There Always Has To Be Balance….

With pain and tragedy there must always be comedy and laughter…  Even if the moments of laughter feel like they are few and far between, they still must be there.

I had an epic one on Sunday.  I’m still laughing….

Here’s the story.

It was the annual trip to the Fair with Wee and her Best Friend and my Best Girl Friend Melissa…..  Time for the kids to run and jump and play and ride rides till they were green…  Time for the mommies to spend time and catch up….

It was going well….  Then it wasn’t….  Then it was….  Then it wasn’t.  There were laughs, smiles, tears, laughs, fighting, laughs, smiles…  Then lunch…  Then more laughs and smiles…  Then the girls decided they needed to be in the little kids’ bouncy castle, then there was more running and playing and smiles and laughs…  And then it was time to go.

And that’s when comedy really joined our group.  Yes, the whole day was fun!!  Even with the fighting and the tears…  It was still fun!  It was great to hang out with Melissa…  Great to see the girls being girls and having fun….  It was just great.

But the comedy really didn’t set in until it was time to say goodbye.

We were saying goodbye outside of the Fairgrounds; my Wee was begging for “just five more minutes but she’s my best friend mommy and I miss her and I’m not going to see her FOREVER and mommy please just a few more minutes mommy!”
But babe, they have to go.
“BUT MOMMY I LOVE HER SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND EVER and it’s going to be forever until I see her again and I miss her and…”

And then the tears really started to roll.

Finally Melissa talked her little one away and off they went.  I got Wee up off the curb and we started to walk to the car; with the tears still flowing and the words still running together.

Then they drove past us.  They got stopped at a red light.  I pointed out the car and Wee started waving so fast I thought her arm was going to fall off…  Melissa’s little one was waving just as enthusiastically out her car window.

Wee ran up to the car and there were tears.  Melissa’s little one shared some candy out of the car window.  Then the light turned green.  They had to go.  I pulled my Wee back onto the sidewalk.  I figured that would be the end of it; candy helps everything after all!  But no…  Comedy had other ideas.

Melissa got slowed up in traffic.  All of a sudden, my Wee was booking down the sidewalk after their car.  She honestly would have put Usain Bolt to shame.

Things started to blur at that moment.  I’m not sure if Melissa was just stuck in slow traffic or if the light had changed or what the hell was going on; all I know is that my Wee, with pink and purple hair and hot pink leggings, was running down the street like the love of her life was leaving her FOREVER.

The first thought that entered my head was “she’s running!!!”

The next thought was “she’s running???”

The next thought was “What in the blue fuck is going on here!!!”

I called out to my hard-headed, heart broken 6 year old and caught up to her.  By that point Melissa was gone from sight.  My Wee was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, huge sobs wracking her whole body, literally crying like her best friend in the whole wide world had just left her for good and she was never ever ever going to see her again.

I gathered her close and gave her a hug.  I took her hand and started to lead her down the sidewalk.  Suddenly she stopped and looked around her:
“Mommy, everyone is looking at me”

In my head I thought, why yes, yes they are… and there’s a lot of everyones to look at you!!!

I chose gentler words for her to actually hear though:
“No hun, no one is looking at you”
Even though I could hear the whispered comments about ‘oh, that poor dear’ and ‘oh, isn’t she so cute’ and ‘oh, wasn’t that the cutest thing ever’…

She looked at me with big eyes with big tears and said:
“Good.  I’d hate people to see me sad.  I’m an ugly crier like you mommy.”

Well thanks, I think.

On our walk back to the car I asked my Wee:
“Babe, what were you thinking running after Melissa’s car like that?”
“I thought I could catch them mommy.  I thought I could see her just one more second!  But then the light changed and they were gone.”

I finally get my Wee loaded into the car; still crying.  I check my phone.  A text from Melissa.  It seems her little one had fallen asleep.

Me, I had to listen to the sounds of a broken hearted six year old ALL THE WAY HOME….

Today, she marked her calendar…  she marked it and started counting the days until she would see her Best Friend again.

It’s Just Not Fair.

And really, that’s all I can say right now.

It’s just not fucking fair.

I’ve spent the last 2 days in and out of the hospital; being poked, prodded, and tested.

