Fate, Chance, And Circumstance…..

Sometimes in life you just have to let the cards fall where they will…  

Sometimes, before you fight what is going on in life, you need to take a big step back and look at how events are unfolding and then understand that where you end up is a result of HOW those events unfolded.

And sometimes events unfold the way they do simply because where you are is where you are meant to be.

That does not mean that life won’t flow and change and your Destiny won’t point you somewhere else at some time in the future…  but that means that right at that precise moment, no matter how horrible or absolutely perfect that moment may be, you are right where you are supposed to be, surrounded by the people you are supposed to be with, living the life you are supposed to live…

Call it Fate, call it Destiny, call it god…  Call it what you want…

You can’t fight what is meant to be.

And really, you shouldn’t try….

Because if all of the powers that be have reached out a hand and made very obvious changes to how things have occurred at certain moments in time, then there is no fighting what is going on. You are where you are meant to be.  You are with the people you are meant to be with.  Trying to change that will only end up with you on a confusing journey that will then take you full circle back to where you are supposed to be.

So why fight it?

It’s like taking an alternate route to your destination for some completely unknown to you reason and then finding out when you reach your destination safely that there was a horrible accident or some kind of misadventure along your normal route that could have altered everything for you.

Obviously you were not meant to be there so Fate reached out a hand and gave you a nudge.

I had one of those moments this weekend…  a pretty big one actually…  and it has left me quite at peace with the fact that, though things were not always great before, I am right where I am supposed to be right at this moment, surrounded by those I am supposed to be surrounded by.

And so far, cautiously, it has been great…

Will there be bumps in the road?  Yes…

Will it always be perfect?  No…

But am I resolved to do my part and fix what’s bent?  Yes.

And he is too…

Sometimes For Things To Heal…..

Well, it’s been a long week since the move.   Emotions have been high, there has been a lot of stress, and a lot of changes for Wee and I; some of them Fabulous….  Some of them are still new and raw and painful.

But that simple fact, the fact that there is pain right now takes me back to a conversation I had last night with my little one in the bathroom while I was digging thorns out of my hands with a needle:

Mommy, what are you doing?
I’m using a needle to get the thorns out of my fingers dude.
Where did the thorns come from?
The back yard when I was cleaning it up and not wearing gloves.
Oh.  *insert thoughtful pause*  Does it hurt?
Yeah it does a bit but sometimes babe for things to get better they have to hurt a whole lot worse first.
Oh.

And that conversation right there is what started the final ball rolling I think.

There had been a ball rolling for quite some time.   Then promises would be made, words would be said, apologies, promises, blahblahblah.  Then the breaking of promises and hearts would begin anew within a few days.

Then last night…  All the shit hit the fan and I had enough.  And I got honest.  And I told him exactly what I thought of him and his actions.

I’m not one for name calling but honestly, it was kind of therapeutic in a way to tell him that I thought he was as crazy as a shit house mouse and needed extensive therapy and drugs and that he and his ex deserve each other.

So today, here I sit, in the new house that Wee and I picked, surrounded by our things, with friends in my phone reassuring me that I’m a good person…  And I’m wondering why they see that ‘goodness’ in me but other people don’t.   Why is it that Jeff couldn’t take five minutes in his day and see that, you know what, I’m a damn good person and I deserve better.

Perhaps my perceived goodness only exists in my head; like his perfect world exists in his?  Is that possible?

Or perhaps he just managed to shake my belief in myself so thoroughly with his actions that right now, I’m having a hard time seeing that I am a good person and that there are people out there who believe that?

Because I have to say, sure, the good times were good…  But the bad times, they were destructive; emotionally destructive to me.  And those times were getting more and more frequent and the damage was getting more and more complete.

I’m just glad the damage didn’t extend too far beyond me and touch Wee in any way that runs too deep.  I’m glad I was able to find the strength to end it before any lasting damage was done to her.

For now, yes, there is pain…  And the pain is deep…  But I firmly believe that that pain will bring healing for Wee and I…

That pain is the start of the healing process….

And her and I are going to go great places and do great things together…  Just the two of us…

And maybe one day in the far future someone will come along worth my daughter’s time.

Until then…   It’s me, Wee, and Our Journey.

So Much To Do….

Or at least it feels that way….

But I think I’ve got it pretty under control.  I think we’re ‘ready’.

I’m going to spend the next three days tying up some files at work, getting a few things handed in, finalizing some stuff….

And once that’s done, it’s all about finishing the packing and preparing for the move.

The move.

I can’t believe it’s here.

Saturday night Jeff looked at me:
“Can you believe this is your last weekend here, in this house?”

I can honestly say that, until that moment, it really hadn’t hit home that yes, this is it…  This is… Really…  It.

Kelly dropped by briefly on Friday to pick up some things that I had to give her for a charity yard sale that she was running.  I hugged her so tight and realized in that moment that I had made a lot more friends who meant a lot to me than I had thought during my time here.

The thought of leaving the security of those friends has me nervous…

All of those great people who have been there…  Who have helped out…  Who have walked with us and made sure that we’ve always had everything that we’ve ever needed; including a strong shoulder to cry on, a hot cup of tea when loneliness and fear hit, a kind and sympathetic ear when life just got to be too big.

It’s sad to be leaving the close proximity of those people…  Those great people…

No; we’re not moving an impossible distance away; far from it…  But it is a bit more of a journey than just across town or around the corner.  And, I know that distance is not always the best thing for even the strongest of relationships.

I do have hope that many of the friendships that I have built during my time here will continue on after our move….

And I have more hope that the relationships that I have worked to nurture in the city that we’re moving to will become stronger because of or now closer proximity.

