The last few days have truly been a roller coaster of emotions, feelings, thoughts, smiles, tears, and quiet contemplation.
I’ve been leaning on a couple of my friends pretty hard…
I’ve been fearing that after all that Wee and I have been through, well, honestly, I’ve been looking in the mirror wondering if perhaps I wasn’t sliding into a depression of my own because really, how long can you be strong under the weight of someone else’s illness before you finally slide into one of your own?
And his illness, for those of you who know the full story, know it hit hard and fast. There was always something ‘off’ about how he would handle things or decisions that he would make… But in about an eight to ten week time-frame he went from ‘okay’ to so completely off his rails that most days, I didn’t know who I was dealing with from one moment to the next.
And there was so much fear and anxiety for me in that way of life…
And then, add on top of that all of the things that would be said to emotionally tear me down….
Pile on top of that the day-to-day stresses that we all face as well as a stressful and emotionally trying job, single-parenting a toddler, and my own demons that I face daily….
It’s no wonder to me that I looked in the mirror one day, with tears streaming down my face, and texted Rob:
“What are the chances of me sliding into depression?”
I think on some levels I’m doing okay. It’s definitely one day at a time… But I think for the most part, I’m actually starting to do okay.
I’ve picked up the shattered pieces of our lives… I’ve dusted some of them off and started piecing them back together; and some I have disposed of entirely.
I’ve picked up and examined all of my emotions… Some will be dealt with each time I see Layla or Glenda… And others I’m finding the strength and the knowledge to deal with on my own.
I’ve picked up my heart… And I’ve tucked that away in a safe place.
I can honestly say I’m over him… But I’m not over the damage that he did. The damage, that’s going to take a lot of work to get past.
No one can see the things I saw, experience the things he put us through, hear the things we heard without some damage….. No one.
So the work is being done to get us past that damage…. Anything that Wee needs, she’s getting and I’m seeing my counsellors as often as I can and keeping in touch with my family doctor.
Thankfully we have great professionals and amazing friends to help pull us through this.
And honestly, I think once we get everything all sorted out and dealt with, I think her and I will come back stronger than before. And I don’t think it will take us too long to get there either.
It’s just dealing with the unanswered questions; the questions that will NEVER have answers; and coming to terms with the fact that his illness wasn’t our fault and there was nothing that we could have done to stop him from getting as sick as he did; if it didn’t happen now, it would have happened eventually.
But, while we heal… And while we repair the damage… And while we move past it all and do the work necessary to move past it all… We’re still having fun. We laugh, we play, we have fun….
Because what good is building a better and stronger version of yourself if you leave out the love and the fun??