While I am immensely grateful to everyone who is pushing for testing; and more grateful to those doing the testing; if I hear one more time that “oh, I had that procedure done by ___ and I was back on my feet within a week or two” I’m going to fucking scream.

I am.  I am very grateful to every medical professional who has listened to my story and who is pushing for testing and ordering  more tests and trying to get everything together so that when I meet my new specialist; the one who has done everyone else’s surgery successfully with NO COMPLICATIONS; he might be able to give me answers as to what in the blue fuck is going on with my body.

I am so grateful.

I’m grateful for every conversation, every hug, every poke, every image, every needle prick…  I’m grateful for the tests and the one more test and the hugs and the compassion.

But why?  Why do I have to be going through this?  It’s just not fucking fair.

I feel like I’ve given an ocean of bodily fluids the last two days.  I feel like I’ve had every inch of my abdominal area imaged.  I feel like I’ve been poked, prodded, and looked at enough.

Thankfully, I also feel heard.

But it’s still not fucking fair.

I’m grateful that everyone can tell me that I am being referred to the best in the business; that he’ll figure it out; that if anyone can fix me, he will.

But I feel short-changed that I had to go through all of this bullshit to get to this point…  the point where I may actually have some hope of getting my fucking life back.

I hope the man that comes with such strong recommendations and such a great track record for getting women back on their feet and back to their lives can help.

If he can’t, then what?

Oh god; don’t even think that thought.  There can’t be a then what.  There can’t.

I’ve had enough.

Let’s Talk About Surgery….

Well, here we are…  We’re pulling up on seven weeks post-op….  And what a trip it has been…  There has been fear, terror, relief, worry, anger, acceptance… and now a mild sort of depression is setting in.

This whole process has been a huge learning experience…  a million mile an hour roller coaster ride… a total loss of control of my life and my day-to-day…

It has been humbling, humiliating, and outright exhausting….

The bitch of it all?  It’s not over yet.

My life has been turned on its ass…  My daughter’s life is upside down…. we’re relying on the kindness of friends, family, neighbours, and my ex husband to get us through.

Thankfully so many great people in our lives have stepped up to help us out with everything from cutting the lawn, to doing groceries every week, to helping keep the house clean, to helping with large loads of laundry, to helping Wee get to piano class, to helping me get to my appointments, to….  well, everything.  We’ve needed help with EVERYTHING.

That is getting better.  I am getting stronger.  But I’m still on no lift, push, pull orders.  No swimming, no baths, lots of rest.

Shit.  Still.

Truly, honestly….  I spend every day wishing there had been an option B…  that my body didn’t have to have the massive procedures that it had to have….  that me and my lady bits had been healthy and happy coexisting as one being….

I wish there had been an option B; I would have taken it in a heartbeat.

Instead I was stuck with this bullshit….  with half of the information on what the future would hold…. with half of the information on what could possibly happen….  Because we all assumed that I was young, and strong, and healthy, and everything was going to go tickity-boo.

I should have known better.  I know my body.  I know that if there’s a way to be an asshole, my body will find it and take it.

And it has…  at every turn.

Everything from infections to blood pooling to post-surgical menopause to post-surgical low hemoglobin and low blood pressure that wasn’t recovering on its own….

If it could go wrong, it has.

So wrong in fact that at my next recheck, my surgeon and I are going to have to have a very long talk… well, I will talk and he will listen…  And then I will let him talk….  but we’re going to talk… about one final procedure.

I have to get fixed.  I have to get my life back.  I have to be normal.

I’m screaming up on forty…  I’m not sixty…  I’m not seventy…  I AM NOT going to consider this bullshit that I’m currently living with ‘normal’.

No.  He will fix this.

So, that means I will go through a lot of the same bullshit….  The feeling like my lady bits have been attacked by a hand mixer… The exhaustion…  The post-surgical recovery….  I’ll go through it all again…  Because I will have my life back.

Let me tell you friends….  If a doctor EVER says to you ‘hysterectomy’…  Make sure there is no option B….  Make sure that’s the only choice you have…  And if there is an option B… take it and run with it for as long as your body will allow.

Don’t put yourself and your family through this unless you HAVE TO.  Let me tell you, there is nothing ROUTINE about this procedure.  It is a soul-draining, life-altering, dignity-stealing procedure that will leave you feeling helpless, useless, and hopeless for at least six weeks.  Six weeks.  And that’s if everything goes well.  If your recovery is routine and there are no complications…  6 weeks before you can think about resuming your life.

