truth.

I’m starting to feel like the answer to that is no one…  Not a soul.

I try to trust people with the truth, with my thoughts, with my feelings…  and, well, it all ends up going wrong.   They get mad.  I get hurt.  It’s all crap.

I try to talk to people… It ends up just a mess.

And then the confusion starts….  and that piles on top of the fear that I’m feeling right now…  the fear that is eating at my insides….

Who do I tell what to?  What is being told?  Who knows what?  Why is there always anger?  Why can’t I speak my peace?  Why am I feeling like my cries for help are being overlooked?  What the hell do I do?

What does ‘I’ll think about it mean’?

Right now, I’m not sure if I want to cry or throw up…  I’m really not…   All I know is that, amidst the stacks of boxes and the never ending list of things to do and the quickly dwindling summer, I’m in a panic…  I’m in quite a state….  and I feel like I’m there all alone…  Filtering what is going on…  Saying the minimum…  And holding on by a thread.

Walk A Mile….

We often hear that expression thrown around; often numerous times every day….

“If only people would walk a mile in my shoes then they’d understand.”

And I try…  Every day, in every dealing with people who deserve that thought from me, I do try…  I try to put myself in their shoes for even a second.  Even just one second.

But I have to wonder…  Do people give me the same courtesy?

I’m sure there are some of my friends; my nearest and dearest that do…  But I also know there are a few people out there that SHOULD, for just a moment, try to walk a mile, a minute, a second, in my shoes, and haven’t even tried.  Hell, they haven’t even tried to pull them on.

And that’s not fair.

That leaves me being treated like an afterthought.  A second-class citizen simply because they don’t think…

They don’t see….

They don’t want to see how their actions, words, and deeds affect me.

Or they don’t care to see.

Either way, it’s not right.  It’s not right at all.

And it stops here.  It stops here and now.

Because I don’t deserve it.

I deserve so much more.

I deserve heaven and earth.

I don’t deserve to be anybody’s after thought.  

Feelings And Perceptions….

Have you ever had something happen in life that has left you feeling totally violated….??  Like you’re standing in the middle of a crowded room with no clothes on…  nothing hiding who you are or what you feel or the way you think?

Well, I’ve had something like that happen recently….  and seriously, I feel totally violated.

And I hate it.

Someone who has no right at all knowing much of anything about me; or at least as much as they do; accessed my Facebook through someone else’s Facebook.

Now we all know I use my Facebook to keep in touch with people around the globe.  If you’re not on my Friend’s list, the only thing you have access to is anything that Facebook will not allow me to lock you out of.  You can’t see my wall, you can’t see my posts…  hell, you can’t even see an actual picture of ME from my Facebook page.

But, someone did access my Facebook.   Someone who I seriously didn’t want to have any more than the base knowledge of me…

How much did that person read?

Who knows.   That’s up for debate.  I know what I’m told but, really, it doesn’t ring true.

Why doesn’t it ring true?

Because if you’re inconsiderate enough to realize that you’re actually looking at a Facebook account that doesn’t belong to you and you don’t shut it down, you’re not going to stop with just reading a few emails…  You’re going to creep as much as you damn well please and gather all of the information that you feel is your right to gather.

Another reason that it doesn’t ring true is that I have been judged harshly, VERY harshly by the offending party….  The person who accessed my Facebook VIA the ‘middle man’s’ account has judged me very harshly and set some very unrealistic and unreasonable limits on me…

All because I’m honest with my Friends about who I am, where I’ve been, and the fact that I have PTSD.

So right now I’m torn….

Do I remove the ‘middle man’ whose account was used to access my account?  That doesn’t seem fair to me…  not fair at all.  Why should I have to be ‘punished’ for the bad behaviour of someone else?

Do I ask that the offending party be removed from the ‘middle man’s’ Facebook?  That doesn’t seem fair either…  that smells like an ultimatum…  I hate ultimatums…  No good comes from those.

Do I put the ‘middle man’ on a restricted profile?  Share nothing to ensure that there are no further breaches to what I feel is my personal space?  Again…  that doesn’t seem right…  but then again…  I’m so filtered on the ‘middle man’s’ profile that perhaps what’s good for the goose is good for the gander…

Do I keep my settings as they are and just stop sharing anything deep and meaningful on my Facebook?  Things like my blog…  Things like thoughts or feelings…  Do I just stop?

Do I say Fuck It and carry on?

On this one, I’d honestly like you, my dear readers, to weigh in…  

What would you do?

And Time Keeps Ticking….

Time passes when there is a lot to get done…  It passes at speeds that amaze even me.  It slips through your fingers like quicksilver….

But the actual moment that you’re waiting for the arrival of…  The actual date…  It always seems to stay just out of reach no matter how quickly time is passing.

It’s odd how that works.  Some weird quirk of physics.

There is much on the go right now…  and time, I can feel it slipping through my fingers…  but at the same time, most of the upcoming events, they’re so desperately out of reach that my patience is wearing thin.

I just want things done NOW.

I want to be able to start that new life that I am so looking forward to NOW.

I don’t want to wait any more.   I’m tired of counting the days.

I want it NOW.

The house…  the house that we will be calling home…  starting to build our future in…  So perfect.
The neighbourhood…  it seems amazing…

The laughter and love that will fill that house…  Endless.

I’d be lying if I said there won’t be tears and challenges…  We all know there will be…  Life isn’t always perfect…  But each and every one of those tears and challenges, if handled properly, will only make us stronger…  make our foundation even more solid…

There is so much greatness in the future…  so much…

And I can’t wait for that journey to begin…

Because there will also be love, caring, sharing, understanding, compassion, learning, growing….

Everything that greatness is built on.  

Everything will be in that new house…

Full of love…

I can’t wait…  can’t wait to be home…  to build a great home…

I can’t wait…

I hope everyone is as excited about this move as I am….

It’s gonna be great!

Day One…..

And my oh my what a day it has been……

Greg.  Thank you.  And thank you for being a birdie too.

Liz.  Thank you.  And thank you for listening to that birdie.

Tina.  Thank you for being you and being there.

Thank you all three for understanding, and listening, and not judging, and listening, and talking, and being, and…

Thank you.

Thank you.

There were a lot of tears today….  Rivers.  I started crying at 9:05 a.m. and really, to be honest, it hasn’t stopped yet.

I listen for her breathing….  It’s not there.

I listen for her laughter….  It’s not there.

I listen for her sing-song voice…  It’s not there.

And then my heart hurts because I know it won’t be there until Sunday….  aside from a few moments here and there because, well, this schedule is already proving to not be working as well in for really real life as it does on paper.

Week two and there are already issues…

Who saw this coming???   Rob, you can put your hand down.

But I miss her…  oh do I miss her…  Her warm little hand…  Her hugs; she gives the best hugs….  Her smile…  Her laugh….  Her HER-NESS….

I miss her.

*sigh*

Even….

Even the words have fallen silent today….

For those of you who give a shit, try not to worry if I fall off the map.

For those of you who don’t give a shit….  Carry on.

Worry if it’s Sunday night and the words are still silent.