Technology And Technological Advances…..

Oh the strides we’ve made…..  

Medications….
Surgical advancements…..  
Computers….
Internet….
Cellular Phones…..
Social Media…..

The list goes on.  

And we have all been touched by these advances, these strides, these modern-day miracles….  

Every.  Single.  One.  Of.  Us. 

Sometimes these advances are a blessing.  Medications to get us well, keep us well, prolong our lives.  Technological advancements to make life easier, quicker, more at our fingertips.  Cellular phones so that, no matter what the situation, we’re always in touch.  Social Media to keep us up-to-date on what our friends feel we need to know about….  

Hell, I can sit here right now and think about the million ways that my life is so much better thanks to all of that.  

But, on the flip side of that coin, there are the drawbacks….

Medications to keep you well…  what price will you pay with side-effects?  
Cell phones to keep you in touch….  but sometimes you need a break.
Computers to help you with your work and your personal affairs…  until they break.
Social Media to keep us up-to-date on our friends and loved ones who are near and far…  

Until it is forgotten that Social Media means PUBLIC and not PRIVATE…  and at some point, every event that you attend, every comment that you make, everything that you do on a Social Media site will end up PUBLIC knowledge…  and sometimes, sometimes, those comments, those events, those actions…  well, they hurt someone that you really didn’t mean to hurt.  

I’m a good person by nature.  I don’t lie.  I won’t lie.  I pride myself on being a good friend; a great friend.  I have a strong moral fiber.

I am just BUILT to be good:  to be the one person you know you can always bring your shit to and you’re never going to be judged because of it; to be the one person who you know, when your back is against the wall, I’ll be right there with you helping you through it; to be the one person whose door is always open at any hour of any day, and a kind shoulder and an open ear is always there.  

I’m also not one to get petty about shit….  I don’t stomp my feet and demand that everyone else ‘Unfriend’ someone because we’ve had a falling out…  I don’t demand that because someone is out of my life, they must be out of your life too….  I don’t throw the ‘yeah well you’re MY FRIEND’ card around.

And I think the biggest reason for that is because, as a friend, I know there are a lot of things that I would not ever do; and I think I’ve been naive to think that all of my friends thought and felt and would act the same way…  

I would not go to see your ex’s band play.  There are other fucking bands.  And if there aren’t, rent a fucking movie.  
I would not toss around a great joke about how your ex was being hit on all night.  Haha, that’s funny shit.
I would not comment on how great everything was that night, how great everyone looked…  How great your ex looked…. How happy your ex seems…  Are you fucking kidding me?  For reals?   

And the reason I would not do these things; because I’m YOUR FRIEND and I don’t want to hurt you with my actions…  

I am YOUR FRIEND…   My loyalty is to you and the friendship that we have.

Friendship means a lot to me…  My friends…  My true friends…  It’s more than just a ‘yeah we’re buddies, we grab a beer’….  

No.

Some of my friends I’ve stood shoulder-to-shoulder with…  Looked death in the eye with…  Been willing to lay my life down for.  
Some of my friends have opened their doors and their lives and their homes to me at the drop of a hat during some of the hardest and darkest times in my life.
Some of my friends have been a sounding board for some of the most troubling incidences that any one person could ever imagine facing.  

Our friendship is much, much more than ‘Hey yeah, I know their name….’….  

And I would like to hope that those friends would all give ME the same respect I would give THEM…  That my friendship and my feelings mean as much to them as theirs do to me…  

Honestly, if one of my friends came to me with stories of the horrors that another person put them through, ‘unfriending’ that person would be the first god damned thing I would do.  

If one of my friends told me stories of a person disappearing for hours on end only to reappear drunk, with no explanation for the hours missing; the only clue to what that person had been up to would be the booze on their breath and the cuts that would be found on their body that my friend would provide first aid care for….  The LAST god damned thing I would be doing on a Friday night would be wasting my time going to support that person’s band.  

