Have You Ever….

Have you ever had the pleasure of finding something out; likely something that no one thought you could or would ever find out…

And it left you feeling like you were punched in the gut….

Like seriously punched in the gut.

You heard what you heard and all of the air left your body in one big coughing gust…  Maybe you doubled over…  Maybe your eyes bulged…

But at that moment all thought ceased and your base instincts had to kick in to get you breathing again…  Just to get you to draw in that first breath of air.

Have you ever had that happen?

I just did.

I don’t like it.

I think I’m going to bed now.

Memories….

Life isn’t about what you have or what you spend….  It’s about the memories that you make.

As a single mom who constantly feels one-upped by my daughter’s father because he has greater financial resources than I do, I can state with great certainty that the above statement is true.

It’s not always easy to make memories that are amazing, especially when you’re on a limited budget AND you’re dealing with a four year old…   But I do try.

This weekend, I succeeded.  The look in her eyes told me I had succeeded.

That’s all that matters to me.

This weekend was full of fun.  Saturday we made Fairy Jars to give to her friends that are coming to her birthday.  A very girly and very wondrous thing that will help little imaginations take flight; if even just for a second…  That thought alone made the mess and the cleanup totally worth it.

And then we had an early dinner….

And then we had a movie night with snacks….

And it was great.

Sunday…  Sunday was amazing.  We stuck well within our budget and we went to the Western Fair and she had a blast.

Thanks to Jeffrey for coming with us…  And for ‘winning’ her Purple…  She loves that fucking thing more than anything.  I swear we could have left then and that memory alone would have been enough to carry her through till next year when the Fair comes to town again.

2014-09-14 14.45.55 Say hello to Purple everyone.

But we didn’t leave; we stayed…  We bought some silly hats that were on sale…  we played more games…  we saw the animals…  we rode the rides…

And then we ran into one of her best friends and the day was off the charts better for her!! Thanks Melissa and Jon for saying hi and letting the girls hit the rides together…  It made her day…!!!

And then we went home…  and she couldn’t stop talking about EVERYTHING that she saw and did.

And her words to me tonight on the way to her bed:
“Mommy, I love Purple.”
“I know Dude.”
“It was nice of Jeffrey to win him for me.”
“Yes, it was…  very nice.”
“I had the funnest day today Mommy.  Hanging out with everyone made it the best day of all.  We have such great friends.”
“Yes we do dude…  We’re very lucky.”
“You’re right Mommy, this Fair was way funner….  cause our friends were there and you went on rides with me and our friends were there are I got Purple and you went on rides with me and my best friend went on rides with me.”
“I’m glad you had fun Dude…”
“I love you Mommy.  Thanks for the best day ever.”

The look in her eyes was all the thanks I needed.

Because I know the memories of this weekend are going to stick around for a long time.

And THAT’S what matters to me.

And The Heartbreak….

Since my post titled Being Single… I have received a lot of advice; everything from “follow your heart” to “men never change… you left for a reason”….

And it was all thought about for a very long time…  and still continues to be thought about.

But let me break down my life and my days so that you can see why I would even contemplate going back…  

And it’s not because of positive emotions for her father…  If anything I despise that man a little bit more every other weekend.  

It’s because of this…  my life…  and how I’m left feeling when she says stuff like what she did tonight….  At least if I go back I would never have to hear this again….  

To make ends meet… and to make them meet well…  I work fifty to sixty hours a week.  If Wee needs me to take time off for appointments or because she’s sick… I work when she sleeps…  Her weekends with me, I work when she sleeps.  So she may see me working in a two week period a grand total of maybe an hour…  the rest of the fifty to sixty hours per week she is either at school or sleeping.

I take her to all of her lessons and classes.  All of them.  Without fail.  Costume fittings… yup, those too…  Extra stuff….. you know it.  I’m right there…  all of it.

Doctor?  Yup…  I take her.  Hospital…  Me…  Emergency appointment…  You got it, right here….  Puking all day and night… Still me…  Asthma attack…  I take care of it…  Wipe out at school…  I take care of that too!

And I still fit in my fifty to sixty hours a week when she’s sleeping or not with me.  

I look at upcoming events months ahead and I start putting the money away early for stuff I know we’d have a blast at…  A few extra hours here… a few dollars there…  I’m proud of the way I can save up and make it work.  

All the while, any time she is around or she needs me, I’m there…  Present…  not at work…  not getting babysitters…  It’s me.

Tonight she comes home from her 48 hours gone…  half of which, as per usual, she spent at her grandparent’s house.  She had fun…  She was well cared for…  She had lots to say…  And she wanted to know how my weekend was….  

So I told her about my weekend and told her that I had a big surprise for her.  Her eyes lit up like a Christmas Tree.  
“What Mommy!!”
“Well, come here and I’ll show you.”

I had already Google imaged the Western Fair.  
“Wow, that’s pretty mommy.  Look at the lights!”
“That’s where we’re gonna go next weekend dude… the Fair.”

Her face fell.  My heart sank.  I knew what was coming.
“I dont’ want to go mommy.  Sorry.  I went already with Daddy and I don’t want to go again.”

Fuck.  

My heart broke into a million pieces and all I could think was the illogical:
“She always has more fun with her dad doing stuff.”

Now maybe you can see why I’d want to go back…  If I went back, I wouldn’t have to work fifty to sixty hours a week…  I wouldn’t have to hear “I did it with Daddy already… I don’t want to do it with you”….  I wouldn’t have to feel my heart break every two weeks.