We All Have Our Things….

You know them…  the things you wish you could stop doing… the things that annoy even you right at the moment that you’re doing them…  or the things that, well, they happen so often and are so common, that you now do them completely unnoticed until someone points it out…

They’re your best friend and worst enemy all at the same time….

They’re your quirks.

And yes, I have my share of them…  actually, to be quite honest, I have my share, and your share, and your best friend’s share, and…  well, you get it…  I have a lot of them.

Some examples…

Working with poultry…  I will wash my hands, any surface, utensil, pot, or pan that comes within five feet of that poultry no less than 100 times (yes, feel free to come for dinner and count) during the course of preparation and cooking.  *sigh*

Another kitchen quirk:

RE-JARRING….  *insert horror movie level scream*…  I CANNOT re-jar…

Let me explain:

Take pickles out of jar…  put them on a fancy plate on the table for a meal.  If that shit doesn’t make it off the plate, it goes in the garbage, not back in the jar.

Another example:

Measure out ingredients for something…  if you measure too much…  too damn bad…  that shit goes in the garbage… not back in the original container….

Another example:

A plate of any kind of food on the table…  if it doesn’t come with a serving fork, the chances of me even having a second helping are non-existent…  AND at the end of the meal, anything not finished, that’s right folks…  garbage.

I cannot bring myself to re-jar.  It literally shorts out something in my brain.

Another quirk:

I polish the taps after every time I use them.  I don’t care how sparkly they are…  polish.

The list…  yes it goes on and on and on and on…  and some of them are down right embarrassing… Some of them bring me to tears…  And some of them make me laugh so hard it hurts…

Do I wish I didn’t have them?  Sure…  sometimes…

Do I wish I could get rid of them…  Well, sort of…  but at the same time, they’re comfortable… they’re very comfortable for me…  They’re a way to control parts of my environment and make me feel safe and secure and…  like things are okay in the world…

And without that sense of security and ‘okay’…  well, things can get pretty haywire if they want to….

So I accept my quirks for what they are…  a way for me to keep things ‘normal’ in an abnormal world…  a way for me to maintain order and control and a sense of security….

I laugh at the ones I can…

I shrug off the ones I can’t laugh at….

And I keep on polishing those taps.

Sometimes….

Sometimes the worst feeling in the world that you can feel is alone.

Sometimes, even with a million people around you, touching in, keeping track, you can’t help but feel alone…..

And that IS a lonely feeling.

Very lonely indeed.

Wee is back to school.   Oh, shit, no, wait.  That’s someone else’s kid.

My Wee…  Back for two days, off the bus yesterday “Mommy, my belly really hurts again”

FORTHELOVEOFFUCK you have to be kidding me?!?!?!?!

Sigh.

Yes, I’ve done all the ‘mother shit’.  She’s been to the doctor; testing…  He can’t find any reason… Wait for the test results and take it from there.

HELL.

Throw on top of that the fact that I’m just barely struggling to reach the end of my work’s ‘crazy season’…

The fact that I’m not sleeping…

The fact that chocolate and tortilla chips seem like a great idea every day to sustain me because, well, I need that big, comfortable hug that bad-for-you food can provide…

Add on a large splash of WAYTOOMUCH coffee…

A cold that just won’t quit…

Grief, loss, and sorrow that has left my heart feeling like an empty cavern….

And before you know it, you have the blubbering mess that I have become…

Thankfully, despite his own hiccups and battles, Jeff has still been able to help to prop me up….

Because he’s still struggling too…

Thankfully no where near as badly as it was before he started reaching out and getting the help for his depression that he saw he needed…

But there are still waves…

But we take it one day at a time…

I’ve been doing a lot of research, reading, self-educating, and simply just talking to people lately. Some of those people have depression; some of those people know someone who has depression, some of those people are simply just my friends; people who are there to listen and give me a shoulder any time I need one…..

In all of the research and talking that I’ve been doing, I’ve found one common theme…

Depression is one bitch of a disease.

And I’ll agree with that; one hundred percent….

I live for the moments when he is him…  When he smiles…  When that light enters his eyes… When the for-really-real Jeff is poking fun at me or laughing with me or finding some silly line to quote that will just make me laugh till I damn near pee my pants.

I live for those moments.

Thankfully, they are frequent.