If one of my friends told me about the horrors only getting worse; having to involve the police, having to call paramedics, having to shelter their child as well as the children of the other person from that person’s actions and unstable state…  Believe you me, I wouldn’t waste one single LOL on any fucking comment that had anything to do with that person being hit on all night.  I’d likely secretly sit back and hope that person got the clap or something; but I definitely wouldn’t drop an LOL.  

But perhaps that’s just me…   Perhaps I hold myself to a higher standard that most people could ever consider….  

Or perhaps I’m just being petty and over-sensitive….  

Or perhaps, maybe perhaps, there are some people that need to re-evaluate their place in my life and gracefully back away.  

I’m trying very hard to close the door on that section of my life…  To let that part go….  Because, really, I don’t live there anymore…  And I don’t want to…  

I was built for bigger and better things than everything that happened during that period in my life. 

My friends will help me close that door….  

My friends will support me…  

My friends will love me… 

Unconditionally. 

 

Pete, Greg, Liz….   Thank you for the unconditional ear and the love today.  

Thank you for being my friends.  

 

 

 

 

YAY FRIDAY!……

It’s been a week….  One hell of a long week.  But a good week.  Nothing blew up, broke down; the house wasn’t World War Three….. But it just felt like one LONG ASSED week.

But at least there was good news.

Wee’s Dance Teacher is happy to have her move ahead to the next class next year; she feels she is ready.  YAY!

I managed to find some swim classes that are run by the city that fit around our hectic schedule at pools that Wee and I know and love at a price that I can afford.  YAY!!

Wee saw her Surgeon on Wednesday for a recheck.  Everything has healed up very well with no scar tissue to worry about; and the Pathology Report came back perfect; severe appendicitis.  YAY!!!

And then Thursday my doctor sat with me and went over all symptoms and side-effects and juggled my medication around, dropped some of the doses, and told me I’m doing great; he’s very proud.  He was also very excited to hear that I have found a specialist that deals with PTSD who does CBT as well as animal therapy.  He is also completely happy to fill out any forms that I need filled out to plead my case to the VA to get anything that I need and to get the ball rolling there with as little stress to me as possible.  He’s also very approving of the direction my therapy is going as well as the suggestions and recommendations the therapist is making and the request the therapist is sending off to the VA and to Ottawa on my behalf.  Now his biggest concern is how to get me to stop sleepwalking.

That’s becoming a bit of a concern for me too….

Oh, and I got a wicked good deal on aluminum rims for my summer tires for my car….  So now we have bling!   YAY!!!!!

Oh…  And I have a ‘date’ tonight…  Dinner….

And it looks like spring may be trying to make an appearance…..

What isn’t there to feel great about???!!!

Is It Time….

Sometimes in life we make decisions…  

Sometimes those decisions prove to be the best decisions we’ve ever made in more ways than they can be considered bad….

And sometimes those decisions prove to be the worse decisions we’ve ever made in more ways than they can be considered good….  

Right now, I’m stuck in the muck with the fallout of a decision…  Still trying to weigh if it was the best or the worst.  

Honestly, I’m leaning towards the worst.  

And it’s getting to the point where I think it may be time to look at and seriously consider undoing the done; fortunately this is one of those decisions that can be undone.  

But if I undo the done…  Where will we go…?  Back to where waters were calm; where friends were blocks away; where play-dates were plentiful for Wee; where it was not always happy but always peaceful?  

That’s a thought.

Or should I pick a whole new place altogether and do my homework and pick a place where I’ll fit….?

That’s a thought too.  

Or do I just stay here…  In this house…  In this place…  Where happy seems to be just out of reach…  Where, once the sun sets, the rooms echo with the memories that haunt my dreams…  Where I just don’t feel like I ‘fit’…..?  

Hell, the memories that I struggle with are enough to make me want to pack my bags tonight and get the fuck out of dodge….  