There are many changes coming up for me and my Wee.  She is excited.  She can’t wait.  Every day:
“Is today the day we’re going to our new house Mommy?”
“Not today dude.  Soon thought.  I promise.  Soon.”
“Okay Mommy.  Soon.”

She can’t wait.   She loves helping with the sorting and the packing.  She loves the whole adventure that we’re on.

Me, I’m busy worrying myself sick and driving everyone crazy.  Driving myself crazy.

Five more sleeps….  Or regular person sleeps anyway.

Five more…

Then the truck arrives…

But really, things begin rolling and moving and leaving town and arriving at the new house in four more sleeps…

By this time next week…  It will be a new book.  Not just a new chapter in the story… A new book…  A new Once Upon a Time….

Brand new…  No marks…  Fresh pages…

And perhaps this time we’ll find our Happily Ever After.

I have hope that we will.

The Struggle For Sanity….

Well, the countdown is really on.  It’s now crunch time.  We’re into the single digits until the move. At this time next week I hope, with Jeff’s help, to have many things moved into the new house to make things easy and efficient when the movers show up bright and shiny early on Friday to complete the move.  Essentially if it isn’t in a box, it’s getting moved before the movers arrive.  The only cumbersome thing the movers are going to have to handle; the TV.

And honestly, I can’t wait till this damn moved is done!!!  It’s driving me crazy.  The chaos.  The clutter.  The boxes.  The ‘where is the god damned — oh wait, packed it’…

And that god forsaken drive every day twice a day to get Wee to her ‘big girl school’.

FORTHELOVEOFGOD I can’t wait till I don’t have to make that drive any more.

Yes, I have managed to get the drive down to 35 minutes each way.  That’s one hour and ten minutes on the road twice a day.  Two hours and twenty minutes a day.  Listening to Splash ‘N Boots.

If I hear Coconut the Squirrel one more time I’m going to drive into a tree.

I adore you Nick and Taes…  But really…  Please understand…  Your music, amazing…  What you guys do…  Amazing…  But at 37, there’s only so much Antelopes Love Cantaloupes one person can take.

Top that off with the fact that I am having to drag a three-year-old out of bed at half past stupid in the morning to ensure that she is at school on time.  And then to make up for the two and a half hours that I’m sitting in traffic daily instead of at my desk, I’m having to work till half past retarded every night.

Seriously.  I’m tired.  I’m burnt right out.

The move needs to happen NAOW.

And I can’t wait till it does…  Can’t wait.  It’s gonna be GREAT…  FABULOUS even…

I know Wee is excited…  It’s starting to become ‘real’ for her…  She’s asking a million questions every day about how it will be and how it’s going to work and what she’ll be doing and….

The list goes on and on.

I’m so glad she’s excited.

And I think she’s excited because she’s loving her new ‘big girl school’ so much.

There was a lot of hesitation and first.   She knew the change was coming.  I let her decide when she was starting (Before the move with all of the other kids or after the move baby?  Before Mommy.  It’ll be better that way.  Okay dude, done.).  I let her pick her school stuff.  I let her help me with the school shopping.   It was all a ‘very big deal’ and I made it as fun and exciting as I could.

But there were still tears.   There was still anger.   There was still fear.

Thankfully Rob was there to listen to me rant like an idiot about it all.

Jeff was there to prop me up and reassure me that what she was going through was normal.

They were both there to reassure me that I was doing the right thing and that she would settle in.

And settle in she did.

Now there are no tears – ‘You can go now Mommy, I’m fine.’

There is no fear – ‘Is it time for school Mommy.  I want to go to school now.  I want to see my friends.’

There is no anger – ‘Mommy, I love you.  And I love my new big girl school too.  I’m sorry I was mad at you.  You were right.  I have fun there.’

YES!!!!  One point for Mommy!!!

Now I just have to get the move done, get the place unpacked, and watch her settle in there.  Watch us both settle into our new routine, our new life….

Our fresh start…

With, hopefully, something other than Splash ‘N Boots as the soundtrack.

Another Milestone…..

It seems like life is full of them….  All marching and passing one right after another.

Tomorrow is a huge one…  Well to me it is.  Huge.

My Wee’s first day of ‘Big Girl School’.

WHATTHEHOLYHELLISGOINGON?   Time needs to stop.  It needs to slow down.  It needs to just let me breathe for a moment.

Wee is as excited as all get-out.  Who’s my teacher?  Where’s my school?  What’s it look like?  Mommy is it time yet?  Mommy can I use my new backpack?  Mommy don’t forget my new shoes.  Mommy will my new friends like Splash ‘N Boots?

The questions and excitement…  ENDLESS.

Except for me.

I’m all hopped up on Gravol right now to stop the puking.  Seriously.   Not kidding.  Had to take Gravol.

I’m such a sissy.

Yes Rob…  Laugh…  Laugh it up clown…  I know you’ll find my state funny….!!  Go ahead laugh…  I’d laugh but…  Well…  Gravol just makes me sleepy.

I can’t believe…  School.   For really real school.   Not fake ‘school’…  Not Daycare…  School.

Oh god…  

How do parents do this???  

Packing her first lunch…  Weighing the options…  OHGOD!!!  How do parents do this???!!!!!

I’m gonna go cry right now…  

I can’t believe my baby…   MY WEE is going to SCHOOL….

Please let her love it.  Please.

Please let her have an easier time of it than I did.  Please.

Please let her be brave and strong and happy.  Please.

Please let the other kids be kind.  Please.

Please give her the strength, knowledge, and wisdom to handle everything that is going to come her way in the rapidly passing years to come.

Please.