But the darkness…  It can still be dark…  Very dark…  And neither of us like those times…  They feel like, honestly, like all of the gears just sprang out of an over-wound clock… And there are cogs everywhere…  And the cuckoo is hanging out of the clock by it’s spring…

We both end up weary…  Grasping for hope…  Grasping to remember the one liners that make us laugh so hard that the children think we’re crazy…

Maybe we should start a jar…  Or a container…  Things that have happened that make us smile… Make us laugh…  A jar that will remind us of the great and be our rescue rope when it feels like the dark is getting too deep…

Maybe something like that will help to remind us about how great it can all be…  And help shine some light in the darkness that does come knocking on occasion….

At least until he’s stronger and can remember all of those times by himself without the reminders…

At least until I am stronger and can remember that it’s not me…  It’s depression…

Maybe a happiness jar will help to chase away the bad.

Hm.

Maybe I’m onto something here.

Sometimes Things Just Click…..

Well, here we are…  2014….  Wow.

It’s gonna be a great year…  Really, it already has.  Really.

How, you might ask, can it be so damn great only three days in???  Well, let me explain:

For anyone who follows my blog, you know.
For anyone near and dear and TRUSTED, you know.

Things haven’t always been easy with Jeff and I.  The smiles have dwindled at times.  Sometimes there have been feelings of loss and a desire to just give up.  Sometimes there have been ‘breaks’. Sometimes there have been honest-to-god-blow-your-fucking-mind breakdowns.

In short, it hasn’t always been pretty.

But we/he/I…  There’s been holding on…  There’s been hope.

Well, recently, and honestly, I CAN tell you the exact moment that this happened; something has changed…  There’s been a huge change…. And it’s been in Jeff.

That change has brought a sense of security.

And that change, well, it’s brought hope back to my heart and made us feel like a for-really-real us…  And made our home feel like an actual home filled with love and caring and hope and compassion and togetherness….  And less like a machine that was built well and just running.

I’m sure some of you are sitting back scratching your head right now and thinking that I’ve finally flipped my rails…  But I’m sure there are some of you that are nodding and getting my meaning.

There’s a big difference between working because you have to and working because you WANT TO.

Now, don’t get me wrong, no one ever held a gun to anyone’s head and said make it work…  But I think that our hope was so strong that we held on waiting (sometimes impatiently) for this very moment that I speak of to arrive…  The moment when everything would just CLICK and we would finally feel secure in what we are working on and working towards.

Well, that moment arrived in late 2013…  And, really, it’s been very peaceful since…  There’s been a feeling of…  Home.

While I dare not speak for anyone else because there is nothing worse than having what are thought to be your feelings and thoughts told to everyone by someone else, I do dare say that there is a look of peace and contentment that is now in Jeff’s eyes.

It’s nice to see….

And that contentment that now fills the house has made it easier for me to start to do the things that I need to do…  The things I have been putting off.

Yes, even I procrastinate.

Some of these things are things that Jeff looks at me every once in a while and says ‘you need to…’….

And I know I do…

But sometimes, sometimes you just don’t want to.

I read a friend’s blog tonight.  We’re not best buds.  Hell, we may never, ever again see each other in the ‘real person’.  But I still consider her a friend because I know if I have a question and I think she could give advice or answers, I know I can turn to her and she’ll be kind and honest.

But reading her blog, her most recent blog post:

http://lifewithladies.com/why-dont-you-write-anymore/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=why-dont-you-write-anymore

well, it has started the wheels in motion for me to get to work on one of those things that I keep putting off.

Grieving.

I suffered some pretty big losses in 2013; the last two, I’ve barely shed a tear over.

Hell, I’m still procrastinating any decisions that I need to make…

Why?

Because I don’t want it to be real.

But it’s time.

It’s time to feel the pain, realize the losses, and start to heal.

The longer I put it off, the longer the healing will take.

And the worse the pain will be.

So it’s time…

Now I just have to make the time to make the decisions that I need to make, sign the papers that I have to sign, and start the process of healing and remembering Geoffrey and Merry.

It is time.  

And because of the security that I now feel in our home and with Jeff in general; and the strength that he is showing in his every day battles; I know I am okay to now start the process of healing…. Of grieving…  Of missing….

And he will be there…

Our family will be there…

Our friends will be there…

And I’ll make it through that process okay.