The memory of the sound of him walking up behind me at the kitchen sink to give me a hug quickly morphs to the sound of his hand slamming the counter so hard that he cracked it.  
The memory of the sound of laughter quickly morphs into the sounds of him screaming at me, at the police, at the paramedics….  Or the harsh sounds of him blaming me for everything…  Or the cruel words that he could toss around at the drop of a hat.  
The memory of evenings curled up watching a movie quickly morphs into endless times with me curled up somewhere, crying quietly to myself, hoping that the pain would pass and ‘normal’ would return.  
Even the simple sound of the peace, the quiet of the night…  It’s full of memories and sounds of the turmoil….  The tears…  

This house bleeds sorrow and cries pain.  

Perhaps one day that would pass…  Perhaps one day the sun would pop over the trees and light the inside of this house and all of that would be gone…  But for right now it’s not….  

And even if it was gone, would I feel like I ‘fit’?  

I liked the peace and contentment that we used to have knowing that we had friends five minutes away who would happily drop in for a coffee…  That the hospital was five minutes away….  That our doctor was five minutes away…  That everything was five minutes away.

Life was slower…  

The stars were brighter…  

And there was no sorrow and pain…  

I’m sitting here now, knowing in my heart that I’m over him… Over that relationship…  Over HIM…   But moving past the pain…  It’s hard…   Because these walls are bleeding with the memories of all that he did…..  

Every word he screamed….  
Every cut he made……  
Every destructive action he took…..  

The walls don’t forget.  

I’m content for him….   Content that he has once again found peace in his life….  Content that he has been able to piece his life back together…   Content that he has his work, his band, his family, his friends, his kids, his wife, his dogs….   

I’ve found peace with the fact that he has the life he wants back in his possession and that he’s been able to dust us off…  

But now it’s time for me to find peace….  Peace for me…  Peace for my Wee…. 

And I don’t think we can do that here…  

Where we just don’t fit.  

 

 

 

I’ve a special secret children ought to know; 
It’s about the little mistakes you make as you begin to grow. 
If you make a mistake, you shouldn’t start to cry. 
Mistakes are not so bad, and here is why: 

Oh everyone makes mistakes. 
Oh, yes they do 
Your sister and your brother and your dad and mother too; 
Big people, small people, matter of fact, all people! 
Everyone makes mistakes, so why can’t you? 

Everyone Makes Mistakes ~ Big Bird; written by Jeff Moss

Well This Is One Not Even I…..

So, I’m sitting here working away and, as per usual I have a million things on the go….  Finalizing summer plans for Wee; actual work; answering emails; shuffling papers…  You know, all the fun stuff…  LOL

And an email pops up.  

OOOO  someone wants to talk to me about my Blog…  YAY!

I open it and look…..  Then I tilt my head; you know, the head tilt…..   Think of a dog that you’re talking to how they tilt their head.  Yeah THAT head tilt.   Then I grab my coffee and take a drink…   Then I re-read the comment….  Then I scratch my head….  Then I read a couple of posts around the post that was commented on (For your information it was the post titled The Last Few Days)…  Then I scratch my head again….  Then I lean back and look into my daughter’s room and I think long and hard about her….  I see her walls covered in everything she loves, her bed well-made, I see Rapunzel happily swimming in her dish, I see books and bears that we snuggle together with every night…  And I smile.  Then I read the comment again….   Then I decide to Blog about it after deleting the comment because, well, to be quite honest, Fuck You.  

So, here was the comment word for word:

After reading most of your posts here, it’s clear you’re a fucked up calculating dramaqueen. I hope they take your daughter to a safer environment. You play people like you’re going for an Oscar. They fall for it and then you get the attention you so crave.
Changing you mind every day and impulsive to boot. That’s your problem but you’ve got a small child there. You thought of your own needs first instead of hers.

Again, need I say it….  Fuck You.  

No, I’m not going to pretend that your words didn’t hurt.  Nope…  I’m not going to do that.   I’m, also not going to pretend that your words didn’t bring me pause…  Nope, I won’t.  