BUT WAIT, there’s more!

On top of that six weeks of recovery, recovery that will leave you exhausted, frustrated, needing to have everything that you took for granted done for you….  Six weeks where you will have to humble yourself and ask for help at every turn….  Six weeks where the days will slide into weeks…  sometimes without notice by you because of the pain medication you’re on….  Six weeks where even putting your socks on requires a two hour nap…  And forget a trip to the grocery store…  That shit’ll require a day on the couch to recover from….

On top of that, there will be at least six MONTHS where your body just won’t feel right… you’ll be exhausted…  ALL OF THE TIME.  Sleep will be a constant friend… you won’t be able to get enough of it…  You’ll sit your ass down somewhere and before you know it someone will be shaking you awake or throwing a blanket on you so that you can just sleep…  Getting through a day without a nap will be a feat…

I’ve been told I’m lucky…  I’m going through this bullshit in the nice weather when our energy is naturally at the highest….  I’ve been told that those who go through it in the winter essentially hibernate until spring….

Great….  I found something that’s going right anyway…  I’m wasting my fucking summer getting my body put back together…  I’m sure my daughter is feeling so fucking lucky right now.

Actually, she is very lucky in all of this…  Her dad has been amazing in more ways than one…  I honestly can’t thank him enough for all that he has done for us!  Melissa and Jon have been great about having my Wee over for a sleepover or even just an afternoon of fun with their daughter who is my daughter’s BEST FRIEND EVER!!!!  And Rob and Nikki have been AMAZING with all of the help and even with just letting us hang out in their yard with them so that the kids can play and my little one doesn’t get bored or lonely or feel the weight of everything that I’m going through…  And Rob has promised that if I do end up laid up most of the summer, they’ll help me to make sure it’s still a fun summer for my Wee….

I just wish Wee didn’t have to be so brave and so strong and so fearless through everything…  I wish there was a quick fix for me so that Wee and I could get back to our lives…  I wish we never had to come up with plans and routines to cover even the most mundane chores to make them possible for me to tackle…

I wish my body hated me less.

Envy….

They say it’s a deadly sin; one of seven actually.

Envy.

Some people say you should never Envy others or what they have.  I say we’re all human; we all go through periods where we wish….

Whether it’s Envy over the wealth, fame, power, or possessions that another person has….  Or the health, family, friends, or inner peace that another person has…. at some point, we all Envy.

We’re all human.  It happens.

When you build your life on Envy though, that’s when it becomes a problem.

I don’t feel that I am a person who as built their life on Envy.  I know there are many things in my life that many, many people would be envious of.  And really, when I look at my life and my circumstances, I must admit, I’ve done pretty okay for myself.

But right now, I still find myself in a position of feeling Envy.

I Envy people who have ‘easy’ pregnancies.  Mine was full of nothing but complications.  There was not a moment of that experience that I enjoyed.  I hated being pregnant.  My body hated being pregnant.

I Envy people who go through childbirth with ease and with no physical or emotional damage from the process of giving birth.  I wasn’t so lucky.  Physically I tore myself up.

I Envy people that months and years down the road don’t have those post-pregnancy and post-childbirth problems creep up and bite them in the ass; whether they’ve had one kid or twenty of them…  they sail through it all and their body bounces back and life is good.

I’m not one of those people.  I again drew the short straw with this and am now getting ready to go under the knife to have all of the damage repaired.

Unfortunately that means I’m going to be losing some pieces of myself.

I’ve never before had surgery where they’ve TAKEN MY STUFF OUT!  It’s always been a repair or taking out stuff that shouldn’t be there or putting in extra stuff.  NOW THEY’RE GOING TO BE TAKING STUFF OUT!!!

Sure, it’s all stuff that I don’t need…  stuff I wasn’t ever going to use again anyway.  And it’s coming out so that they can fix me and give me my life back….

BUT SHIT, IT’S MY STUFF!!!!

As you can see, I’m a bit stressed out about losing any of my parts and pieces….  And I think that’s because in losing one of these parts, it truly does mean “That’s all folks”.

See, I had my tubes tied soon after having my Wee one; and that was no big deal.  I think that’s cause I always had in the back of my head the thought that it could possibly be undone.

