Since my post titled Being Single… I have received a lot of advice; everything from “follow your heart” to “men never change… you left for a reason”….
And it was all thought about for a very long time… and still continues to be thought about.
But let me break down my life and my days so that you can see why I would even contemplate going back…
And it’s not because of positive emotions for her father… If anything I despise that man a little bit more every other weekend.
It’s because of this… my life… and how I’m left feeling when she says stuff like what she did tonight…. At least if I go back I would never have to hear this again….
To make ends meet… and to make them meet well… I work fifty to sixty hours a week. If Wee needs me to take time off for appointments or because she’s sick… I work when she sleeps… Her weekends with me, I work when she sleeps. So she may see me working in a two week period a grand total of maybe an hour… the rest of the fifty to sixty hours per week she is either at school or sleeping.
I take her to all of her lessons and classes. All of them. Without fail. Costume fittings… yup, those too… Extra stuff….. you know it. I’m right there… all of it.
Doctor? Yup… I take her. Hospital… Me… Emergency appointment… You got it, right here…. Puking all day and night… Still me… Asthma attack… I take care of it… Wipe out at school… I take care of that too!
And I still fit in my fifty to sixty hours a week when she’s sleeping or not with me.
I look at upcoming events months ahead and I start putting the money away early for stuff I know we’d have a blast at… A few extra hours here… a few dollars there… I’m proud of the way I can save up and make it work.
All the while, any time she is around or she needs me, I’m there… Present… not at work… not getting babysitters… It’s me.
Tonight she comes home from her 48 hours gone… half of which, as per usual, she spent at her grandparent’s house. She had fun… She was well cared for… She had lots to say… And she wanted to know how my weekend was….
So I told her about my weekend and told her that I had a big surprise for her. Her eyes lit up like a Christmas Tree.
“Well, come here and I’ll show you.”
I had already Google imaged the Western Fair.
“Wow, that’s pretty mommy. Look at the lights!”
“That’s where we’re gonna go next weekend dude… the Fair.”
Her face fell. My heart sank. I knew what was coming.
“I dont’ want to go mommy. Sorry. I went already with Daddy and I don’t want to go again.”
My heart broke into a million pieces and all I could think was the illogical:
“She always has more fun with her dad doing stuff.”
Now maybe you can see why I’d want to go back… If I went back, I wouldn’t have to work fifty to sixty hours a week… I wouldn’t have to hear “I did it with Daddy already… I don’t want to do it with you”…. I wouldn’t have to feel my heart break every two weeks.