What I am going to tell you is this very simple fact:
If your words hadn’t brought me pause, then perhaps what you said may perhaps be able to be considered true…  Perhaps.  Maybe in some TINY way.  Perhaps.  But they did.  And I thought about every second of my daughter’s life…  Every moment…  And I thought of every sacrifice….  

INCLUDING removing someone poisonous and toxic from our lives before he had even half a chance to cause her pain.  

All she remembers of him are the good times; that is how well I sheltered her from what was actually going on with him.  

You want to insinuate with your words that my daughter is not my first concern?   Not my first priority?   That’s fine, you go right ahead… That is your right to do that.   Just be ready for the fact that I am going to stand up and tell you that you have no idea what you’re talking about; beyond these words, you know  nothing about me; and really, you can take your opinion of that portion of my life and shove it…. 

That particular portion of our life was difficult….  Very difficult…  But we did the best we could to pull our friends close….  And to make it with the love and laughter that we face every obstacle in our lives with….  

And we got through it with more class and compassion than many people out there ever could or would.  

And one further thought on your comment:
Only a First-Rate drama queen would dare post a comment like that on a complete stranger’s Blog after reading what?  Maybe half a dozen posts?  A dozen?  Two?  

Well, really, the number of posts that you read doesn’t matter…  What matters is that you decided to tear apart a complete stranger, tear them down, shine a light on flaws that you perceive them to have….  

No wonder our society is so fucked up.  People like you can’t stop throwing their negative opinions around for all to see.  

I hope that your comment on my Blog made you feel big and strong and in some way made your day complete…  I really do.  I hope that you walk through today, Friday, with a big smile on your face.  

Me, I’m gonna give you one last big Fuck You and get another coffee and wait for my daughter to come home so I can give her the biggest hug I can and listen while she chirps about her day…  

And then I’m going to spend my weekend working hard to make a great life for her and I….

And I’m going to spend my weekend with friends. 

 

“How would your life be different if…You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day…You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey.” ― Steve Maraboli

 

Wednesday….

Ahhhh….  Another day come to an end….

Boy am I beat.   It feels like this week is dragging!

At least Wee is back on schedule after the March Break…  I do have that to be thankful for….

But for now, as much as I wanted to write a million things about, well, really nothing much at all…  I think I’m going to go rinse the dye out of my hair, have a shower, crawl my tired body into bed, and sleep…..  

I’m finally sleeping…  Again…   It’s nice…  

I think I’ll go enjoy some much-needed sleep.

 

The Thoughts I Have….

Well, really, the thoughts I have, they’ve been numerous of late… Very, very numerous… But time has been short, energy has been spent chasing my overly-wise, overly-ambitious, overly-energetic four year old around…. So the thoughts, while they have been there, have been fleeting at best…. I hope I can remember the vast majority of them…. Because some have been doozies….

My first thought…. I believe it came around Thursday…. When she was running around like a tornado and all I could do is watch in astonishment and grow more and more weary by the second:
“She is sucking my energy and somehow, in some way, multiplying it. That’s the only explanation for this.”

I believe that was quickly followed by a time-check and then a countdown to bedtime; T-minus 4 hours. YES!

My second thought came on Friday; or maybe it was Saturday. By this point one energy-filled day was running into another with such speed and fluidity, I don’t even recall ‘sleep’ breaking any of it up:
“Is it Monday yet??? Is this week long holiday over yet? I need routine back! And as much as she may be denying it… So does she!!”

That was quickly followed by a clock and then a calendar check; T-minus 2 days 18 hours 27 minutes (or something like that anyway). YAY!

Then came the next coherent thought….. It may have been the same day… It could have been the next… Hell, for all I know, it was several lifetimes ago…. But it was there and I grabbed it for a moment… And texted Rob!!!

It was something along the lines of:
“I don’t think she breathes at all. She doesn’t shut up!!! AT ALL. She’s not capable of SILENCE… AT ALL!!!”

Her sing-song voice still rings in my ears and rattles around in my brain….