They can’t undo a take away.  They take out the baby baker, that’s it… it’s done.  It truly is one and done.

And I don’t know how I feel about that.

I know there is no option B.  This is it.  It’s this and get my life back or I keep on keeping on the way I am… and that’s not an option.

So out comes the baby baker.

In goes some mesh tape and stitches and various other bullshit….

And I get my life back.

I guess on the upside…  If I ever find a boyfriend, I’ll never have to send him for tampons….

Envy me yet?

Turn And Face….

Ah life…  You fickle creature.  You always bring me a lot of adventure, a great deal of fun, a fair helping of challenges, and a enough reality to keep me grounded in the now.

It’s been a long time since my last post…. In that time much has happened.  My job that took over after my ‘dream career’ went south is going very well; I do have to say I do love working there; the people that I work with are amazing and the company is great to work for.

My health has hit a few bumps but as usual, Wee and I and our great circle of friends and supports will make it through this in style.  We always do.

I’ve learned more about myself in the last few months since starting my new job.  I’ve learned that I have more determination than even I knew I possessed; I’ve learned that when I set my sights on something, very little will stand in the way of me reaching those goals; I’ve learned that I have more drive than I ever thought I possessed; and I’ve learned not to settle for less.

When your little inner voice is telling you that things are not as they should be and are not making you happy; don’t settle; change.

Change is nothing to be feared.  Change is nothing to run from.  Change is a necessary part of life.

Never be afraid of change….  Never be afraid to change something in yourself that you find undesirable or that you feel needs to be changed for the betterment of your life…  And never be afraid to change your life or the people in it so that it better fits with who you are and what you want.

If you fear change, you’ll never be the person you were meant to be; who you want to be.

Something or someone will always stand in the way of you and your personal best if you fear change.

And not reaching your personal best because of fear of change is nothing but a tragedy.

 

 

What Is Said Is True…..

Life IS what happens while you are busy making other plans. ~ John Lennon

That my friends becomes more and more true for me every day.

I had plans…  big plans, HUGE PLANS…  and then life happened.

Now I still have plans but they’re almost a complete polar opposite from what they started out to be.

My plan:  I was going to kick ass at my mechanic apprenticeship.

My life:  The hours were too long for me and my Wee…  she missed me, she missed her house…  The money was running short because the pay was small…  and I was a bag of stress because my memory is failing me more and more as time passes….

There were also a million other little reasons why it just wasn’t working out as planned; but those are the big ones; the biggest being my daughter not being happy.  She comes first.

So life happened.  I left the place I was apprenticing at, I got in touch with some old employers, I got some ‘work’, and I found a new job.  I start my new job on Monday and I’m very excited; straight days, 8 hour days, 5 days a week….  It’s a good fit.  Once the babysitting situation straightens itself out, I’ll be all set!!  Hopefully that falls into place this week.

Also…  things are still going amazingly well with Jason; and he’s been very supportive through all of this…  He’s been my rock in the rough waters of Life Happening.

So, the moral of this little story:
Just when you think it’s all going to shit just remember, life has a plan.  You may not be expecting that plan, but it has a plan.  And sometimes all you can do in life is ride out the storm and see what the plan is once the storm is over.

Just hold on tight…  Life can be a crazy ride.

Life And Friendships….

Well….  it’s time again…  Time for another post full of my thinks.

Friends.

I think about friends a lot lately…  I think about friendships a lot lately…

I think that’s because I’ve been unfortunate and had a few friendships that have ‘ended’ because life has gotten in the way….

That always makes me sad….  It always reminds me that, no matter how hard we try to hold on to the great things in our lives, sometimes life just has to move on and we have to move and grow and change and let go of the old.

Change is always hard for me….  Hell, even rearranging my furniture is hard for me…  But letting go of people that I have grown to trust and count on; that’s hell.

But I guess at every point in life, we need to be able to do that…  we need to be able to move on… especially if it’s what the other person wishes for us to do.

Trying to force a friendship to remain intact is pointless unless both parties want it to continue to exist.

To all of those friends whom I have ‘lost’ lately….  Know that I love you.  Please know that I am here….  Please know that no matter what…..  I’ll always be here for you.  It might not be the same as it was before but I’ll always be here for you.