I Just Don’t Know….

How is it that one person can delude themselves so fully about a situation and think that what is occurring is okay for so long that it drags into depths so painful that they can no longer see the light of day?

How is it that someone so observant can miss so much?

How is it that I felt it was okay for the pattern of emotional neglect and psychological games to continue for so long?

Why is it that I now feel the need to create a chart of all of the above instances of neglect and hang it on my wall as a reminder as to how horrific things really were?

Or perhaps it’s a way for me to heal…  Perhaps it’s a way to remind myself that not only did I give ample opportunity for this to be fixed, but that none of the problems were me, of my making.  None of this horror was in my mind.

Writing it down has dragged the truth screaming into the light…

And what a story that list tells…..

What a tangled story of lies, mistreatment, broken promises, hurtful behaviour, selfishness, and inconsiderate actions that list tells.

He never cared about us.

Look at this list and it says that we were just being used.

He never gave one good god damn about us.

Look at this list and it screams of how selfish and inconsiderate he is.

Everything was a lie…  Told by a very skilled liar…  A very skilled liar with some very deep psychological issues.

And now he’s gone…  Back to the house to live with his ex wife and kids.  His choice.  He feels that is where he should be.  He feels that that is where his life is best lived.

And that’s fine.

Because at least the stress is no longer here infecting this house…  Infecting Wee and me.

At least I no longer have to hear one more lie or be subjected to one more moment of emotional torment, emotional berating, or neglect.

At least Wee and I can pick up and heal…  And enjoy each other…  And learn to love each other more deeply than we did before.

The walls are up though; thicker and stronger than ever…

And it’s gonna be a long, cold day in hell before I let anyone who I don’t already trust with my life near my life again.

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At What Point…..

At what point do you decide enough is enough and you just step back from everything,  stop fighting to hold frayed ends together, and just try to focus on everything in life that doesn’t seem to be falling apart?  

At what point do you just stop trying to repair, fix, mend, or hold together everything that appears to be constantly in a state of disrepair?
At what point do you decide enough is enough?  

How To Decide….

So many decisions; so little time.

And really, how do you know at the end of the day that the decisions that you made that day were the RIGHT decisions?  How do you know which path you should follow?  Which road you should take?  Or when you should just tighten your laces and blaze a new trail?

How do you know?

There are a few decisions I’ve been waffling on lately; mostly because I feel….  Stuck.

And I feel stuck because, well, since the move, settling in, it’s been hard.

Sleep hasn’t been plentiful.

Eating; I do it when I have to.

Exercise; ummmm…..?

I’m feeling unsettled.  Alert.  Cautious.  About everything.

My neighbours have noticed.

“Your lights are on at all hours.  Don’t you sleep?”
“Your door was open the other night at 3 a.m. when I was up with my newborn.  Are you okay?”
“I saw you on your front step at 2 a.m. the other day.  Is everything okay?   You know you can knock on our door if there’s a problem and you’re home alone, right?  We’ll help.”

Kind people.  Caring people.

It’s a pretty tight-knit street that we’ve moved onto.  Everyone knows everyone.  Everyone says hi; once they get to know you.  Everyone tries to give a shit about everyone else.

And people are noticing that the new neighbour is a bit off.

Sigh.

I have a lot of big decisions to make…  Because there is much going on in life right now that is directly affecting me.  Everything from my work weighing heavy on my mind to the best decisions to make to what to do to with some situations to how to handle other situations to deciding what is and is not my problem to deal with to….  Well, everything.  Life really.

Big decisions.   And they all weigh a million pounds; or so it seems.

Perhaps this move was a horrible idea.

It feels like I have no safety net.

It feels like that has disappeared.

I feel adrift…  Quite alone really….  Especially since Saturday night…

Time…. Or Lack Of It….

Every time I turn around since the move it seems that me and time are having an argument….  and it always seems to go something like this:

‘One more hour…  I just need to do a few more things before I call it a day.’
‘You don’t have it…  you have to get your daughter up in three more hours… It’s time to call it now.’
‘But I need to get this done because *insert list of things to do that HAVE TO get done tomorrow*’
‘Your time has run out on today.  There are only twenty-four hours in a day.  This day is done.  Tomorrow is here.’
‘But dammit I’m not done yet!!!’
‘Too bad.’

Time.

You and I just aren’t getting along.

Not right now.

I just need a bit more….

I just need an extra hour or two every day….

Maybe if I sleep less….

Sigh.

Time….

You’ve never really been my friend…  never really been on my side….

Take now for example.  Sitting here, writing, thinking, pondering…  a million thoughts, all screaming to get out…

Eyes dart to the clock.

*sigh*

No time for thoughts tonight…  Not to write them out anyway…

Perhaps tomorrow.

Perhaps tomorrow I can write what is begging to be written….

Perhaps.

If time is my friend.

Time…

A twenty-eight hour day would suit me just fine.