If she wasn’t talking to me; she was talking to the cats; if she wasn’t talking to the cats; she was talking to the dogs; if she wasn’t talking to the dogs; she was talking to the fish; if she wasn’t talking to the fish; she was talking to her bears; if she wasn’t…..

Well, you get it… She was talking… And it wouldn’t stop.

Saturday night I had Nicole over for a couple of hours to babysit.

YES!!! HORRIBLE FREEDOM!!

I warned Nicole when I picked her up:
“She’s talking… A lot. Good luck.”

When I got home:
“How was she?”
“Great! But man can she talk!”

I know. Boy do I know….

During one of her conversations (With me? With her dogs? With her damn dessert???!!! Who knows!! All I know is that my radar kicked in and my ears turned on) she said something….. And it alerted me to possible trouble coming down the pipes….

Hm….

How to handle this…

Do chime in! Opinions wanted!!!

“I don’t want too much ice cream (a rare treat); it’ll make my belly big.”
“Pardon?”
“It’ll make my belly too big”
“Um… Who told you this? Where did you get this idea from?”

She hangs her head.

“Baby, I’m not mad… Not mad at all. But I need to know where you heard this.”
“Well…. “
“Baby, you can talk to me about anything. I’m not mad.”
“Well _______ said it to me while I was there that if I eat too much my belly will get big.”

Shit.

Okay, sidetracking for a second from the actual conversation but, here’s where my thoughts go:

Isn’t life hard enough without a four year old thinking about how big her belly is? Don’t females have enough problems with self-image as they grow up that they don’t need to hear shit like that at such a tender age from someone that they not only look up to but also spend a lot of time with?

And really, she’s four!!! Goodgoddamn… If the child wants to eat, let her eat!!! She’s a tiny little sprout!!! She’s the only god damned four year old that I know that chows back salad like it’s dessert… That thinks that graham crackers are a fucking gourmet treat… That can’t stand greasy food… That will rake me over the coals if I try to feed her crap.

HELL!!!

So, I plunk a scoop of ice cream in her bowl and walk it over to her sad little face… I take her hand:
“Dude… Look at me. How far did we walk your dogs today?”
“Far”
“Do you do exercising every day? Or do you sit on the couch all of the time?”
“We’re never on the couch mommy. You won’t let me be unless I’m sick or it’s just before bed.”
“Are you a little girl?”
“I’m getting bigger!!”
“To get bigger do you need to eat lots?”
“Yeah but…”
“No dude, no but. Let me explain this to you. Right now your body needs lots of food to be big and strong and to dance and play and run and walk your dogs. If you don’t have lots of food, you won’t be able to do those things. Right?
“Right.”
“And you want to do those things right?”
“Right.”
“And you eat lots and lots of good for you stuff every day right? You only have a treat every now and then right?”
“Right”
“Baby, you’re four… You’re active… You don’t sit around… You need to grow big and strong… Don’t worry about your belly or what anyone says… You’re perfect the way you are… And more perfect the way you’re going to grow up to be… But to grow up to be that way you need to eat lots.”
“Okay.”
“Hey, look at me. YOU ARE PERFECT. Do you understand?”
“Yes mommy.”
“Do you believe me?”
“You don’t lie mommy so yes.”
“Don’t you listen to any kind of big belly talk. Okay?”
“Yes mommy.”
“You hear it again, you tell me, okay?”
“Yes mommy.”
“That’s my girl… Eat your ice cream.”

So… I know where she heard it…. My poor little already under-weight wee…. I know where… Do I say something? Or do I just let it go??? I’m sure it was an ‘off the cuff’ comment totally not meant the way it was taken but… At the same time… She’s four… If you’re speaking around a four year old, you need to understand they will hear and understand what they can of what you’re saying, and take every word to heart!!!

Ug…

So, now it is Sunday… Tomorrow is Monday… Tomorrow she is back in school (YAY!!!)…

It is 10:10 p.m…. I just took a peek over at her room and saw her peeking out her window….

Bloody hell…..

7 a.m. is gonna be hell.